Question: I am 35 years old, married with four children, have a successful career, and from the outside my life seems wonderful. Yet, I have struggled with a lack of self-confidence. My accomplishments make me feel better, but only temporarily. How can I develop lasting self-confidence?
Answer: You are correct that accomplishments, praise, and success do not create lasting self-confidence. In fact, many highly driven people achieve great things because they are trying to fill an inner void. While success provides temporary reassurance, it rarely brings lasting inner security.
A common suggestion is to write down one's positive qualities and review them regularly. While this is helpful, it has limitations. Insecurity often runs deeper than simply forgetting our strengths. In addition, confidence built on talents or achievements gives a temporary boost, but usually doesn't create profound inner change.
True self-confidence is not based on what I have accomplished or even on my positive qualities. Rather, it stems from an awareness of something greater than ourselves. It is rooted in the belief that Hashem created me exactly as I am supposed to be, and placed me in the exact circumstances of my life, to accomplish the unique mission for which He brought me into this world. True, we must all strive to grow, yet that growth is interwoven with self-acceptance and the realization that both my strengths and challenges are tailored made to enable me to fulfill my personal and collective mission in Hashem's world.
As Chassidus teaches, everything in the world—from the falling of a leaf to the blowing of the wind—is according to Hashem's will and master plan to bring the world to perfection. Each one of us has a unique role in creation that only we can fulfill, and we have been created exactly as we are meant to be in order to accomplish that mission. Knowing that I am exactly as I am meant to be, together with the fact that I am alive, means that Hashem desires me to fulfill my unique role in His creation. This awareness fills a person with a deep sense of purpose and self-confidence—an inner confidence that is constant and unchanging. The more we contemplate and internalize this reality, the more whole, relaxed, and confident we will feel.
Aharon Schmidt, relationship and personal coaching: www.aharonschmidt.com
