The sefer HaKesav v’Hakabbalah is a Chumash commentary with a forte (like that of the Malbim and Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch) of analysis of nuances of the Hebrew language.
The pasuk in Parshas Kedoshim says: “Do not hate your brother in your heart, you shall reprove your fellow and do not bear a sin because of him.” (Vayikra 19:17) There are times when someone needs to give rebuke because someone who is doing something wrong needs to be chastised. We have spoken in the past about when and how this is to be done, whether it applies in our time, and whether we still know how to give proper halachic chastisement. That is not the subject for tonight.
The Kesav v’HaKabbalah wonders about the grammatical use of the term “es” in the phrase “Hochayach tochiach es amisecha.” Based on the rules of Dikduk (Hebrew grammar) the pasuk should read “Hochayach tochiach l‘amisecha“. The Kesav v’HaKabbalah explains the difference: Had it said “Hochayach tochiach l‘amisecha,” it would mean that the rebuke is being directed to the person. However, “Hochayach tochiach es amisecha” implies that there is an OBJECT over here, not a SUBJECT. The OBJECT is the aveira. The Torah is saying to discuss with this person the ACT which he did.
This means that you should go over to the person and say something like “You know, I don’t know whether that is permissible.” Leave him out of it. Don’t attack him personally. That, says the Kesav v’Hakabblah is how it is possible to reach people. Attacking a person directly (that which is called an ad hominem attack in Latin) is counter-productive. Human beings outright reject personal attacks. A person’s defense mechanism is immediately activated when he is personally criticized. However, when someone discusses the impersonal act that was done, rather than the person who did the act, the recipient of the “chastisement” lets his defenses down. At that point, it is possible to have a reasonable and constructive discussion with him.
In our day and age, we do not generally give tochacha. In fact, the Chazon Ish writes in Hilchos Shechita that “We do not know how to rebuke.” However, there are two exceptions to this rule. There are two categories of people who need to give tochacha: (1) Rabbis and Rebbeim; (2) Parents.
Consequently, the Kesav v”Hakabbalah is giving us a lesson in how we need to chastise our students and our children: Do not attack the person. Do not attack the child. Do not say “How could YOU do that?” Once “YOU” is involved, there will be resistance. It is much more effective to talk about the act – “Is THAT nice?” or “Is THAT right?” or “How would you feel if someone did THAT to you?” Take whatever approach might seem appropriate, but do not start with the person. That is how to achieve success with the mitzvah of tochacha, if and when it applies today.
