A note in the Kosel Maaravi (the Western Wall)
R' Shneur Guata told a story that he had read recently. There was a young man here in Israel who had a wife and daughter. The wife got cancer, and during the time when she went through treatments, this good man took care of his wife, worked extra jobs to pay for the treatments and at the same time, brought up the daughter. He survived the juggling, until things got really serious with his wife. Then, his wife begged him that if she dies, he will always protect their daughter, Shlomit. When she passed, this man became not only the father of this girl, he also became the mother.
Of course, a man can never replace a mother, and the time that Shlomit reached high school age, she suddenly was taken over by the teenage syndrome. Teenagers, from the age 15 till the age 25 can go through changes of growth in their prefrontal cortex, as the body and brain mature. This can cause teens to lack competency in three main executive areas in the brain. Long Term Perspective, Justice, and Consequence.
Especially if there are reasons why the teen brain won’t work effectively, like different causes of trauma. Trauma could come from early exposure to desires, a sibling that gets more attention, being screamed at or other abuse, ADD/ADHD, an identity crisis, and a long laundry-list of other things.
Giving Unconditional Love and Affection
The only thing parents can do when their teens rebel is give unconditional love and affection, and pray their hearts out, when they say in the Amidah for the children to have a relationship with G-d, for generation after generation, we will thank You, and we will speak your praise!
Well, Shlomit who grew up without a mother, with only a father who tried his hardest, looked for other places of love and acceptance that she might have felt lacking. The father warned her to stay away from bad friends, from getting close to boys, from dressing in ways that can attract the wrong type of people and from coming back extremely late at nights.
But she told her father, “Dad. It’s my life... They are just friends... It is just clothing...” “But Shlomit dear, I promised your Mom, before she died that I would protect you. I can’t choose your friends for you, but please realize: the person you will be are the friends you have, and the clothing you wear.”
Shlomit said, “Dad! You can’t force your values on me. It is my life. Let me learn from my own mistakes.”
Telling Her Father of Her Plan to Leave on a One-Way Ticket to India
This went back and forth for a while. Until one day, Shlomit said to her father, that she is flying with her Israeli friends to India, with a one-way ticket, not sure when she is coming back. The father told her, “Shlomit, you are going to dangerous places. You are hurting your soul and your future. I never stopped you. But this is too far. Shlomit, you are not flying! It is out of the question!”
Well, with all the emotions involved, his only daughter and family member, and his promise to his wife, Shlomit’s father forgot the first rule of power. Never try to overpower the one who has more power. This is what our Rabbis call, When you are with the fox in his fox hole, bow to him.
Our teens have the power of choice of their own lives, more power than we. Shlomit’s father met her at the airport with her suitcases and friend-hippies. He watched in dismay as Shlomit was actually walking through security. This was for real. This was not a joke. With shock, and tears in his eyes, he called to Shlomit and begged her to come over to him before she walked through security towards the gate, with her passport in hand.
My daughter! Why are you doing this to me? I am begging you! Shlomit, if you walk past that gate, if you board that plane, you are walking out on me. I am putting down my foot now, because I love you, and I gave a promise to your Mom that I will always protect you. If you go now, you are going against all of your father and mother’s values. You may never come back, and I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. If you walk on now, I am cutting off all connection with you.
“Don’t Force Me to Live My Life Your Way”
Shlomit turned around, and with tears in her eyes, said to her father what she was saying all along. “Dad, its hard on me, too. It’s my life. I can choose my friends, how I want to dress and the values that I believe in. Your path - Mom’s path - does not work for me. I am not holding by where you want me to hold. I don’t want what you want. You have to accept me as I am, and this is who I am. Don’t force me to live my life your way.”
With that, he said, “If so, I am breaking off all connection with you.” He turned around and walked away, in tears. Shlomit walked back to her friends and walked passed security.
She had a great time in India... for the first few days. Parties, sin, freedom, drugs, alcohol, music, discos, living like a gentile or, more precisely, like an animal... It was hard, though, to get out of the cycle of guilt and lack of happiness. But at least, she was free, and no one could stop her from trying to find the love and happiness she thought she had missed, because she grew up without a mother. But, of course, she never found that love and happiness that she was looking for. This is because when a person feels like they are not complete, when they feel a lack, they need to connect to G-d to fill that lack.
The Shocking News of Her Father’s Death
Three years later, a friend from Israel showed up in India and met Shlomit. She surprised Shlomit and gave her a hug, telling her she is so sorry about her father, and that she could not make it. “What?? Why are you sorry for him? What are you talking about?” The friend turned white. “Your father passed away a few months ago. You did not know?”
Shlomit went into shock. She told her friend, that she did not know, and how her father was so disappointed with her, he cut off all contact. She got on the next plane back from India to Israel and ran straight from the plane towards the cemetery, looking for her father’s grave, near her mother’s. She read the inscription of her father on his grave, and she fell on his grave, balling. She hit herself, looked up to the sky and said, “Dad, I am sorry!!” But the clear-blue sky was quiet, as if her father’s soul was repeating the last words he told her. SHLOMIT, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.
Shlomit, I will never forgive you. Shlomit, I will never forgive you. Shlomit, I will never forgive you. That is all Shlomit could hear in her head. She turned to G-d and said, “G-d!!! I want to do Teshuva! I want to come back to You! I know that You always accept Teshuva, and that You always forgive, EVEN IF MY FATHER WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME! But this voice in my head is not letting me come back!!! Father in Heaven, HELP ME GET OUT OF THIS!!!” She called a cab, and she went straight to the Kotel, to pray her heart out.
Asking G-d for a Sign of Forgiveness
She stood up front, crying, like a daughter who is leaning on her father; she leaned on the Wailing Wall, right near the Mehitza. As she cried her soul out, she looked up to the sky again, and saw the letters in the Wall. She decided to write a letter, and push it into the cracks between the stones in the Wall. She wrote, Father in Heaven, send me a sign of forgiveness. Send me a sign of acceptance. Send me a sign that what I have done to my father will not stop me from coming back!!! Send me a sign that my father forgives me!
She folded this letter and looked for a crevice to put her note in, but there was none. She tried to find a spot, but she could not find one. She felt that maybe G-d is was just telling her, Shlomit, I will never forgive you.
But Shlomit did not give up hope. Any woman who attended a Bar Mitzvah at the Kotel knows there is some sort of step, on the Mehitzah. She stood on the step and looked over the Mehitza for a spot on the Wall: maybe she could reach a spot in the men’s section. The Kotel was empty, as it was midday, and she noticed that nobody was paying attention to her, when she leaned over the Methitza. So, she pushed in her note... and another note fell out, into her hand. She was about to put that other note back, but then she saw that written on that note, was the same name as hers. Shlomit.
A Shocking Revelation
Out of curiosity, she opened it up to see what was written on it. She started to shake. “Master of the Universe! My daughter is in India. Please bring her back; make her repent! Her name is Shlomit bat Rivkah! If I could speak to her, I would tell her, I forgive you for everything, just go in the right path in life!!!”
She cries out thanks to G-d, and she repents completely. A father of flesh and blood can forgive his daughter, no matter what she has done. G-d, who can do the impossible, who is א-וסלח טוב ל, the Almighty of Forgiveness, He for sure can forgive!
Reprinted from the Parashat Shemini 5784 email of Rabbi David Bibi’s Shabbat Shalom from Cyberspace.
