שְׁא ר בְשָרוֹ means you are one flesh; i.e., a blood relative whom you love and you are especially close. And what does the Torah say? לֹא תִקְרְ בוּ Don’t come near! The very person that you are so close, you have to run far away from, and also make Gedarim (extra boundaries) just to make sure. Middos are tricky. Getting too close, even without the danger of Arayos, can be detrimental.
הוֹקַר רַגְלְךָ מִב ית ר עֶךָ משלי כה יז Don’t get too close, or else you’ll become overkill and ruin everything. Don’t be a nudge; and be sure to hold your distance. When a person is too warm and loving, it can become unpleasant and even nauseating. So many people need to “Love from the distance” and have a balanced situation. So many parents can ruin their children with overindulgence.
People who are too friendly lose their respect, and they become cheap and like shmattes! I am a 4th grade Rebbe, and many of my Talmidim need physical closeness. Yet, I won’t touch them, ever! No matter how cute and sweet they may be. I ask them point blank: Do you appreciate being “eaten up” (i.e., a hug)? It is actually a cruelty to hug a person who doesn’t like hugs.
A Beautiful Story
R' Sharshevsky Zatzal was one of the Gedolei Torah from the Alter Mirer’s. Before his Mir days, while still a young teenager, he went to Slabodka for a Far’her (entrance exam). He was alone in a room, and R' Moshe Mordechai Epstein Zatzal was Far’hering him on the entire Maseches Kiddushin. Being a big: עִ ילוּי (genius), he was flawless, and he answered every question with a breeze.
When the Far’her was over, he waited for the obvious answer... “You’re accepted in the Yeshiva”. The Alter of Slabodka Zatzal was sitting there the whole time, and he said nothing for a very long time. R' Sharshevsky waited and waited, until he was Mya'esh. He packed his bags to go back home, and he headed for the train station.
Suddenly, two Slabodka Bachurim approached him, and said in the name of the Alter Zatzal “So quick you leave Slabodka??” He was indeed accepted. However, the Alter wanted to teach him not to have Ga'ava. Despite his brilliance, he was only a young Bachur. A person needs to know his place, and not get carried away with his Maalos.
The Alter was loaded with all kinds of: אַהֲ בָה וְ יִ רְ אָ ה shtick (i.e., tricks to instill Ahava and Yir'ah in the hearts of the Bachurim). Chazal say: אַל תִרְ שַׁע הַרְ ב ה Don’t be such a Rasha, and: אַל תִ צְדַק הַרְ ב ה Don’t be such a Tzadik; both are dangerous. R' Yehuda Jacobs Zatzal once gave me advice on how to be a good Rebbe. He said that it should be a happy atmosphere, yet: וְגִילוּ בִרְ עָדָה Rejoice with trembling; i.e., you need to instill fear at the same time.
