The Riddle
A man in Chelm once thought up a riddle that nobody could answer: “What’s purple, hangs on the wall, and whistles?”
When everybody gave up, he announced the answer: A whitefish.
“A whitefish?” people said. “A whitefish isn’t purple.”
“Nu,” replied the jokester, “this whitefish was painted purple.”
“But hanging on a wall? Whoever heard of a whitefish that hung on a wall?”
“Aha! But this whitefish was hung on the wall.”
“But a whitefish doesn’t whistle,” somebody shouted.
“Nu, so it doesn’t whistle.”
Hoodlums
Two Jews are walking through a neighborhood one evening when they notice they are being followed by a pair of hoodlums.
“David,” says his friend, “we'd better get out of here. There are two of them, and we’re alone!”
The Census
The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”
Tzedaka
The rav was angry about the amount of money his mispallalim were giving to tzedaka. He davened that the rich should give more tzedaka to the poor.
“And have your tefillos been answered?” asked his wife.
“Half of them were,” replied the rav. “The poor are willing to accept the money.”
Fake news
Moshe, a Jewish man, is sitting in Starbucks, reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his walks in and notices this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approaches and says: 'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?'
Moshe replies, 'I used to read the Jewish newspapers, but what did I find?
- Jews being persecuted,
- Israel being attacked,
- Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage,
- Jews living in poverty.
I got so depressed. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find?
- Jews own all the banks,
- Jews control the media,
- Jews are all rich and powerful,
- Jews rule the world.'
