The New York Times features a column called The Ethicist, in which a supposed expert in moral reasoning weighs in on contemporary ethical dilemmas. One particular column, dating back to 2002, stands out for its insight into the cultural tensions between modern secular values and religious conviction.
At the time, The Ethicist was authored by Randy Cohen. A letter was submitted by a woman who had recently completed a real estate transaction. She described being represented by an Orthodox Jewish broker and someone she praised as exceptionally competent, gracious, and helpful throughout the process. As a gesture of appreciation, she extended her hand to thank him. However, he respectfully declined the handshake, explaining, “Please forgive me. Due to my religious beliefs, I do not make physical contact with any woman other than my wife.”
The woman admitted in her letter that she felt insulted by the gesture. “I believe in non-discrimination,” she wrote. “And his refusal to shake my hand felt deeply offensive. I’m even considering tearing up the contract.” She concluded her question to The Ethicist by asking for his view.
Randy Cohen responded unequivocally: “You’re absolutely right. You should tear up the contract.”
Now fast forward three weeks. I was invited to the annual White House Chanukah celebration hosted by President George W. Bush. As is customary, guests were given the opportunity to pose for photos with the President and First Lady. While waiting in line, a member of the White House staff approached those of us who were visibly Orthodox; those wearing yarmulkes or otherwise appearing observant. He said, “The President and First Lady are very mindful and respectful of your religious principles. If you are a man who does not extend his hand to the First Lady, she will not offer her hand to you. Likewise, if you are a woman who does not wish to shake the President’s hand, he will not offer his.”
I stood there, struck by the contrast. The Ethicist in the New York Times says, “Tear up the contract.” But the President of the United States says, “We respect your beliefs.”
And that is the point. Yes, we stand for something different. If the world is uncomfortable with that and chooses to walk away—tear up the contract, if you must. That is their decision. But know this: the highest office in the land—the presidency of the United States—acknowledges and honors our values.
The refusal to conform is not a sign of intolerance or backwardness; it is a quiet but powerful declaration of spiritual dignity. It earns the respect of those who truly understand integrity. As the Torah says, “Rak am chacham v’navon hagoy hagadol hazeh—Surely this is a wise and understanding people, a great nation” (Devarim 4:6).
We are not swayed by passing trends or popular opinion. We live by a higher code, and those with wisdom will recognize that—and respect it.
