This week we read two Torah portions, Acharei and Kedoshim. At the very beginning of Kedoshim, there are three commandments: 1) "You shall be holy"; 2) "Every person shall fear his mother and his father"; and 3) "You shall keep My Shabbat." The fact that these three mitzvot (commandments) are mentioned in succession is significant and indicates that they are interrelated.
The term "holy" in this instance means separation, as it says at the end of our Torah portion, "You shall be holy to Me, for [I, G-d, am holy, and] I have separated you from the nations...." The Jewish people must be separate from the nations of the world. In particular, they must be separate in those areas in which we are seemingly similar, such as eating, drinking, conducting business and so forth.
The ultimate purpose of a Jew's holiness and spirituality, though, is not egocentric - to be holy just for himself. Rather, as the Torah says of our ancestor Abraham, "in order that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of G-d..." So, one of the reasons for our remaining separate from the other nations is to be able to guide our children to walk in the ways of our ancestors. This is why the mitzvah to be holy is followed by "every person shall fear his mother and his father" - which alludes to the obligation of Jewish education.
Parents are the first educators. The mother and father must instill in their children the feeling that they are different from the rest of the world, that they are part of a holy nation.
The sequence in that verse is "his mother and his father," mentioning first the mother. For the mother is the foundation of the house, and the major part of the actual education is in her hands.
How does a person imbue his children, and himself, with the consciousness of being a holy nation? This is brought out by the third commandment, "You shall keep My Shabbat."
Shabbat is a sign between the G-d and the Jews. It signifies belief in the creation of the universe. It strengthens and reinforces the certainty that G-d is the Creator of the universe and continuously sustains and conducts it.
Shabbat was given only to the Jewish people, and not to the nations of the world. Observing Shabbat thus means to keep and guard the sign and covenant between Israel and G-d. This is done by strengthening our faith in the fact that Jews are not subject to the forces of nature but are under the specific and individual providence of G-d.
This, in turn, will bring us full circle. It will reinforce in ourselves and our children the mitzvah of "You shall be holy," to the point where our everyday activities will be infused with holiness.
Question:
I understand that Torah law prohibits physical contact between a man and a woman—or even for them to be alone in a room together—unless they are first-degree relatives or married to each other. This applies to any man and any woman, regardless of their ages or whether or not they are sexually attracted to each other, with only a few conditional exceptions. And then there are all those rules about “modest” dress. Isn't that carrying it a bit far? Are we really such animals?
Answer:
When a man and woman are together in a room, and the door closes, that is a sexual event. Not because of what is going to happen, but what has already happened. It may not be something to make novels of, but it is a sexual occurrence, because male and female is what sexuality used to be all about.
It is true that in our world today, in the “free world” certainly, people have, on the whole, stopped thinking in these terms. What happened was that we started putting up all these defenses, getting steeled, inured, against the constant exposure and stimulation of men and women sharing all sorts of activities—coeducational school, camps, gyms—is that we started blocking out groups of people. We can't be as naturally sexual as G-d created us to be. When a man says, “I have a woman friend, but we're just friends, nothing more, I'm not attracted to her in any sexual way, she's not my type,” you've got to ask yourself what is really going on here. Is this a disciplined person? Or is this a person who has died a little bit?
What does he mean, “She's not my type?” When did all this “typing” come into existence? It's all artificial. It's not true to human sexuality. And it really isn't even true in this particular context, because given a slight change of circumstance, you could very easily be attracted. After all, you are a male, she's a female. How many times does a relationship begin that is casual, neighbourly, and then suddenly becomes intimate? The great awakening of this boy and girl who are running around, doing all sorts of things, sharing all sorts of activities, and lo and behold, they realise—what drama, what drama—that they are attracted to each other. These are grownups, intelligent human beings, and it caught them by surprise. It's kind of silly.
So, closing a door should be recognized as a sexual event. And you need to ask yourself: Are you prepared for this? Is it permissible? Is it proper? If not, leave the door open. Should men and women shake hands? Should it be seen as an intimate gesture? Should any physical contact that is friendly be considered intimate? Hopefully, it should.
These laws are not guarantees against sin. They have never completely prevented it. There are people who dress very modestly. They cover everything. Yet they sin. It's a little more cumbersome, but they manage. All these laws are not just there to lessen the possibility of someone doing something wrong. They also preserve sexuality—because human sexuality is what G-d wants. He gave us these laws to preserve it, to enhance it—and make sure it's focused to the right places and circumstances—not to stifle it.
We have become callous about our sexuality. Even in marriage, a kiss on the run cheapens it, makes it callous—then we run to the therapist for advice. And do you know what the therapist who charges $200 an hour for his advice says? He tells the couple not to touch each other for two weeks. Judaism tells you that, free of charge. Yes, there are two weeks each month during which a husband and wife don't touch. This therapy has been around for 3000 years. And it still works. It's a wonderful idea.
When you don't close the door on yourself and that other person, you are recognizing your own sexuality. You are acknowledging the sexuality of the other person. Being modest, recognizing our borders, knowing where intimacy begins and not waiting until it is so intimate that we're too far gone, is a very healthy way of living. It doesn't change your lifestyle dramatically, but enhances it dramatically, and you come away more capable of relaxing, better able to be spontaneous, because you know that you can trust yourself. You've defined your borders. Now you can be free. It takes a load off your mind, and it makes you a much more lovable person.
Rabbi Manis Friedman is a world-renowned author, lecturer and philosopher. He is the dean of the Bais Chana Institute of Jewish Studies for women. He also served as a simultaneous translator for the live televised talks by the Lubavitcher Rebbe. He is currently known as YouTube's Most Popular Rabbi.
