The mitzvah of giving tochachah — rebuking people for acting against the Torah — is one that evokes strong feelings. Some people seem to naturally gravitate toward noticing and commenting on other people’s faults. Others shy away, feeling that they are unsuited to telling anyone what they might be doing better.
The words of the passuk stress that tochachah must be given when appropriate and that (as Rashi notes) it must be done in a way that doesn’t embarrass the person being rebuked. The Chiddushei Harim highlights one very small word in the passuk to derive a different lesson.
The passuk states, “Hoche’ach tochi’ach es-amisechah” and the Chiddushei Harim notes that the “es” can also be understood as “with.” When rebuking your fellow man, he writes, “Rebuke yourself too.”
In practical terms, this means that instead of making someone feel bad, you tell them, “You know, I really struggle with that too, and I’ve slipped up a number of times. It really helped me when...” Using such an approach makes it less likely that the person on the receiving end will feel ashamed, and enhances the mitzvah. It also makes it more likely that the comment will be well-received.
We encounter these ideas frequently in our interactions with our children. We are certainly obligated to guide our children on the right path, but at the same time we must avoid shaming them. And a lot has to do with where we include ourselves in the chinuch we are conveying. Our aim is not to control but rather to inspire, and so we must do our best to ensure that our words and actions are well-received.
