For any parent of married children reading this, I would like to stress that I know it’s hard to take that step back and let your children find their own way forward in life. This is a tremendous challenge. (For those who aren’t aware, I have a weekly column in The Voice of Lakewood on this specific topic.)
While we all know that each of our children is a world in himself and that each one has his own path in life, so much of our effort as parents is invested in ensuring that our children go in “the right path” that it can be very hard to see them choosing something different from what we envisioned. Very often, parents can feel that they have failed if their children don’t turn out the way they wanted. It’s so important to realize that there are many ways of doing things right, many paths toward becoming an ehrliche Yid, and while we may choose what we feel is right and transmit it, things might be different for our children based on many different factors.
In general I don’t like using the expression “pick your battles” regarding children, because we should never see ourselves as in conflict with them, but the underlying idea that we should focus on the more important areas and try to overlook minor issues, is correct. If something isn’t critical, it would be such a shame if focusing on it results in losing the relationship entirely. This is true enough of our young children, but once they are married, we also have to take into account the effect it could have on their shalom bayis if we intervene.
If the issue is something where we feel that we simply cannot stand aside, then the first step must, on the parents’ side, be to consult a daas Torah to find out whether we may intervene, and if yes, how to do so. Otherwise, we risk doing very grave damage indeed.
May Hashem grant us all guidance that is pure daas Torah, the wisdom and humility to implement it, and shalom in all our relationships.
