Question: My wife and I got married with shared values—building a Torah home together. But after our third child, things changed. I became overwhelmed with work; she felt alone with the kids. She started snapping, and I withdrew. We’re fulfilling our obligations, but the warmth is gone. She once said, “I feel invisible.” How does a couple lose their connection and how do we rebuild the connection we’ve lost?
Answer: This is similar to a question that was presented a few weeks ago, and is a question many couples ask, especially after years of marriage, children, and growing responsibilities. You're not alone. You’re both trying—working hard, keeping mitzvot, supporting the family. But even with all of that, the connection can fade. Why?
How does a person lose anything? Usually, by not paying attention. Marriage is no different. When we stop noticing our spouse—when we become absorbed in our own stress and responsibilities—we slowly stop seeing each other. We may be living in the same home, but no longer emotionally present. The love and care hasn't disappeared; it's simply been buried under layers of exhaustion and distraction.
This can be understood through the Chassidic concept of “itaruta dile’eila”—an arousal from Above. At times, we’re given a burst of spiritual inspiration: during davening, a class, or even a quiet moment. But unless we hold onto the inspiration, i.e., through committing to a practical resolution, it quickly fades.
Similarly, marriage begins with meshichat halev—a natural emotional pull to our soulmate. It’s a Divine gift, meant to guide us to each other. But, if it isn’t nurtured, it fades. Chassidus teaches that our hearts follow our thoughts, speech and actions. When you ask your wife how she’s doing—and truly listen—when you thank her, speak gently, and make time for one another, you are forming a vessel for your connection to reawaken.
Notice and show appreciation to your spouse. Focus on their good qualities. Be generous with your time and words. Don’t wait for big breakthroughs. It’s the small, consistent efforts that restore the bond—and with Hashem’s help, your connection can be even stronger than before.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
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