Questions To Rabbi Mandel
Question: Thank you so much for your continued Torah and inspiration. Baruch Hashem, I have so much to be thankful for. I am young, got married to an amazing husband, and we thought we’d be able to have children as soon as possible. Little did we know it’s a little more complicated. We’re started to go to doctors to figure out this issue, and I can’t help but feel alone. My husband is amazing; he keeps reminding me this is from Hashem, and the Bracha will be even greater. I always thought a challenging moment would come in my life and I’d have perfect clarity. And that’s not the case. I feel stuck and hopeless. I know in my mind it is Hashem, but it’s hard to fully feel it. Any advice how to connect to Hashem? Tips what to work on would be greatly appreciated. Kol tov!
Answer: My first answer is not to this person; but to the whole Klal. When a person was raised where the mode is to get whatever you need, they are in trouble. If you were born, that your greatest accomplishment is to hold up against Nisyonos, whether you can prove your Bitachon, and you are always learning Sifrei Bitachon, because you're having issues, and no matter what, like Rabbi Akiva said: בְּכָל לְּבָבְּךָ וּבְּכָל נַפְּשְּ ךָ he couldn't wait for this, his whole life he was waiting for this. That's why he was the happiest person who ever lived, because he was a person who lived with the truth. People who live for “Nachas” and “nice children” like everyone else, have all different Yetzer Hara's mixing in to their issues, and all different kinds of not-so-healthy things. Yes, people are entitled to have, they should lead normal lives. I had a Rebbe in Novardok who was very concerned about his family, about the normal things that everyone is concerned about, he was there. But there was a side of him that was MUCH MORE INVOLVED IN BEING AN OVED HASHEM; that's why he never got depressed. When he lost a son, he was fine, BECAUSE BEING FINE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY WAS THE REASON HE WAS BORN. When that's the main reason you were born, you're a different B’riya (person) no matter what. That means you are spending more time being concerned about your Madrega in Emuna & Bitachon than how good are your kids. Put Kochos in the Ikar. Ikar Chi’yus HaAdam Shviras HaMiddos. Ikar N’sinas HaTorah Bitachon. These are IKARIM! People are involved in Tafel, Tafel, Tafel! A Tafel can kill a guy if he makes an Ikar out of a Tafel. It's not the Ikar, it's a Tafel, it’s not the REAL thing. It's a fake out. Many Retzonos inside a person’s system come straight from Goyim, straight from Tevah. Yes, there are Torah sources, but when you bake a cake, and you're supposed to have a dash of salt, and a lot of sugar, make sure the sugar is the boss. If you make salt the boss, you messed it up. You don't make a cake like that. That's why the Baalei Mussar were always happy, because they spent hours on this, and they enjoyed challenges, almost. Don't look for them; you don't do that. But they had a different Hashkafa. They were constantly learning Mussar, Mussar, Mussar. Learning Torah is great, but if you learn a lot of Mussar, you are a different B'riya.
Now to answer this person, L'ma'aseh. She sounds like she's too gung-ho in getting what she wants. That's not healthy. Somebody who's stuck in a mode, is unfortunately, Lav Davka what the Eibishter wants. This person has to let go. Here comes a true story. A woman was verified by all the doctors that she's never having kids, and she made a party, saying that she sincerely didn't mind, and 9 months later she had a kid. That's a story for the books.
This person’s issue has nothing to do with her child. She has an innate nature to want to have things the way she wants. We all do, and it's good that we're like that. But sometimes it can mess everything up. More than anything else, for one month she should work on her Middos, and not care. Don't talk about it, don't think about it. Play tennis, eat pickles. Enjoy your husband, he's a nice guy. You have Shalom Bayis, imagine if she'd still be single. Do Chasadim, there are so many people out there who have less than you. Do, do, accomplish and grow, and take a time out. Take a break for at least a month, and during that month just thank for everything and anything. Then, you are going to attract Yeshuos.
You can submit your questions to Rabbi Mandel by emailing them to [email protected]
