The Rebbe's Pharmacy: Chizuk and Inspiration for Today's Spiritual Illnesses

When we find ourselves at a crossroads in life, we must do hisbodedus and search for our deepest, purest ratzon for Hashem. (Based on Likutei Halachos, Birkas HaShachar 5)

The main purpose of tzaddikim is to teach us the principles of "sailing" through the seas of our life.

Almost on a constant basis we find ourselves at a crossroads in life. We are faced with a decision in which we have to choose to go left or right and we have no idea which way to turn. This happens both on a small and large scale. On a small scale for example, it could be we need to get to a certain place and Wayz gives us two options, and we're uncertain which one will turn out the best in the end. More importantly on a large scale, we have to make life-changing decisions that completely alter our physical and spiritual direction in this world. For example we have to decide which country, city, and community to live in, which house or apartment to buy, which schools and yeshivos to send our children to, whether to learn in kollel or to go to work, and if we go to work which job to take, etc.

For many of us, these decisions are very daunting, since we can't see exactly where we'll end up if we go right and where we'll end up if we go left. We have no way to know which direction is really the right way for us to go. Therefore, the first thing we do is to ask a rav for guidance. We seek the advice of our rabbonim and gedolim with the hope that they will be able to choose just the right path for us.

However, there are many instances in which we have to make big decisions and we're in a situation in which we don't have access to the advice of our rabbonim. Additionally, Reb Nosson writes that the real purpose of the tzaddikim and gedolim is not to tell us exactly when to turn right and when to turn left at every single crossroads in our lives. Rather, their main job is to give us the knowledge and tools to be able to navigate through the uncertainties we are confronted with. He brings as an example someone who goes to an instructor to learn how to sail a boat. If the instructor sat with him on the boat every single time he went sailing and told him exactly when to do what, the student would never really learn. So instead, the instructor teaches the student all the general principles of sailing in depth, and then after a few times together, he lets the student try to figure out how to sail on his own based on the principles he learned. Thus, the student truly acquires the skills he's looking for.

The same is true when it comes to sailing through the seas of our lives. The main role of the rabbonim and tzaddikim should be to teach us the principles of living in this world. While it is always important for us to return to them for guidance to make sure we're "sailing" properly, we must realize that the process of finding our path in this world involves our own participation as well. We also have to make our own search (see Likutei Halachos, Netilas Yadaim Leseuda 6).

When we're in doubt, we must search to find our deepest ratzon for Hashem.

So, what are the tools that the tzaddikim give us and how can we begin to sail our ship in the direction we want it to go? The answer is that we must search to find our deepest yearning for Hashem. We must try to connect to the essence of our being to know what it is that we really want. We have to clarify what our ultimate ratzon is.

In other words, it could be that on a surface level we have a list of reasons for going right and another list of reasons for going left. When we compare both of these lists it is very hard for us to see which way to go. This is because we're only looking at the potential physical, emotional, and psychological results of our decision, but we're not actually examining our deeper ratzon. For example, we're trying to decide whether we want to live in Eretz Yisroel or in New York, or London, etc. So, we make a list of pros and cons of living in both places. Perhaps we consider the financial difficulties of living in Eretz Yisroel versus the spiritual benefits, and vice versa. Maybe we have elderly parents to take care of or children in schools, etc. We compare the two lists and try to decide what to do. But at the end of the day, it is a really complicated decision, and we don't feel like we reach any clarity between the two lists.

What should we do? We should put down the lists for a moment, and try to connect to what is truly in our heart. What is our ultimate goal in life? Where do we want to be after our 120 years are up? Rashi says that the word "nefesh – soul" can also be interpreted as "ratzon." This means that who we truly are is defined by what we want the most in life. What do we yearn for more than anything else? Of course, on the outside, we all have desires for physical comforts and temptations, but nonetheless, if we really look hard enough, each one of us will find an unbelievably powerful ratzon for kedusha inside of our being. In this particular example, it could be that our deepest desire is to be in Eretz Yisroel. When we breathe the pure air of the Holy Land, we feel an extraordinary inspiration for avodas Hashem. Or, it could be that our deepest desire is to play an important role in helping the Jewish people in the diaspora with the unique skills that we have.

Whatever we feel is our most profound inner desire, that's the way we should go. This desire is an expression of our own neshama -- our piece of G-dliness -- that is trying to direct us. This doesn't mean that we must act on this ratzon immediately, since there may be obstacles that we have to overcome before the right time comes. Rather, it is a way for us to clarify the path which we want to take.

If we struggle to uncover our true yearning for kedusha, we should talk to Hashem and ask for His help.

However, many of us struggle to truly connect with our ratzon. Perhaps we're not used to relating to such a deep part of our soul. Perhaps our ultimate ratzon is so covered up by external desires that it is hard for us to penetrate the thick skin of our heart and reach our spiritual essence. The advice for this is very simple: we have to start talking to Hashem. The only way for us to discover who we truly are and what we really want is through hisbodedus. The main strength of the Jewish people is the power of our speech. The words of our tefillos and hisbodedus have the ability to break down the immensely thick walls of our heart. They have the ability to stop a gun from being able to shoot (Likutei Mohoran II, 48). The power of speech is the bracha that Yaakov received from Yitzchak, "Hakol, kol Yaakov."

Thus, when it comes to finding our own unique path in life and connecting to the deepest level of our ratzon, we must reach out to Hashem and tell Him everything that we're going through. We must share with Him all of our doubts and confusion. We must explain to Him how far we feel from understanding our purpose in this world and what our truest spiritual desire really is. We must beg Hashem to help us to tap-in to the essence of our soul and find the path that He wants us to go on.

Although it may seem like we're unable to make any significant progress, if we stick to this practice of personal conversation with Hashem, it is only a matter of time until we will reach a new level of understanding about ourselves and a new level of attachment to the ratzon of Hashem. For this, Rebbe Nachman gives the following parable:

"There was a king who sent his son to a faraway land to study. After a while, the son returned a very wise man. The king wanted to test his son so he told him to take an extremely heavy stone from the basement up to the attic. Even though the son was very wise, he was unable to lift such a heavy stone, and so he was discouraged that he couldn't fulfill his father's request. The king turned to him and said, 'Did you really think that I expected you to carry such a heavy stone? With all of your wisdom, don't you know that this is impossible? My intention was that you should take a hammer and break it into small pieces which you could easily carry up to the attic.'"

So too, Hashem commands us to lift our heart up to Heaven. But since our heart is an incredibly heavy stone, the only way for us to lift it is by taking a hammer – our speech – and breaking down our heart of stone until it transforms into a heart of flesh (lev basar). Then we can easily elevate it to Hashem.

Through tefillah we can bring all of our pure desires from potential to action.

This is the path for us to tap into and purify our ratzon. Through our personal conversation with Hashem we can find who we really are at the core. Then, with this clarity, we can shift our hisbodedus to the next stage of davening to Hashem to help us go "mi'koach el hapoal – from potential to action" and achieve what we truly want in life. Tefillah is the main weapon that Hashem gave to Moshe Rabbeinu and the Jewish people in the Exodus from Egypt, the war with Amalek, etc. Our prayers even have the ability to change the order of nature! Therefore, we must use the fantastic weapon to accomplish whatever we most deeply yearn for in life. Whatever mitzvah that we long to be able to do, or whatever level of kedusha that we truly desire to reach, we must simply express our longing and desire in words to the Master of the Universe. We must pour out our heart to Hashem to help us find a way to overcome all the physical and spiritual obstacles that are stopping us from getting there. Through this we will certainly awaken Hashem's compassion and He will pave the way for us to succeed. We have to know that when we're persistent in our prayers there is nothing that can stop us from eventually attaining what we want.

This is why the main tactic of the yetzer hara is to make us confused about what our ratzon really is. He knows that once a Jew puts his mind and heart to achieving something and he reaches out to Hashem in tefillah, there is nothing that can hold him back. So, the yetzer tries to weaken our resolve by giving us doubts about our ratzon. But nevertheless, as mentioned before, we can use our weapon of hisbodedus for this battle as well. We can tell Hashem about everything that we're going through and ask Him to reveal to us our purest spiritual ratzonos, and bring us to the ultimate clarity in our lives. And then, by attaching ourselves every day to HaKadosh Baruch Hu in personal prayer we can bring our yearning from potential to action.

Because of Bilaam's strong desire for contamination and the power of his speech, Hashem allowed him to go to Balak.

We find this idea in Parshas Balak. When the Elders of Moav and Midyan came to Bilaam to ask him to curse the Jews, Hashem told Bilaam that he shouldn't curse them. Bilaam told the Elders that Hashem didn't let him go, but perhaps if Balak would send more important royalty the outcome might change. So, Balak sent his royalty. This time Hashem told Bilaam (according to Rashi) that if he wants to go, he may go, but he will only be able to speak what Hashem puts into his mouth.

Then, as they were travelling, Hashem sent an angel to prevent Bilaam's donkey from walking on the path. Bilaam tried to force it to continue, but instead it turned off the road and banged Bilaam's leg against the wall of a vineyard. Bilaam whipped the donkey out of anger. Afterwards, Hashem revealed the angel to Bilaam. With false innocence, Bilaam asked if Hashem didn't want him to go. However, in his heart he still wanted to curse the Jews and get his reward. So, the angel again told him that if he wants to go, he may go.

From here we learn an extremely important concept that is fundamental to our existence in the world: "Baderech she'adam rotze lelech, molichin oso – whichever path in which a person wants to go, that is where he is guided [by Heaven]." In other words, everything in life boils down to a person's ratzon. Although Bilaam knew clearly that Hashem didn't want him to go, nonetheless, through the strength and stubbornness of his ratzon, Hashem let him go. His desire was so strong that – at least for a period of time – he was able to manipulate his situation to make it work out the way he wanted.

This was also due to the power of his speech. Rashi explains at the beginning of the parsha that, similar to Moshe Rabbeinu, Bilaam's main strength was through his words, just that he used this power for evil, while Moshe and the Jewish people used it for good. Thus, it was the combination of his iron will and his persistent words of contamination – witchcraft, omens, etc. – Hashem allowed him to go down his path of wickedness and contamination for a period of time. However, since he was trying to rebel against the Master of the Universe, in the end he miserably failed his mission and, instead of cursing the Jewish people, he gave them spectacular brachos.

What we learn from this parsha is that our success in this world and the next is depending solely on the strength and purity of our ratzon and our ability to express that ratzon in words. When we're able to sit in front of Hashem in hisbodedus and clarify exactly what it is that we want, and then reach out to Him in personal prayer, there is no measure to what we can achieve. We will be able to escape from all of our doubts and uncertainties that completely disable us and stop us from progressing in life. We will be able to connect to our neshama and the deepest desires in our heart. And we will be able to bring those desires into action.

When we try our best to connect to the ratzon of Hashem, either way we turn is the right way to go.

Additionally, since we're trying to do Hashem's ratzon, we won't hit any surprise dead ends in life that overturn everything that we're working towards. Reb Nosson explains that if we do hisbodedus and try our best to connect to our deep ratzon for Hashem, we cannot make a mistake no matter which way we turn. Either way we go we're turning towards our Creator and coming closer to Him. Even if after a period of time it becomes clear that we were really supposed to turn right instead of left, nevertheless, it is not considered as if we made the wrong decision. Since our intention was purely to attach ourselves to Hashem, either way we go we're on the right path, just that the moment that we realize that the other way is really better for us to achieve our goal, we simply switch over to that path and continue coming closer.

The only mistake that we can make is to get stuck. We can't let ourselves be paralyzed by doubt and uncertainty. Instead, we must turn to Hashem in personal prayer and share with Him all of our challenges and ask for His guidance. Through this, we can let go of all of our fears and worries about the unforeseen future and go through our life with incredible confidence.

This is the meaning of Bilaam's bracha, "Hen am levadad yishkon – Behold, this nation dwells by itself." In other words, the great praise of Yisroel is that we spend time every day alone (levad) with Hashem, expressing to Him our ratzonos to follow in His ways and make the right decisions in our life.

The following verse continues, "Mi mana afar Yaakov – who can count the dirt of Yaakov?" Reb Nosson explains that this refers to the immeasurable value of the dirt underneath each footstep that we make as we go to do hisbodedus. We have to realize that every single movement that we make to come closer to Hashem through purifying our desire we are fulfilling the purpose of all creation. Every effort we make to speak to Him is more precious than anything else in the entire world! Every single step that we take to attach ourselves to the deepest level of our neshama and connect with our ratzon for kedusha is the most invaluable treasure in the whole universe. Through this we can find our true path in life and taste the sweetness of knowing that we're on our way to Hashem.