Shemonah Esrei doesn’t contain a brachah requesting good children, which is surprising. We have brachos for parnassah and health; why not a brachah for nachas from the children?
One gadol replied that for good children, one needs to pray in his own words so he can express himself more fully and emotionally.
Rebbe Yissachar Dov of Belz zt'l said there is a request for good children in the Shemonah Esrei. It is implied in the words of Modim, לך נודה ודור לדור, "From generation to generation we will praise you..."
Hashem said to Yaakov Avinu (Bereishis 28:14), הארץ כעפר זרעך והיה, "Your seed shall be as the dust of the earth." A similar brachah was given to Avraham Avinu (see Bereishis 13:16). We can explain that hinted in עפר הארץ is that if one is עפר בלשונו מלכך, licks earth (the expression used in Tana d'Bei Eliyahu to describe intense tefillos), then he will merit good children.
Although Erev rosh chodesh Sivan is an auspicious time to daven for good children, we should really daven for this every day.
The Chasam Sofer zt'l said at the chasunah of one of his children, "Believe me, every day I shed tears that Hashem should grant me that my children should become greater than me. It should be (Devarim 30:5), מאבותיך והרבך והטבך, that your children will be better than their father." In our generation, it is especially important to daven for good children. We live in trying times, and no one is guaranteed success.
Reb Michel Lefkowitz zt'l was in chinuch for many years. (My father learned by him, and so did I. Some families were his students for three generations.)
Reb Michel zt'l said that he found an unusual, surprising pattern. Often, the child of the family who was the least successful in his youth becomes the most successful in his family later in life. For some reason, the outstanding child of the family is precisely the one who didn't excel in his younger years. His success might be in Torah, mitzvos, or business, but the pattern is that the one who seemed least likely to succeed ultimately outshines the others.
Reb Michel added, "I don't know why it is so, but I think it is because the parents invested many tefillos for this child. They davened for all their children but cried for this child, and their tefillos were answered."
The Baal Shem Tov said, "A segulah for good children is to wash in hot [water] every morning and night." He meant that parents should shed hot tears for their children at least twice daily.
Rebbe Yissachar Dov of Belz zt'l said, "I don't miss a Shemonah Esrei to daven for my son, Aharele."
Reb Aharon of Belz zt'l said, "How can we have good children if we finish a tefillah with our eyes still dry?"
Tana d'Bei Eliyahu Rabba (18) brings a story of a kohen who would daven every day, with all his heart and soul, that his children shouldn't sin, and his tefillos were accepted. We quote, "There was a kohen who feared heaven... He had ten children, six boys and four girls. Every day, he davened, bowed, pleaded, asked for compassion, and his tongue licked the earth that none of his children should ever sin or do something disgusting... When Ezra brought the Yidden up from Bavel, this kohen came up with them, and he merited children and grandchildren kohanim and kohanim gedolim."
A man from an irreligious kibbutz, raised by nonreligious parents, did teshuvah. The Chazon Ish zt'l explained that this man’s grandfather cried bitterly when his son left the path. His tefillos didn't work for his son, but they took effect on his grandson.
The Chazon Ish zt'l once said that sometimes a bachur turns around in a moment. Yesterday, he didn't understand the Torah, and today, he does. What happened? This is because his mother davened and cried for her son to succeed in Torah, but a kitrug prevented and blocked the tefillos from going up. The moment the kitrug was removed, everything turned around.
There were twin brothers that were learning in the same cheder. One was an exceptional student, and the other a very weak one. The teachers were amazed at how twins could be so different. One day, however, everything changed. The weaker student suddenly became a masmid and began understanding and enjoying Torah. The change was so quick and drastic that people wanted to know how it happened. The principal asked the father for an explanation. At first, he didn't answer, but when the menahel kept asking, he replied that he made a kabbalah to say birchas haTorah with kavanah. The day he made this kabbalah, his weaker son began to excel in Torah.
This is because we say in birchas haTorah, לשמה תורתיך ולומדי שמך יודעי ...וצאצאינו אנחנו ונהיה, we daven and ask that our children succeed in Torah study.
Reb Moshe Sternbuch zt'l once said a marvelous idea in Torah at the Tchebiner Rav’s shiur. The Tchebiner Rav reacted by saying, "It isn't your explanation! It is your mother's because you could only say such a good pshat due to your mother's tears."
Reb Shlomo Wolbe zt'l says that he thinks the main chinuch of a child is the parents' tefillos. He said that his success in Torah and harbatzas Torah (teaching Torah) is because of his mother's tears.
Rebbe Elimelech of Lizhensk zt'l and Rebbe Zusha of Honipoli zt'l saw a very special young child, and they asked the mother to tell them about her husband's ways because they wanted to understand how he merited having this special child. The mother said that her husband is a regular, good person, nothing out of the ordinary.
They asked her to tell them his seder hayom, and when she began speaking about Shabbos, she said, "There is one thing. During shalosh seudos, when he says, וזכנו לשמה בתורה עוסקים בנים ובני בנים לראות , he repeats the words many times, with immense hislahavus, in a loud voice, until he faints. This happens each week." This young child became renowned as Rebbe Dovid of Lelov zt'l.
A seventy-year-old man came to the rosh yeshiva of a baal teshuvah yeshiva and said he wanted to do teshuvah. The rosh yeshiva asked him why he wanted to do teshuvah at this point in his life. (It isn't common for people to do teshuvah and totally change their life at that age.)
The man explained that his father was burned in Auschwitz, and his mother became irreligious. She sent him to an orphanage, which the Ponovitzer Rav zt‘l ran. Once, his mother visited the orphanage and discovered that it was a religious institute, and she immediately took her son back home to Tel Aviv.
The next time the Ponovizher Rav visited the orphanage, he asked about this child and why he wasn't there, and the staff told him that the irreligious mother had taken him home.
The Rav immediately went to the woman's home in Tel Aviv. It was Friday afternoon, but his pain of losing a Jewish child was so great that he couldn't push it off. When the mother saw the Rav, she said, "If you came to convince me to return our son to the orphanage, I want you to know that there is nothing to talk about! I was in Auschwitz..." and she told him that after all the tzaros she went through, she abandoned Yiddishkeit. The Ponovizher Rav didn't respond – he just sat there and cried.
When this son turned seventy, he came to the rosh yeshiva of the baal teshuvah yeshiva and said, "The Rav's tears chased me for sixty years, and that's why I am here today to do teshuvah."
Melamdim and magidei shiur shouldn’t follow this counsel
When fathers ask how their sons are doing, they should lavish praise when due. The message is that parents shouldn’t stop shedding tears and praying for their children.
Hashem tells Rachel (Yirmiyahu 31:15), מבכי קולך מנעי, "Refrain your voice from crying." But it wasn't only Rachel who cried. Leah also cried, as is implied in the words (Bereishis 29:17), רכות לאה ועיני, "and Leah's eyes were moist." She was crying that she shouldn't become Eisav's wife. Rashi writes, "Rivkah had two sons (Yaakov and Eisav), and Lavan had two daughters (Rachel and Leah). People were saying the older daughter to the older son (Leah for Eisav), and the younger daughter to the younger son (Rachel for Yaakov).” Leah was worried that she would marry Eisav, and therefore she cried. Hashem doesn't tell her to stop crying because Hashem loves such tears. Tears for spiritual success are desired tears.
The Torah (Bereishis 32:1) tells us that Lavan blessed his daughters. The Sforno writes, "Chazal tell us that a birkas hedyot, the blessing of a simple person, shouldn't be trivial in our eyes. The Torah tells us that Lavan blessed his daughters to teach us that when a father blesses his children, it is with all his heart and no doubt the brachos will take effect because this is the segulah of a brachah from a human being who was created with a tzelem Elokim, as it states (Bereishis 27:4), נפשי תברכך בעבור, 'So my soul can bless you.'"
There was an outstanding student learning in Gur and the rosh yeshiva, the Pnei Menachem zt'l, enjoyed speaking with him in learning. The boy's father visited the Pnei Menachem to ask about his son's progress. The Pnei Menachem replied, "He's doing well. He learns well," but didn't elaborate. He didn’t tell him how special and scholarly his son was.
Soon after, the father returned to the Pnei Menachem and said, "The yeshiva students told me that you enjoy speaking with my son in learning, and you talk with him all the time. So why didn't you give me a more enthusiastic report when I asked about my son?"
The Pnei Menachem explained, "Parents have to daven for their children, and I didn't want to take that away from you the merit of tefillah. If I had praised your son, you would feel confident that everything is fine, and you would stop davening for your son's success, and that would be a great loss."
The Pnei Menachem added a personal story. "I was born from my parent's second marriage. Once, my mother cried before her second husband, the Imrei Emes zt'l, that a son from her first marriage was called for the army draft. The Imrei Emes replied with a brachah, "May Hashem help. My mother told her mother how worried she was about her son. Her mother was the Imrei Emes's sister. She went to the Imrei Emes and asked him about her grandson. The Imrei Emes replied, 'Don't worry. He won't be drafted.' When he gave this havtachah (promise), everyone calmed down, and baruch Hashem, there was a salvation.
"My mother asked the Imrei Emes, 'If you knew my son wouldn’t be drafted, why didn't you tell me? I was so worried.' The Imrei Emes replied, 'A mother must daven. I knew there would be a yeshuah, but your tears were needed. If you had known for sure that everything would be okay, you would stop davening and crying, and your tears were needed for the yeshuah!'"
The Pnei Menachem turned to the father, "This is why I didn't elaborate on your son's success. I didn't want you to feel that everything was wonderful. A parent must daven."
