(The following write-up is based on what I saw in the Gilyon, Omek HaPeshat)
Reuven had a daughter in shidduchim, and he had an interesting custom. Anyone who would suggest a shidduch for his daughter would receive a cheesecake to his door on erev Shabbos as a token of “hakoras hatov”, even if the shidduch never came to fruition.
Shimon heard about this, and he decided with Shavuos coming up he wanted a free cheesecake. Shimon called Reuven’s house and suggested a certain bochur for Reuven’s daughter. Shimon had no idea about shidduchim and if the shidduch was even suitable, he didn’t even know what Reuven was looking for. He mentioned a random bochur from the top of his head, he never did any research into the bochur, and he didn’t intend that the shidduch should work out. He didn’t even speak to the chosan’s side, he just mentioned the name in order that he would get cheesecake. Lo and behold that Friday he received a yummy fresh cheesecake at his door.
The question is, is Shimon allowed to eat this cheesecake, or is it perhaps gezeilah [stealing], as if Reuven would have known Shimon’s intent and that he only suggested the shidduch to get cheesecake, he wouldn’t have given it? Or, do we say, the bochur could potentially be a good match, and the shidduch could technically work out, therefore, it’s not considered gezeilah?
R’ Yitzchok Zilberstein’s Pesak
It’s well known that there are special people who have the minhag to pay shadchonus, even if in the end the shidduch doesn’t work out. There are a number of reasons for those who do this:
1) Some pay, as they want to encourage the shadchan to suggest more names, get the shadchan on their good side and hopefully in the near future find a suitable match.
2) Some pay based on the Gemara in Bava Metzia (83a). The Gemara relates: Rabbah bar Rav Chanan hired workers to move some barrels, and they ended up breaking them. Rav said to them, not only would he not charge them for the damage, but he will also pay them for their work, as it says,ארחות צדיקים תשמר. We see that there is a middas chasidus to pay workers, even if they don’t end up doing the job, and even if they end up causing damage on the way.
3) Some Admorim [Chassidishe Rebbe’s] pay for every shidduch suggestion, as every suggestion brings the shidduch one step closer. And even a bad suggestion helps bring the shidduch closer. The Admor of Rudzin would give a rouble for every suggestion. The Ner Yisroel (Vol. 4, pg. 13) explains: The reason was because every suggestion brings the shidduch one step closer. The Sar Shalom of Belz, the Divrei Chaim of Sanz, and the Satmar Rebbe all acted like did this.
Therefore, we must determine why Reuven’s family gave out cheesecake for every suggestion. If it’s because of the first two reasons then our case doesn’t count, as Shimon isn’t a shadchan and he isn’t going to be encouraged to suggest more names, and he isn’t a worker, as he was never asked to get involved. If, however, it’s the third reason, perhaps this suggestion also brings the shidduch closer, and he may eat the cake. Tzorich iyun.
(Pesak of R’ Zilberstein cited in Kovetz Vovay HaAmudim, 29, Adar 2, 5776)
What Other Poskim Have to Say
Theft: When R’ Yechezkel Cohen shlita was asked about this, he said it is considered stealing. Shimon never intended on this bochur being a suitable shidduch, and Reuven only intends to give cheesecake to those who suggest serious options. If Reuven would know Shimon’s intent, he would never have given it, therefore, it’s stealing to eat the cheesecake. It doesn’t make a difference what Reuven’s family intended, as the cake is payment for “suggesting a shidduch” and this is not considered a suggestion at all. Moreover, the cheesecake is a token of hakoras hatov, and when Shimon has bad intent, certainly Reuven doesn’t mean or want to show hakoras hatov.
Glatt: On the other hand, some say this is perfectly “glatt” as this is the point of the cheesecake. Reuven gives out cheesecake so that he gets lots of suggestions, and hopefully in the end it will lead to a shidduch. It’s worth gifting a number of people with cheesecake to eventually find a shidduch. The proof he doesn’t care so much, is that Reuven never checked how sincere Shimon was. Additionally, since Reuven has been stuck trying to find a shidduch, every phone call they receive is exciting for them and helps lift their spirts, and they are happy to receive such calls. Additionally, the reason Reuven gives out cheesecake is to publicize he is looking for a shidduch for his daughter, and in this case as well it creates publicity.
One could argue that even if Shimon isn’t a shadchan, offering cheesecake may encourage him to start getting into the shadchan business. And even if he wasn’t asked to get involved, since he is doing a job, it may still be nice to pay him.
Mutar: R’ Nossan Kopshitz ruled that there is no problem of stealing, as in the end of the day Shimon suggested a shidduch. There was never a stipulation made by Reuven as to how long one must spend on looking into the shidduch, therefore, Shimon hasn’t done anything wrong. R’ Shamai Gross also ruled that it’s ok, as in the end of the day, every suggestion brings the shidduch closer. R’ Moshe Uri Eisenstein also ruled there is no question of stealing, as it’s clear in seforim that every time a shidduch is suggested it is because there is someone in heaven (grandparent etc.) who wants the shidduch to happen, and even if in the end it doesn’t come to fruition, the suggestion isn’t coming from nowhere. R’ Asher Freeman also said that it’s ok to eat the cheesecake, as there are many stories that random shidduchim were suggested, and in the end, they came to fruition.
R’ Tzvi Cheshin also ruled that certainly the cake may be eaten as Shimon did what was required of him. As long as it’s possible that the bochur and girl could get married, i.e. neither of them are already married, he has acted correctly. [On the contrary, the question is, what would happen if in the end the shidduch came to fruition. Would Shimon get shadchanus, or would we say since he just intended for cheesecake and not for the shidduch he isn’t entitled to anything. Even in this case, R’ Cheshin thinks he would get full shadchanus] R’ Yehoshua Landau also maintains, since the cheesecake isn’t payment, but is just a token of appreciation there are no conditions attached, and Shimon is entitled to eat the cake.
Depends on If He Suggested to Both Sides or Not: R’ Dovid Shvimer (שוימר) said, it depends if Shimon suggested the shidduch to both sides, or if he just suggested it to the side giving out the cheesecake. If he suggested it to both sides, it shows he is sincere, if, however, he just suggested it to the side giving out cheesecake then it shows his intention was just for the cake. He adds: They say about the Divrei Chaim that he would give a rouble for every suggestion, however, if one suggested the shidduch just to get a rouble he wouldn’t give it.
Depends If It’s Realistic or Not: R’ Yitzchok Silber (הגר''י סילבר) said it depends on the type of shidduch that was suggested. If it’s a realistic type of suggestion, i.e. both families are similar, similar background etc. and it is something that could potentially happen, then Shimon is entitled to the cake. If, however, it’s a ridiculous suggestion and a non-starter then he doesn’t deserve the cake.
Similarly, R’ Michal Fried said: It depends on if it’s realistic or not. If one side is very frum and religious and the other side is the complete opposite, then Shimon doesn’t deserve anything. If, however, they are both frum (even though not every day such a suggestion is made), then Shimon is entitled to the cake.
