Parshas Naso’s Haftorah contains the story of the birth of Shimshon. Shimshon’s mother was childless. The Angel of Hashem appeared to her and told her that she was going to become pregnant and give birth to a son. That son turned out to be Shimshon haGibor. However, the pasuk does not only say she would become pregnant and have a son. It begins by saying “Behold you are barren and have not given birth.” (Shoftim 13:3)
The Medrash asks – why was it necessary for the Angel to tell Manoach’s wife that she was barren and had not given birth. This was a fact of which she was obviously aware!
The Medrash answers “This teaches that there had been a dispute between Manoach and his wife.” In Biblical times, they did not possess the medical knowledge or technology that we have today to determine when a couple is infertile, whether the cause lay with the husband or the wife. Manoach had told his wife “Our childlessness is your problem! You are the barren one.” She argued back to her husband, “No. The problem comes from you. You are the infertile one and the reason we do not have children.”
According to the Medrash, this was part of the Angel’s message to the woman. The Medrash first says that Manoach’s wife was a tzadekes [a righteous woman] and for that reason the malach appeared to her with this Divine message rather than to her husband. The Medrash says that the malach came to make peace between husband and wife, by presenting them with the “Divine diagnosis” of the source of the problem. “It is indeed your “fault” that you have not had children with your husband. Stop fighting about that. But you should know that now, you are going to become pregnant!”
Manoach’s wife told him, “An Angel told me that we are going to have a baby.” (Shoftim 13:7) However, she conveniently left out from her statement to her husband the fact that the malach confirmed that he had been right all those years in their argument regarding the cause of their inability to have children.
Now this seems somewhat odd. The Medrash says that she was a tzadekes, and that in her merit, the angel appeared. We are not talking here about just your average woman on the street. We are talking about a woman who merited speaking with a malach, and whom the Medrash calls a tzadekes! So then why does she not confess to Manoach that she had been wrong? Why doesn’t she tell him “You know, after all these years that we have been fighting with each other about this matter, the angel revealed to me that you were right, and I was wrong!”?
The reason is that one of the hardest things to do in life is to say “I am wrong. It is my fault.” The novel idea here is that a person can be a tzadekes, and a person can be on the level where they merit speaking with a malach, but to say the words “It is my fault. I am wrong” is a very difficult challenge.
R’ Frand relates:
I once gave a drosha entitled “The Three Most Important Words in Marriage.” I began my speech by asking “What are the three most important words in a marriage?” Some suggested “You look beautiful.” Others suggested “I love you.” I maintain that the three most important words in a marriage are “It’s my fault.” This is very hard to do. One can be a tzadekes, one can speak with an angel, and one can announce that “we are going to have a baby.” But to say “You were right. I was wrong. It was my problem”—that is very difficult. (R’ Frand)
