Question: My wife hardly ever turns off the air conditioner or lights when she leaves a room. If I say something, she gets upset and says I am cheap. She knows how much money we make, how much we have to spend, but she doesn’t change. A couple days ago our air conditioning system broke and I told her I wasn’t fixing it and am buying fans for the house. Now she hasn’t spoken to me for two days. What do you think I should do?
Answer: You have a valid concern in regards home finances as the price of many basic living expenses continues to rise. But, let’s look a bit deeper into the dynamics of the conflict. For starters, what is your goal? It appears that your aim is to decrease the electric bill, thereby decreasing your household expenses. Additionally, you would like your wife to speak with you again.
Once a person knows what they want to achieve, they can evaluate whether their approach is leading to a desired outcome. From what you wrote, the electric bill remains high, you are continuously frustrated and there is a lack of harmony in the home. Thus, it would see that a new approach is necessary.
The fact that your wife calls you cheap and refuses to help with the electricity, leads one to wonder if there is more going on than the electricity. Perhaps she feels her needs are not being met; that there is never enough money for things that are important to her.
For the next six months, experiment with a new approach. Buy your wife a gift each month - it doesn’t have to be extravagant, but something that you know she wants. Take her out at least once a month. Make sure there is money in the budget for things she may want - i.e. new clothing, household items, etc. Make her feel that she is your first priority.
A husband may respond, “I would love to give my wife all these things, but we barely get buy covering basic expenses.” That might be reasonable to the husband, but is it alright with the wife? Is a new dress from time to time any less important than paying arnona?
Regarding the electric bill, as your shalom bayit improves, that issue will become less and less of a problem. As the Rebbe writes: the Mishna states that “peace is the vessel that holds and sustains G-d’s blessing.” Within the various types of peace, shalom bayit is one of the greatest of all.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
