Broke the case
A lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for so long!" His father yelled, "You idiot! We've been living on the funding of that case for ten years!"
Price of a beer
A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender “How much is a beer?” He answered “For you, no charge.”
Kid Quotes
"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - DonnanMaria G, age 9
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you" - Rob P, age 8
"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it" - Steven B, age 8
"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7
"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense" - Beau M., age 10
Travel
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Steven Wright
My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm trust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport. - Dennis Miller
In Paris, they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language. - Mark Twain
In a Mexican restaurant, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded. - Billy Connolly
Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won't die. - Mark Twain
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. - Spike Mulligan
I like terra firma. The more firma, the less terra. - George S. Kaufman
A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car. - Emile Ganest
A Hollow Leg
Old Morty Mandelbaum went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age,” replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be,” fumed old Morty, “You don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
A Higher Power
Mrs. Rosenberg was teaching her Hebrew school class an important lesson. "We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times, haven’t we class?" “Yes, Mrs. Rosenberg,” they children answered dutifully. “But there is a higher power, isn’t there? Who can tell me what it is?" Little Moishie Weinberg blurted out,"I know, Aces."
One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
