Ask the Rabbi
Why Don't My Kids Listen To Me?
by Aron Moss
Question: I need some tips on how to get my kids to respect me. I speak nicely to them and they don't listen. I yell at them and they don't listen. That's when I really lose it. Whatever happened to the Ten Commandments: Honour Your Father and Mother? Does that not apply to kids these days?
Response: There is a deeper interpretation of that commandment. “Honour your father and mother” can be read in a way that flips the onus back on the parents. Do you want your kids to listen to you? Then honour the father and mother within you.
Each of us has an inner child and an inner parent. The child is our emotional, irrational and unreasonable self. That part of us is moody, sensitive and erratic.
Our inner parent is the voice of reason, calm and self-control. This is our rational side, our deliberate, thought-out and methodical self.
We need to honour the parent inside of us and give it authority. Our mature self, not our childish self, should direct our behaviour. Think before you react. Consider what you say and how it sounds. Don't allow your impulses to rule your life. Honour the father and mother in you.
This applies to all areas of life, but even more so when parenting children. Honour your inner father and mother, and your kids will too. Allow your inner two-year-old to run the show, and your real two-year-old will take the hint and do the same.
If I yell at my kids to go to bed, not out of concern for them, but because I am in a bad mood, over-tired, or preoccupied with my own stuff, they know it and don't respond well. At that moment, I am not a parent, I am just another child being bossy. I have lost my authority. Why should they listen to me?
I first need to parent my inner child. Rather than reacting from a place of emotion, I need to consider my response and remain calm, firm and deliberate. Then I am modelling to my child what it means to be a grown-up. And I am reclaiming the authority - first over myself, and then over my child.
They still won't always listen to me. That's fine. They are behaving like a child. At least I am not. My objective should not be to control my children. My objective should be to control myself.
