By Sarah Chana Radcliffe
When should you just listen and when should you offer advice?
Your child - or spouse - has come to you with a problem. First make sure you understand it. You can do this by repeating it, asking a few questions about it and then checking that your interpretation of the issue is correct by asking the speaking if it is. Once you understand it, then acknowledge the challenge in some way. For example, "I can see why you're upset/confused/worried"...etc. Leave a bit of space here so that the person can ask for help if he or she wants it. You can just nod meanwhile and appear sympathetic. If no help is asked for, you can ask the person, "Do you want my advice?" Respect the answer and proceed accordingly.
Being "seen" is a key to emotional well-being, so parents need to "look..."
When your child looks or sounds "down," you can show that you notice and care by saying something like, "You look/sound a bit down. Is everything okay?" Doing this makes the child feel seen and cared about even if she doesn't want to open up to you right then. Just be sure to also notice happy times ("You seem quite perky! Did something awesome happen?"). If you only notice negative emotions, the child may come to believe that it's only the problematic side of life that will get your attention or that is important to pay attention to. The goal is not to notice pain; it is simply to NOTICE.
