Another grandchild. So he puts it away and he waits for the grandchild to come back. It's a halachah. It belongs to that grandchild. You say, “Well he left it over; I'll give it to somebody else, a different grandchild.” No you can't give it to somebody else. The same is what you do to his feelings; only that it’s worse than stealing from him. Ona’as devarim is worse and Hakadosh Baruch Hu will remember the unnecessary shame you caused that child.
Hashem’s Children
And therefore to remember the chomer hadevarim. Your husband, your wife, your children, your neighbors, your friends, co-workers – don't hurt anybody's feelings. You must always be careful when you're talking to a Jew. A Jew is beloved by Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Hashem loves amo Yisrael, and He doesn't tolerate anybody who hurts their feelings. There's a big kepeidah.
And therefore, it becomes necessary for people to begin thinking more about what they’ve done. Husbands and wives, boys and girls, old sages and business people, yeshiva people, everyone must spend some time thinking about how they speak. It should be a program, a project. “What did I say during the day? I am too careless with my words. I should train my tongue to be restrained. For how long am I going to be careless and allow my tongue to be a tool of hurt for others and destruction for myself?”
Part III. The Healing Tongue
The Other Side of the Tongue
Now, it's important to conclude our subject with one more idea, to take our subject in a different direction. Up until now we were saying that ןֹוׁ ָּ̆לַה „ַי¿ּב ̇∆וָמ – death is in the hand of the tongue (Mishlei 18:21); it means that words are very powerful and can be very destructive. You can even kill somebody with your words! And you can ruin yourself too. But we shouldn’t forget the other side of the coin, the other word in that possuk: ןֹוׁ ָּ̆לַה „ַי¿ּב יםƒּיַח¿ו – The power of life is also in the hands of the tongue. A tool as powerful as the tongue can also be a life-giver in this world.
That’s what Mishlei (15:4) tells us, ı≈ﬠ ןֹוׁ ָ̆ל ‡ּ≈פ¿רַמ יםּƒיַח – A healing tongue is a tree of life. It means that you can actually be a healer, a life-giver with your tongue. If you train yourself to console people, to encourage them, to make them feel good, you’re going to become not only a tzaddik but also you’ll be a very great professor of medicine.
A Needy World
Because people everywhere are ailing. Everyone needs a lift; everybody can use a word of consolation, a friendly word or a compliment. And don’t think that because a person is an extrovert, because he’s bubbling with talk and it’s hard even to get a word in sideways, that he doesn’t need it. Oh no! You can be sure that even he is listening, waiting for something from you. Because that’s what people want most – kind words.
I hear it when people call me on the telephone. They call me up for advice but they don’t let me talk! It’s remarkable! It looks like they’re coming for advice but they don’t want to listen to me. They are waiting for a “wow.” Once in a while they’ll give you a space of a few seconds to say a word or two in between, “You’re right. You’re right.” Of course you can’t always say, “You’re right,” but that’s what they want. They don’t want advice; they want justification and kind words.
And so, with just a little foreplanning, you can be the one who pours salve on the wounds of your discouraged fellow Jews. They want some recognition, some kind words; that’s the medicine that mankind craves most and you have the medicine to give them. With your tongue you can accomplish more than physicians do.
One Test After Another
It means that every person you meet is an opportunity! And you have to realize that a person is measured, he’s judged, by how many people he encounters successfully. It pays to think about that; to make a cheshbon hanefesh about that. It's not a bad idea to do that sometimes before you go to bed; look back at your day and see how successful your encounters were. So you start thinking. In the morning you encountered your wife, let's say, when you got out of bed and you went to the kitchen. What did you say?
Then you went to the beis hamedrash to pray, and you encountered somebody on the way and then in the synagogue you encountered a few people. You didn’t speak to most of them but maybe one or two you did. And then you went home for breakfast and encountered your daughter who was on her way out the door to the Beis Yaakov. Then you ran to the corner to catch the bus, so the bus driver was also an encounter. Yes, goyim too; you should practice up on goyim to train yourself in good character.
And then in the place where you work or in the yeshivah, you also bumped into a few people. There are a lot of boys in the yeshivah who need encouragement. If you're a teacher, look around. Your pupils need encouragement. There are some who are not getting along well; some are sad, some are broken because of home conditions. Some have struggles at home. Some are not well. Some have difficulty keeping up with the studies.
So how many people were you tested with today? Look back at your day and see how successful these thirty, forty, fifty encounters were. Of the fifty times you met people, how successful was the way you spoke to them? Were you successful in the important avodah of marpei lashon?
The Man With Many Wives
Now, once you understand this principle, that every human being you encounter is a test and the more people you encounter, the more tests you have, so you’ll begin to understand what a wife is. Your wife is a lot of people. Even after the cherem d’Rabbeinu Gershom, it’s not one wife because the many times that you encounter your wife add up to many people. Each encounter is another opportunity, another test.
And the same with a husband. The thirty times in one evening that you had some masa umatan, a talk, exchange of words, or something, that’s thirty encounters; it’s like different people. That's how we look at a mate, a husband or a wife.
And therefore, with whom is it more frequently possible to utilize your tongue for healing than a husband to a wife and a wife to a husband? They see each other more than anybody else. What difference does it make if it’s your wife or your neighbor or another neighbor or another neighbor? Your wife is like a hundred neighbors. Each encounter is a new test. Did she have a pleasurable response to your company, to your words, or chas v’shalom the opposite?
A Man’s Business
That’s the outcry of very many women: “He never once gave me a compliment. He never told me he appreciates the supper I prepared.”
Now, the husband is an honest man. He’s not a superficial fellow, and he thinks it’s ridiculous. He says, “She knows I appreciate everything – I have to say it?!” And because he is begrudging in words, his life goes one wasted opportunity after another.
You have a whole treasury of gold, golden words, that costs you nothing to share. And your wife is right there and she is willing and ready to hear it from you. Your poor wife, after a day in the hot kitchen, after hours of taking care of the children, is waiting for it. And if you’d be willing to donate one or two words of encouragement, you don’t know what you’re accomplishing.
When you walk into the house, say, “How nice and clean your house is.” Or say, “You’re an expert manager, a good balabuste.” From time to time, tell your wife she’s an eishes chayil. On erev Shabbos you can say, “I see you’re working very hard to bring in Shabbos Kodesh. What a big mitzvah to be involved with all day.”
Show appreciation. It costs no money! The human being is capable of finding the right expressions and that’s your job; to look for ways and means of complimenting your wife. Sing her praises — not once and finished. Investigate, find what to praise — that’s your function. You might think it’s nothing; no, it’s not nothing – it’s everything!
A Wife’s Business
Wives to their husbands too. Your husband puts on a facade maybe, but he craves the respect of his wife. So your poor husband when he comes home tired from a day in the office or in his shop – he has so much friction with customers, with supervisors, with competitors.
Maybe his boss was mean to him and he’s knocked out. If you’re a wise wife, you greet him with a couple of nice words. “Chaim, I’m glad to see you. I made a nice supper for you today.”
As much as possible she has to show appreciation for her husband. If she sees that her husband is osek in Torah, she should praise him. Anything he does, she should praise. It doesn’t mean she has to stand there like a canary all day long and sing his praises but she should make it her business always to look for opportunities to drop a word of encouragement to her husband. “Chaim, you fixed the sink very well. It’s working perfectly now.” Or “You’re looking good today.” It’s all part of the great career of marpei lashon.
Home Sweet Home
Of course, in the home there’s more than a wife. Actually of all the opportunities there’s not one that is as prolific, as fertile, as the home. The Jewish home is the scene where the avodah of marpei lashon can be carried out in the best possible way. Your parents, your brothers, your sisters, your children – those are the best opportunities because they’re always available in the house.
Children who are encouraged in the home learn better. They are more neat in their habits. They are cooperative if they are encouraged. And most of all it’s the best vitamins! Encouragement, compliments, praises – those are the best vitamins for your children. When he does a little bit, make it better than it is and let him feel that there’s an incentive to do good.
And by the way children should seek to encourage parents. Don’t forget about that. You have to encourage your father. He’s slaving away in the factory to give you a home, to pay your tuition, to give you clothing. You have to encourage your mother. She’s standing over the stove. She’s cleaning your shirts, your underwear. Don’t think it’s just a one-way business. There are a lot of ways you could encourage your parents, and they need it too because the world is busy doing the opposite. And therefore a few kind words from children mean a great deal.
A Great Career
It’s a great career, this program of marpei lashon, and therefore, when we read about ona’as devarim in this week’s parsha and we study the words of Chazal describing how wicked it is to say hurtful words to your fellow, we must understand that avoiding that sin is only the beginning of our careers. Because by means of your tongue, you can become great. The tongue is the opportunity for a man to achieve in this world.
And therefore, people who have a head on their shoulders and they think about the tremendous opportunity that they have, they won’t be satisfied if they just don’t criticize or recriminate. It’s not enough if they won’t bicker and belittle. Avoiding ona’as devarim is most vital, but it’s not enough. Because really it is only the foundation for much greater things – it’s the stepping stool for the great career of marpei lashon. How important it is to learn that the יםƒּיַח ןֹוׁ ָּ̆לַה „ַי¿ּב ̇∆וָּמַה¿ו; that life, in this world and also everlasting life in Olam Haba, is in the power of the tongue. And therefore, the man who lives with idealism and understands the greatness of this gift, that man can live most successfully.
Have A Wonderful Shabbos
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This week’s booklet is based on tapes: 154 - Career of Encouragement | 450 - The Tongue and the Last Day of Judgement | 572 - Tongue of Kindness | 645 - Gift of Speech | E-215 - The Marriage Counselor
