The True Purpose of Having Good Children

The True Purpose of Having Good Children

To Make Your Name Known

We’re all familiar with Tefillas HaShelah —which we recite on Erev Rosh Chodesh Sivan, and which really should be recited all year— in which we supplicate the Ribbono shel Olam for our children to follow the path of the pious. Yidden throughout the generations have always recited this special tefillah with extraordinary feeling and emotion, pleading with the Ribbono shel Olam to grant us ehrliche Yiddishe nachas. Thus, it is worthwhile to delve into the words of this tefillah in the hopes of attaining clarity and depth into the entire sugya.

What You Really Want

Sometimes, a person desires something... but he doesn’t have a precise idea of what he wants, or why he desires it. He becomes very excited while pursuing it; he makes phone calls and sends messages... he lays out money and makes many other efforts to attain what he thinks he wants. But when we stop him and ask, “Why do you need this so much?” he can’t really answer—he can’t properly express why he needs it.

When a person lacks the clarity for why he desires something and what is motivating his desire, it’s a real shame—he can’t really daven for it, because he’s not clear himself regarding what he wants and why he needs it.

If a person wants something, the best way to obtain it is to daven to the Ribbono shel Olam for it. But in order to be able to daven properly, one must be clear about precisely what he wants.

Why Do You Want It?

In this vein, let us turn to the השל"ה תפילת, in which we daven to the Ribbono shel Olam for good children who will follow the proper path and who are successful in Torah.

If the Ribbono shel Olam would ask us, “Yes, We will see what We can do about granting you good children... but why do you so desperately desire good children?” could we answer the question? Because this desire is so ingrained in us, we don’t give it enough thought. A Yid doesn’t even understand the question. He becomes emotional and emphatic, saying, “It’s the most important thing! Good children are everything!

Yes, but why? Why is it so important to have good children?

An Eternal G-d

The השל"ה תפילת is designed not only to serve as a vehicle for this deep-seated desire, but also to give voice as to why every Yid desires good children. The tefillah begins, not with a supplication, but with the history of the creation of the world: בראת שלא עד אלוקינו ה' הוא אתה העולם, You are Hashem, our G-d, even before You created the world. ואתה העולם משבראת אלוקינו הוא, and You have continued to be our G-d even after You created the world. א-ל אתה עולם עד ומעולם, Just as before Creation there was nothing but You, so too, after the Creation of the world, there is still nothing but Hashem.

We may see many things in the world, including forces of lust and ta’avah, forces that draw us to commit aveiros... but nothing has changed; there’s still only Hashem. Tzaddikim explained that עולם is an expression of העלם, concealment. Despite the concealment that is characteristic of This World, we proclaim that Hashem is our G-d. Despite the darkness that often permeates the world—when life is challenging, or when things seem to be in conflict with the ratzon Hashem—we nevertheless know that there’s only Hashem.

This is how the tefillah for good children begins, because these assertions are crucial to understanding our sugya, as we will soon see.

Why the World Was Created

If all this is true—that there’s only Hashem—why did the Ribbono shel Olam create such a place that so conceals His Presence? The answer lies in the next words of the tefillah: אלהותך לאשתמודע בגין עולמך ובראת, and You have created Your world in order to publicize Your G-dliness.

The Ribbono shel Olam created the world with people in it, to whom He gave wisdom and understanding—and it is His desire that they come to the recognition of His G-dliness in spite of the darkness and concealment. How? הקדושה תורתך באמצעות, through Your holy Torah. That is, this is a dark world. It is difficult to see that there’s a G-d. But if you learn Torah, the G-dliness of Hashem will become known throughout the world. ישראל ובשביל תורה בשביל 'בראשית' רבותינו שאמרו כמו, as our sages have said: [the word] Bereishis [tells us that the world was created] for Torah and for Klal Yisrael [both of whom are called ראשית]. That is, the Yidden will learn the Torah that teaches them that the Ribbono shel Olam runs and orchestrates the world.

In other words: Before the creation of the world, there was no concept that החושך מתוך אור, that the Ribbono shel Olam can be found amid the darkness and the concealment of This World. Our world introduced the idea that even when things are so clothed in layers of גשמיות, still, the Ribbono shel Olam is here, in every place and in every matzav. And this is the avodah of This World: to proclaim the Presence of Hashem despite the concealment.

Getting to the Point

Further in the tefillah, we say that Hashem chose our nation, gave us the Torah, drew us close to His Name, and only then do we come to the point: When the Aibishter created the world, He gave us two mitzvos.

One is ורבו פרו, be fruitful and multiply; i.e., to bring children into the world, and the second is בניכם את אותם ולמדתם, to teach those children Torah and that there’s a G-d in the world.

The rationale behind these two mitzvos—continues the Shelah HaKadosh—is the same: To ensure that the people of the world will recognize Hashem. Thus, we ask that “our children and our children’s children will learn Your Torah and know Your Name,” for them to truly succeed in leading lives permeated by Torah, mitzvos, yiras Shamayim, and ahavas Hashem.

Why is it so important to begin with this long introduction as a basis for our desire for good children? Is it that difficult to understand?! This is a dark and complicated world, with many nisyonos... and we’re asking Hashem to give our children the necessary yiras Shamayim with which to navigate it. Do we really need this long introduction and history lesson about the creation of the world and its purpose?! It’s really so simple. We have children, and we want them to understand Torah, to love Torah, and to have yiras Shamayim.

Why We’re Here

The answer is that while it’s clear that everyone wishes to have good children, it is not entirely clear why it is that they want this. A person may want it for any number of reasons. And it is therefore important—as we engage in this tefillah—to properly meditate on our motivations behind this desire.

And the Shelah HaKadosh is teaching us that the true reason to want children who follow the Torah path is because our purpose on this earth is to publicize and proclaim the existence of Hashem! To publicize the existence of Hashem and His orchestration of This World means that wherever we are, and whatever events we witness in the world, we recognize that it is all the Ribbono shel Olam. We recognize the endless good of the Ribbono shel Olam, and we thank Him for it. We serve the Ribbono shel Olam in ways that emulate His ways—and all of our actions are geared toward recognizing Hashem in This World. This is our purpose here in the world: to engage in actions that will bring awareness of the Creator of the world.

Children Are Merely an Extension of Our Mission

Perpetuating Awareness Through Future Generations

On top of this responsibility for us to proclaim the name of Hashem in the world, we are commanded to broaden this awareness. You can focus on your own awareness—through Torah, through tefillah, through meditation on the Presence of Hashem—but I want you to build upon this...open “an organization” to proclaim this awareness to others.

One of the ways to accomplish this is to bring children into the world and to instill in them this awareness. They will then do the same for their children, generation after generation—exponentially growing the foundation that you have laid—the ultimate fulfillment of your purpose in the world. When a person cares about a business or an endeavor, he is concerned that it should continue even after he’s no longer able to oversee it. This is what we’re essentially accomplishing when we instill awareness of Hashem into our children.

Indeed, Rav Avigdor Miller zt”l wrote in his will that in his lifetime he hadn’t managed to thank Hashem adequately for the good in his life, and after his passing, he would no longer be able do so. He thus asked his children to continue the work of thanking Hashem for the good that He gave to him! He felt responsible for the perpetuation of his mission on earth—ensuring that it should continue on for eternity!

One Mission

A person must understand that the sugya of having children and that of having ehrliche children are really one and the same. They aren’t two separate ideas: The entire purpose of having children is that they should walk in the ways of Hashem, serving as an extension of our mission to publicize the Presence of Hashem.

Sometimes, we see that a Yid is highly successful in his avodas Hashem, but his children don’t really follow in this path. We view it as a peripheral failure...something unfortunate that happened to him. But really, it’s a dent in the fulfillment of his own mission אלקותך לאישתמודע, to make known the Name of Hashem. (Below, we will discuss the matter of when children don’t follow the paths of their parents. But we must make clear that it is part of the essence of a person’s purpose—which is to publicize Hashem—that his children should likewise follow it.)

Sticking to the Root

It is a person’s purpose to rise in the morning and proclaim his awareness of Hashem, to make his way to shul and sing דזמרה פסוקי, and the berachah of חושך ובורא אור יוצר, and so forth—all in order to proclaim his recognition of Hashem. The sugya of children is simply a manifestation of this mission; to broaden the awareness and ensure its continuity, generation after generation.

We must understand that the desire for good children is rooted in our innate desire to proclaim Hashem’s Name. This is built into the core of every neshamah—just as every neshamah has an innate desire to learn Torah. These desires can’t be quieted or stilled, because they live deep within us. And here lies a delicate and fine point: When a Yid moves away from the real reason for wanting good children (thinking it is for honor, or ego, or a feeling of success, etc.) he won’t necessarily attain it, he won’t necessarily be granted the reasons that he wants it. The Ribbono shel Olam may have other ideas of how this Yid must publicize His Name. Our avodah is to stick to the original root of this desire: to spread the Name of Hashem.

We All Want to Spread Elokus

Sometimes, we see a bachur who doesn’t enjoy learning very much, and he doesn’t see success in it. He says, “You know what? Maybe I can use my talents for kiruv... to learn with ba’alei teshuvah, or with children....” And we don’t look at this the right way. We think he’s merely looking for excuses not to have to sit at the Gemara. But the truth is, he is searching for ways to spread Elokus, whether or not he can express it—because this is what the neshamah wants.

The neshamah is itching to spread awareness of the Ribbono shel Olam—and this is truly the motivation for the desire to have children, and to have good children. The neshamah wants it for the right reasons—and the more a person connects to this root desire, the real reason he wants good children—the more successful he will be in this endeavor. This is what the Shelah HaKadosh is teaching us with this introduction to his tefillah: We cannot approach Hashem in supplication for good children without this introduction: We want to spread Your Name! It is our very purpose on this earth! And this is the reason that we desire good children.

Remembering the Real Reason for Our Desire

For Thee, Not for Me...

When people lose the plot, chas v’shalom... they forget the real reason for this desire, they will make mistakes in the chinuch of their children. When we forget exactly what it is that we want, we become preoccupied with the side elements. We must remember that there’s a Ribbono shel Olam, and we’re commanded to proclaim and spread His Name—through our own avodah, and to broaden this out through our children.

A sure giveaway that someone has lost the plot is when a Yid is very vigilant with the yiras Shamayim of his children, but he doesn’t cry very much when he himself lacks yiras Shamayim. But the Shelah HaKadosh tells us that he composed this tefillah צאצאיו ועל עצמו על להתפלל, for a person to daven for himself and for his offspring... they go hand in hand! If a person cares more about the Yiddishkeit of his children than about his own Yiddishkeit, he clearly isn’t in this for kevod Shamayim.

The neshamah does want to spread Elokus—but when we forget about this, we become preoccupied with the external aspects of our children’s identity and what it means for us.

Having It Backwards

A person must ask himself... If I want good children because I want to spread Elokus in the world, why don’t I care as much about my own learning and davening, chessed, yiras Shamayim, and so forth?

Often, parents hear in chinuch lectures that the best way to encourage their children is to serve as role models—so they say divrei Torah at the Shabbos table, and they attend a shiur, and so forth...Now, these people aren’t wrong, and this is the least they should do. But the problem is that they have it backwards: Their primary motivation in their avodas Hashem is that their children should follow their cue. If they didn’t have children, chas v’shalom, they would apparently have no reason to do the right thing. The reality is that your children’s avodas Hashem is only an extension of your own! A person’s desire to spread Hashem’s Name must be so strong that it extends also to his children. But his own avodas Hashem and recognition of Hashem is the primary event!

Only the Truth

The more we remember the truth, the more we will feel a sense of bitachon that the Ribbono shel Olam will make it happen. The truth—the earnest desire to spread Hashem’s Name in the world—will happen. The layers of self-interest that many of us add onto this may not. We must be open to the idea that the Ribbono shel Olam has other ways in which He would like us to proclaim His Name in the world. If it is someone’s mission not to have children, R”l, then the Ribbono shel Olam surely has other ways to satisfy the person’s true desire to spread awareness of His Name.

Rav Meir Shapiro left the world without children—but tens of thousands of people know the Name of Hashem only because of him. The Satmar Rav didn’t leave behind any children—but tens of thousands of Yidden know that there’s a G-d in the world because of him. If we really mean kevod Shamayim, our desire will surely come to fruition—in whatever way that Hashem deems proper. Because when you will be preoccupied with ratzon Hashem, you will surely merit siyata diShmaya.

The Sole Purpose

The same principle applies to the great nisayon of when children don’t follow the path we want for them to follow. It is extremely painful for the parents, and often, parents cannot be consoled, feeling that they leave no legacy behind. But the truth is that even this pain can be mitigated by focusing on the truth.

When a Yid remembers that the sole purpose of good children is to increase kevod Shamayim in the world, and he knows that he has done everything in his power to spread awareness of Hashem, then he knows that he has fulfilled the mission! This Yid will embrace this nisayon too, and he will feel less pain about it.

Furthermore, sometimes, this nisayon may itself be part of the mission of increasing kevod Shamayim! The Chovos HaLevavos teaches us that sometimes, the Ribbono shel Olam gives a tzaddik challenges and difficulty for the express purpose that others should observe the way he contends with and deals with his nisayon with joy and emunah. For this Yid whose chinuch didn’t go as he would have liked and nevertheless serves the Ribbono shel Olam with love and joy—this is such a lofty level of spreading the Name of Hashem!

Sticking to the Actual Mission—Despite the Optics

When Things Don’t Go as Planned

So, the more a person insists on the core truth—the mission of לאישמודע אלקותך—the more he will live with the reality that he will be successful in it. He will live with this and be able to truly be joyful. All the tzaddikim, in every generation, had their unique mission in how to spread awareness of the Ribbono shel Olam. If a person truly desires to proclaim Hashem’s Name, his desire will surely come to fruition.

The same applies to people whose children are, Rachmanah litzlan, disabled. The parents of such children may say, “How do I fulfill the mission of making the Name of Hashem known with such a child?!” And they become broken by this. But the truth is that a person who approaches this nisayon with the proper attitude recognizes so much opportunity for kevod Shamayim! How much אלוקות גילוי, revelation of Hashem’s Name, results from this... People will see what באהבה יסורים קבלת means. People will see true bittul and humility to Hashem’s plan—all as a result of this child! This child now becomes a vehicle for proclaiming Hashem!

The Epitome of Kevod Shamayim

This is even truer when parents of a large family are blessed with one disabled child—and all members of the family emerge so refined and so selfless, all as a result of observing and experiencing the warmth and the selflessness of their parents toward their sibling. They develop a completely different attitude to life. Can there be a greater dissemination of kevod Shamayim than this?!

Parents of special children also have the ability to guide and inspire other parents who struggle similarly, and encourage them to find the Ribbono shel Olam within the darkness of their situation. Their child, then, is the essence and the epitome of אלקותך! לאשתמודע For how much G-dliness is brought into the world through him!

When a Child Chooses a Different Path

Then there’s a child who’s not disabled, baruch Hashem, and he hasn’t rebelled against Yiddishkeit, but he’s a bit different. He has a different personality, and he wants different things. He doesn’t follow the plan that his parents had developed for him. He chose a different path in avodas Hashem.... he chose a different mashpiah.

This may be difficult for the parents to accept. There are a number of issues at play. There’s an element of fear that he may be deviating from the path of ruchniyus, and there’s also an element of shame and disappointment that he rejected their path.

How many tears must we shed so that we shouldn’t be carried away by these external and superficial elements of chinuch of our children—and chas v’shalom do more damage than good as we’re trying to “fix” our child! Learning the introduction to the השל"ה תפילת about the true purpose of good children—that it’s all about kevod Shamayim—will help us remain real and grounded. As a result of fear and anxiety about what our child may later do, we may sacrifice אלקותך לאישתמודע in the present.

Dealing with Disappointment

Sometimes a daughter may not go dressed exactly like her mother, and sometimes a yungerman goes out to work barely a year after his wedding... and the parents are disappointed.

We must remember that the mission is to have children, and that they should love the Ribbono shel Olam, fear the Ribbono shel Olam, and feel gratitude toward the Ribbono shel Olam. These are the yesodos, the foundations of Elokus in This World—and we cannot sacrifice these foundations because of our anxieties over things that are in the category of guardrails for the ikkar.

The parents may be disappointed, and even embarrassed, by their child—and this causes a rift and a severing of ties between them. “Don’t come to the wedding... you’ll embarrass me,” they may say in pain. This parent forgot what this is all about. This severance between the parent and the child brings a severance between the child and the Ribbono shel Olam! You’re robbing the child of his relationship with Hashem over your personal feelings.

It’s Not About Your Feelings

How often do parents refuse to allow children to make the mistakes that are part of their growth and development—by force! The seder of the Torah is that mistakes are part of our development, and children must be allowed to experiment and fail so that they will come to recognize the proper path and return to it.