Question: My grandson is six years old. He is the first born. He has hearing problems because of a hole in his eardrum caused by tubes. He wears a hearing aid. He has ADHD and has difficulty in school. He is a challenging child for his parents. He does get some kind of therapy but I'm not sure exactly. He has a three year old brother and a one and a half year old sister. I am concerned in regards his behavior towards his little brother who is sweet natured with no learning issues. The six year old is controlling and competitive towards his brother and says and does things to hurt him intentionally. An example: The three year old came to me and said, Y told me I was a little boy and he is a big boy. He was sad and it was obvious that it hurt him. The three year old wants so much to play with his brother but it has to be on the older one's terms. There are other situations which I saw which bothered me and I am concerned about the three year olds feelings of self worth. Their parents are loving and attentive. They are trying hard to be good parents. Is there anything I can do to help in this situation?
Answer: The challenge you describe is compounded by the fact that you are the grandparent and not the parent. Thus, how you intervene will also depend on your relationship with the children’s parents. Do you have open communication? Will they be amenable to your ideas? Will your suggestions create tension in your relationship? These are some questions to consider.
However, whether you do or don’t decide to speak directly with the parents, as a grandparent there are a number of things you can do:
- In the course of discussion, share with the parents the wonderful qualities of their six-year old. Parents can unknowingly become focused on the child’s difficult behavior. By helping them reframe the way they view their son, the relationship will be enhanced and their approach will be more empathic and understanding.
- Notice positive behavior. Point-out and compliment the six-year old when he acts in a positive way. For example, “that was so nice how you included your younger brother in your game and shared your toy.”
- Model positive behavior through educational stories. The stories can also be of personal challenges you went through as a child and how you resolved the issue in a positive way.
- Show empathy to your six-year old. This will provide the springboard for you to guide him in developing empathy for others.
- Teach healthy behavior. Without taking sides or judging, suggest different ways of speaking or acting.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
