There will still be people reading this who assume that there are exceptions. The wife writing the letter mentions that her husband doesn’t see the problem, and this is relatively common, especially if the person concerned grew up in a home where there were always lots of guests, or he was accustomed to eating by other families on Shabbos. However, it’s important to understand the differences between a family inviting guests, a maggid shiur inviting bachurim, and a couple inviting another couple.
In a family setting, the social aspect is less intimate and it’s more of a “crowd,” so to speak. Even if there are several young couples at a long table, they are likely to be swallowed up in the general atmosphere. There is also generally a rosh hamishpachah, which is a point actually mentioned in the poskim regarding occasions when a mechitzah is not necessary.
At the home of a maggid shiur who invites a number of bachurim to a seudah, the atmosphere is also not “light-hearted and social.” This cannot be said of two couples sitting together at a table, even if the two men are friends and the two women chat between themselves, but they are still sitting in close proximity. The red line is right there and could be (accidentally and even unwittingly) crossed at any moment, if not on the first encounter, perhaps on a later one.
When There Seems to Be No Choice
Then there are situations where one feels (rightly or wrongly, whatever the circumstance may be) that, “I simply don’t have a choice.” What then?
In such a case, it can happen that a person says to himself (perhaps unconsciously), “Well, I know this is wrong, but once it’s over I’ll do things properly. For now, I don’t have a choice.”
I don’t mean to say that people set out to step beyond the boundaries, but it is important to recognize what could happen if a person is not on his guard, and to take all possible precautions. Let’s compare it to someone who for whatever reason feels he cannot wear a seatbelt, whether because it’s broken, he has stomach pains, or it’s too great a restraint for him. It would be wrong for him to think to himself, “I’m anyway not doing this safely, so I’ll just speed along the Palisades without a care in the world!” No — the opposite is true. If for whatever reason he is deprived of the protection of a seat-belt, he should double-check that the airbags are in working order and that the brakes are functioning, and he should drive slowly and cautiously.
The same applies here, where no matter what, the laws of yichud of course still apply, and caution must be implemented wherever possible.
Finding Solutions Together
The wife asking the question presents it as both her and her husband seeking my advice. Whenever I can address both spouses together, it’s much easier to find a way to a solution, though it’s certainly possible to see huge improvements even when only one spouse is addressing the issue. It’s important to make sure this issue doesn’t become a point of contention in the marriage.
Even in cases where both husband and wife are willing to address issues, it’s so important that they figure out an effective way of doing so. Too many couples clash over the same issues for years without finding (or even, sometimes, looking for) a solution.
Solutions emerge from either discussion or compromise (or both), sometimes with external input from a rav or counselor or another trusted person. A good solution leaves both spouses feeling better, not one of them feeling they got the raw end of the deal, even if their part of the “compromise” means that next time around, the other spouse has to give in. Compromise should be accompanied by understanding of the other person’s position and accepting that a middle path is actually the best one to take.
Be’ezras Hashem when we approach problems with humility and bring Hashem into the picture and into our lives at every opportunity, we will be able to build homes for the Shechinah and experience Hashem’s help and guidance throughout our lives.
