In the example you provide, you were fortunate that your daughter raised the issue of her sister’s birthday in advance. Although she still threw a tantrum on the day, knowing that you weren’t going to back down probably did something to tone down her reaction.
If she hadn’t mentioned it in advance, however, it would have been wise for you to do so. While we can’t anticipate all of our children’s struggles, birthdays are quite predictable and it’s always easier to deal with things calmly when the challenge isn’t staring us in the face. In general, many issues parents deal with are relatively predictable, as many fall into patterns. When we put our minds to it, we can often anticipate challenges and stay one step ahead, dealing with them before emotions escalate and there’s nobody to talk to.
Another thing you can do to defuse tension is praise your daughter for any progress she makes in overcoming her jealousy, however small. On the morning of her sister’s birthday, for instance, you could tell her, “It’s great that you’re smiling and wishing your sister mazal tov even though she’s getting a gift and you’re not. It’s so nice that you’re not giving her a bad feeling, and I know how hard you’re trying to be good!” Even if all she’s doing is not yelling and screaming, you can still tell her that.
