QUESTION: I wanted to get your opinion on the following situation: The father and founder of a highly lucrative family business, wants his family to eat a heart-healthy diet. He gets very upset whenever any of the family at the office orders fries, oil rich foods, and/or fatty meats and anything at all with mayo. At the office, if lunch is being ordered in front of him, the family has developed a code system of food ordering – where certain not-so-healthy sandwiches have other names. If a family member wants to order the pastrami and he is within earshot of the father, he tells the one doing the ordering, to order him the salmon. Other code words that are employed: corned beef is “tuna”; roast beef is “flounder”; potato salad is “green beans” and if mayo is desired, he asks for a “diet Italian dressing”.
The family claims that this ruse is permitted because “Muttar Leshanos Mipnei HaShalom” – it is permitted to lie to keep the peace – in this case, to keep their father from getting angry. Is this indeed permitted?
ANSWER: In response to your question, there are three thoughts that I would like to share:
- In Ashrei HaIsh (YD Vol 1, 39:4), Rav Elyashiv ZTL’s view is cited regarding a father asking his son not to smoke cigarettes. Rav Elyashiv says that the son is still permitted to smoke and believes that there is no violation of Kibud Av V’Aim (the Mitzvah of honoring [and listening to] one’s parents) assuming the son does not smoke in front of his father. This also assumes that the father has no specific, justifiable reason for telling him not to smoke. For example, Rav Elyashiv might say that a specific, justifiable reason not to smoke, may be if there is any history of heart disease in the family. In such a case, the son may not smoke even when he is not in his father’s presence.
- The same dynamics are at play with lying to the father to keep the peace. If there is no other way to order the desired food without lying to the father, and the father does not have a specific, justifiable reason for insisting on the healthy diet, it would appear to be permitted according to Rav Elyashiv.
- A second issue, however, are the words of Rabbeinu Yonah who says that it is wrong to smile at a falsehood (because of its loathsomeness). It seems to me, that the family may be having too much fun ordering the “tuna” with a side of “green beans” and “diet Italian dressing” to communicate their order of corn beef, with a side of potato salad with mayo.
- Finally, we have to be extremely careful, in general, about lies – even innocuous ones because if one lies, one may be punished due to a lie that they have told (i.e. punished Midah K’Neged Midah – measure for measure). For example, Aisav (Esau) knew how to trap and deceive his father with his mouth and would ask Yitzchak, “Father, how should one tithe salt and straw?” when Aisav knew full well that salt and straw do not require tithes. However, he asked his father this, to lie and trick his father into thinking he was strictly religious. Accordingly, Aisav met his end due to a lie that he told. When Yaakov was to be buried in the Ma’aras HaMachpeilah (loosely, the cave of the Patriarchs and Matriarchs), Aisav attempted to prevent the burial by lying, saying that he was the owner of the cave and would not permit it. This ultimately led to his death, as Chushim Ben Dan killed Aisav, when he saw that he was attempting to obstruct Yaakov’s burial.
Based on the above considerations, the family should not employ this ruse when ordering their food within earshot of their father.
