Does this mean that a child can never get their way, just because a parent didn’t anticipate the problem and forestall the clash? Not necessarily. There are times when “giving in” is the right answer, as long as it’s done the right way. There are times when parents need to learn how not to be stubborn with their judgement. How does one distinguish between those times and others?
A big part of the answer depends on whether the concession is being demanded or requested, or perhaps not even verbalized at all. If a child demands a gift or a treat, it’s almost never appropriate for the parent to accede. Children need to learn that they may not demand anything of their parents, even if it’s something that they fully deserve (such as a meal or clean laundry). Demanding something of a parent is both the opposite of being respectful to parents as well as a generally inappropriate manner of getting one’s way. It should be firmly nipped in the bud if it ever happens.
If a child asks for something, however, there’s room to consider the request within its context. So, if your seven-year-old says to you, “Mommy, can you buy me something small on my sister’s birthday, too?” you could, after reminding her that when it was her birthday, no one else got a gift, tell her, “Well, I’ll think about it, and perhaps I’ll give something small to you and your brothers when it’s your sister’s birthday.” That’s the big difference between a request and a demand.
You don’t have to agree to all requests, however, nor do you have to give the impression that the child must always be deserving or that you should have thought of a solution yourself. Regardless of what answer you give, it should be clear that you’re allowed to turn down even the most polite request, if you feel that a refusal is warranted. It should be clear that you aren’t afraid of saying no, or of a child’s reaction.
