In Labor
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, ‘Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!’
‘Don’t worry,’ said the doc. ‘Those are just contractions.’
Bear Story
A bear walks into a bar and says, ‘Give me a whiskey and.....… cola.’
‘Fine, but why the big pause?’ asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged. ‘I’m not sure; I was born with them.’
Q&A
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.
Toy Store
This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
‘Shloimie,’ I said going up to him, ‘I didn't know you were a collector!’
‘I'm not,’ he replied.
‘Oh,’ I said, ‘You're buying a gift, then.’
‘No, not at all,’ my friend responded.
‘If you don't mind my asking then,’ I said, ‘Why are you standing in this line?’
‘Oh that,’ he answered. ‘I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!’
Three Boys
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: ‘Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow’.
The second one says: ‘Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet’.
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: ‘You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!’
Job Hopping
I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.
Then I went to work for a company that prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.
So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premises, so I left.
After that I went to work for a demolition company. I got fired for breaking the cardinal rule of demolitions: Make sure you get the address right.
So I tried acting. I auditioned for the role of Hamlet, but it was not to be.
Broken Eggs and Crushed Bread
I was working at the grocery-store checkout counter, and a woman and her son came through the line. The son unloaded the cart. Two eggs in a carton had been broken, and half a loaf of bread had been mysteriously crushed. His mother chided him, remarking that she would have to make French toast with the injured items. He looked properly repentant until his mother walked off. Then he whispered to me, ‘A friend told me to try the broken egg/squashed bread routine. That's how he gets his mom to make French toast for him!’
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.