R' Avrohom Shmuelevitz Shlita told a story about a Bachur who once came to his father, R' Chaim Zatzal with a list of complaints. He didn’t like his Chavrusa, his roommate, and many other aspects of his Yeshiva life. R' Chaim told him that the problem wasn’t his circumstances; it was himself. He was the type of person who always saw negative, and as a result, he complained easily. All these details of his life are just a context for him to find excuses to complain.
I heard this Yesod in Novardok (and R' Chaim Shmuelevitz Zatzal was an Einikel of the Alter Zatzal). This can save you from all kinds of misery. When people complain about Shalom Bayis, I always ask if they had problems before they met their spouse. Actually, you come out ahead when you blame your own weakness in Middos. Especially if you have a Shita to work on your Middos, and are taught to enjoy working.
A certain person was besmirching R’ Gershon Liebman Zatzal in a bad way, and everyone had no doubt that this person was dead wrong. Yet, R' Gershon told me with a smile: “I just have to work on myself, and everything will be okay”. The burning issue of all mankind is perfecting his OWN Middos.
If you don’t have such a Chinuch, then you will start hating people, and hating your unfortunate circumstances. R' Gershon never complained, even during the Holocaust. Believe it or not, it’s all in your mind, and in the way you are taught to see things.
“You take that from him?” “What a chutzpa!” Indeed, people may be wrong and unjustified for their evil ways. But the true Oved Hashem is much more interested in his OWN growth, and he has little interest in changing others (of course, this isn’t always true). They live with “Daas HaOlam” (the non-Torah mindset) where if you aren’t getting Kavod, it’s a disaster.
People’s ordinary conversation can actually harm you, since Redifas HaKavod dominates them all, which will eventually hurt them, Chas V'shalom. “You made it into the newspapers!” “You have a smaller/bigger Yeshiva than so-and-so.” “What a great (or terrible) speech!”
People think that having a: ויִחָא תַלוּדְגִבּ חַמָשֶׂשׁ בֵל heart that rejoices with his brother’s greatness is just for Ahron HaCohen, not us, Chas V'shalom. And they think that having Yissurim shows a weakness; you are viewed as a nebach who didn’t “make it”. Just the opposite of the Torah’s view: תֶא יִכּ ַחיִכוֹי 'ה בַהֱאֶי רֶשֲׁא בי ג ילשמ Hashem gives Yissurim to a person He loves. אָרְגַא אָרֲﬠַצ םוּפְל אבות ה כב “The reward is according to your effort” means little to them, and people don’t appreciate the pain in their lives.
The main focus in Novardok was learning how to live: ְבּ םַﬠֹנ יֵכְרַד i.e., doing Ratzon Hashem by learning the appropriate Mussar that calms you; the #1 way to live successfully in Olam HaZeh & Olam HaBah!
