As we mentioned earlier, on Shabbat, the light of unity shines — a light capable of elevating a person to the coveted level of "one man with one heart"! We must yearn and long to merit that light of unity. But although aspirations, desires, and yearnings are commendable, one cannot suffice with that alone; one must also make efforts through concrete actions:
Although the light of unity shines throughout the entirety of Shabbat, the time for actively fostering family unity is specifically during the three meals of Shabbat: the Friday night meal, the Shabbat day meal, and the third meal (seudah shlishit). At these times, there is special siyata dishmaya (divine assistance) that enhances family unity and cohesion. When the Shabbat table is properly conducted, all of the hearts are connected and united, and abundance and blessing are drawn down upon the entire family...
We must clarify an important point relevant to our discussion: We must recognize that a healthy, stable, and proper relationship can be created and maintained only by establishing pleasant, respectful, eye-level, heart-to-heart dialogue between parents and their children. The relationship between them should not be authoritarian, like a commander to a soldier, but rather authoritative—on the one hand, clarifying to the child what we demand and expect of them, and on the other hand, responding to the child's needs. Being responsive means listening to the child’s needs with a deep understanding of his soul and with a receptive ear, such that the child understands and feels that his parents truly understand him, feel what he feels, are aware of his needs, and genuinely want what is best for him. When this is the case, then even if the child asks for something and the answer is “no,” he will be able to accept that “no” is a correct answer — for they want only his best.
Fostering such a connection can be achieved primarily on Shabbat when the divine light shines greatly, and everything is calm and serene, through heart-to-heart conversations. In this way, one merits connecting to others. Therefore, it is forbidden at the Shabbat table to be critical of anyone, especially not of one's children; criticism is a dangerous weapon, and whoever does not know how to wield it can cause destruction in his home.
Our task as parents is to reach into our children’s souls, to kindle their inner flame, to strengthen them, and to illuminate for them all the goodness in the world. Unfortunately, today, much of the dialogue between parents and children consists of barking orders: "Do this," "Bring that item,"... and likewise constant criticisms: "Why...?" "How come...?" Even when a compliment is given, it ends with a caveat... There are parents who go so far as to criticize and rebuke their children continuously! This defective trait leads to many great and terrible evils...
Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach's Lesson
Before the door of Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach Zt”l stood a Torah scholar, with tears on his cheek. When the door opened, the man entered and began to pour out his bitter heart before him: “Holy Rabbi! Why did I not merit that my sons follow the path of Torah and tradition, the path of our forefathers? They disparage all that is precious and holy — despite the fact that I toil in Torah with all my might, and my home is built strictly on the foundations of halachah. At the same time, my neighbor, who lives opposite me — a simple Jew who works at the factory — merited that all his children go on the straight and good path?!”
Rabbi Shlomo Zalman said to him: “Know, all this happened to you because of your Shabbat table!” “Shulchan Shabbat?! Dear Rabbi, what's the connection?” “Yes. The Shabbat table. I will explain to you: You have an unfortunate habit — ‘dishing out criticism.’ At the Shabbat table, when you sit with your family, you ‘critique’ Torah scholars and ‘hand out’ grades to different Jewish leaders... You would say to your children: ‘Don’t think that everyone who learns Torah has something to offer. Only if he is from our group, our own circle, and learns Torah — then you should respect him...’
Your sons heard your words and understood that if they want to 'save themselves' from criticism, slander, and disgrace — the best thing is to leave the world of Torah... They understood from you that it's possible to learn Torah yet still be a nobody — ending up with neither This World nor the Next. So they decided: we might as well at least enjoy this world! Because you sinned by denigrating Torah scholars, it was decreed upon you to suffer the most grievous pain in existence: the pain of raising wayward children!
As for your neighbor, it is true; he is a simple man. But at his Shabbat table, he shares words of Torah — each time from a different Torah scholar, each time from a different “camp” — and he speaks his words with humility and self-effacement, with boundless love for the Torah and those who learn it... Moreover, whenever he meets or sees someone who looks like a ben Torah, he becomes excited and very happy. He will kiss that person’s hand if he gets a chance with true, fervent love! His children, who see this love and who feel this esteem, who absorb this humility and self-effacement — understand that there is nothing more splendid than a person who learns Torah! They see how great those who learn Torah are in their father’s eyes, and they themselves yearn for that greatness... Since your neighbor always speaks in praise of rabbis and gedolei Torah and endears the Torah and those who study it to his household, therefore G-d granted him the greatest, most immense, and exalted gift that exists in this world and in the World to Come: "A blessed upright generation"!
