How many olives did the girl eat? Olive them!
What did the tree do when the bank closed? It started its own branch
Gladys Dunn started reading some books about Judaism and decided that she wanted to start going to shul. There was one near her house so she went early one Shabbat morning. The shul itself was beautiful and the people seemed friendly but the Rabbi’s sermon seemed to go on and on. Worse, it wasn't very interesting. Glancing around, she saw many in the congregation nodding off. Finally it was over. After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking woman next to her, extended her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn." She replied, "Yeah , me too !"
On his way to work one morning, Nathan arrives at Penn station a bit early. While he's waiting for his train, he notices a new machine on the platform - the sign on it says it's a state-of-the-art talking weighing machine. So Nathan stands on it, puts in a $1 bill and the machine says, "You weigh 160 pounds and you are Jewish."
Nathan can't believe what he's just heard. So he gets on it again and inserts another $1 bill. "You weigh 160 pounds, you are Jewish and you're waiting for the 7:35am train to take you to your job at the Bank."
He is totally shocked, but he's determined to beat the machine. He goes into the mens room, ruffles up his hair, puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, removes his tie, takes off his jacket and drapes it over his arm, and puts a first aid plaster on his chin. He then goes back outside, steps on the machine and puts in another $1. The machine instantly says, "You're still Jewish and weigh 160 pounds. You're also a shlimazel, you just missed your train."
