Getting Gas
The rabbi of a shul waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Rabbi," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The rabbi chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
K9 Partner
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Hand Mixer
Upon going away to yeshiva, where he would be able to cook a bit in his dorm room, Chaim received a hand mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that zman, she asked him how the mixer was working for him. "Not very good," Chaim said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the dorm room." After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Chaim, did you cook the potatoes first?" To which a surprised Chaim responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"
Not-so-smart thieves in court
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions. "You witnessed the robbery, sir?" "Yes" "What was stolen?" "Two televisions" "Did you see the thieves?" "Yes" "Could you identify them?" "Yes" "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?" At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
One-liners
What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I invented a new word! Plagiarism!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?” Because every play has a cast.
No drinks
Arial, Calibri, and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
New Office Passwords
A minor e-mail virus infestation hits the group that this network technician is responsible for, and after cleaning up the mess, he decides it's time for new passwords all around, just to be safe. Most of the group works in the same location, so he just takes a walk around the office, whispering the new password to each user. But one woman is at a remote site. The tech can't reach her by phone, and he's leery of sending her new password in unencrypted e-mail. Finally, he hits on an idea. He begins the e-mail message by explaining the password change. Then he writes: "And your new password is: (the last name of our intern from that hot country) followed by the digits of (the number of points our basketball team scored in our last game)." Very clever, he figures – it's information only someone in the group would know. Until he gets a reply message from the user: "I tried the password, but it didn't work. Could you set it to something not so long and hard to type? And are those parentheses important?"
Procrastination
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
