Learn with the Children
"You shall tell to your son." (Shemos 13:8)
When a Jew goes to shul in order to daven, or learn, he feels that he used this time for a mitzvah, and he fulfilled Hashem’s Will. But when this Jew sits and learns with his son for half an hour, for instance by going over the chapter of Eilu Metzios with him, he has the feeling that he sacrificed half an hour of his life for his child, that he forfeited this time that he could have used for himself.
Sometimes a father learning with his son looks like a jack-in-a-box, a puppet on a spring, that when the box opens, the puppet shoots out. The “poor” father was asked by his wife to learn with the child for a little while, and he does it because he has to (he doesn’t feel like it’s real “learning” because the child obviously isn’t on his level), and he is looking at his watch to see when they will finish and he can get back to what he wants to learn.
This feeling is coming from false premises. Mitzvos take time, and just like a person doesn’t look at his watch when he is in the middle of Kerias Shema to see when it will be over already, or how long the Shabbos seudah is taking, it should be the same when he is learning with his son. Because this, too, is one of the mitzvos that devolve upon him to fulfill.
There are actually a few points that many people don’t properly understand regarding this matter. R. Yisrael Salanter taught us a basic rule of Yiddishkeit: Medarf tan, nisht oftan – “You need to do, not ‘get it done.’” This means that a Jew needs to actually do and build things, but he is not like a contractor who gets nothing until he finishes the job.
We all know that a child needs daily care to grow up physically healthy. If his parents don’t make sure to feed him healthy, nutritious food, and just let him eat junk all the time, the child will not show immediate signs of malnutrition, but it is quite possible that later on in life, he will suffer from certain health problems. And every time the child eats right, it contributes to his long-term health.
The same is true with the child’s spiritual nutrition. The father needs to make sure his son is eating right, that he is feeding his soul. He should not say to himself that a quarter-hour of learning or the lack thereof is not going to make any difference for the child.
When a father learns with his son daily, or at least at regular time, such as Friday, Shabbos afternoon, or when school is not in session, he causes his child to grow up healthily from a spiritual perspective. It is just like eating good, nutritious food instead of candies.
Besides this, learning with the children is a segulah for success. It is a special type of Torah. It is Torah of fulfilling the mitzvah of ושיננתם לבניך.
In the beginning, someone who had a father, his father taught him Torah, and someone who didn’t have a father, didn’t learn Torah.... Until Yehoshua ben Gamla came and enacted that teachers of children should be set up in every state and town. (Bava Basra 21a)
They used to not have schools for children. There was no cheder. The fathers did home-schooling for their own children and that was it. Most children had fathers who taught them. We need to understand that there is no replacement for the Torah taught by the father. It has a different kedushah. It is Torah connected up to Har Sinai.
We should feel, when learning with the children, that it is not “wasted” time. Their education is an integral part of our avodas Hashem.
