Question:
My wife asked me to write this question to hear what you would say: She claims that when relational issues arise, or when she is visibly distressed, I do not take the initiative to discuss it. Instead, I either don’t notice or choose to avoid it entirely. This frustrates her and creates strain in our relationship. How can I handle this better?
Answer:
A husband and wife are two distinct individuals, each with different emotional needs, communication styles, backgrounds and expectations. Because of this, it is unrealistic to expect that we will naturally read each other’s inner world with perfect accuracy.
However, at the same time, deeper attunement is very much within reach. A healthy marriage requires learning how to tune in, again and again, to one another’s emotional signals.
There is an important distinction between showing interest in one’s spouse and truly being interested. Showing interest may involve asking a polite question or offering a brief response. Being interested, however, reflects a deeper inner stance: because I care about my spouse, I want to understand how they are feeling, what they are experiencing, and what might be troubling them beneath the surface. In other words, what matters to my spouse matters to me. Their concerns, their struggles, and their emotional experiences are of interest to me, even when they might feel inconvenient or uncomfortable.
At times, avoidance or silence may stem from a lack of interest, other times it may be a strategy to prevent conflict. Yet, for a spouse, whatever the reason, it can feel like indifference.
Initiating dialogue, addressing issues, and fostering emotional connection is not always easy and it can be challenging to notice emotional queues, step outside one’s own inner world and start these conversations. Yet, this is not a flaw, but a challenge Hashem has given the person.
Being interested and emotionally responsive is not a personality trait one either has or lacks; it is a skill, like a muscle, that can be strengthened with conscious effort and repetition. By learning to notice, inquire, and respond rather than withdraw, a person grows not only as a spouse, but as a more refined and emotionally present human being.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
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