Bashert
Parsha Pages | November 06, 2023
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Bashert

Parsha Pages | December 31, 2025

Based on Shiur by Rabbi Joshua Flug

The role of divine intervention in the area of finding a spouse. Is there special divine intervention that doesn’t apply in other areas of life and how does that affect our histadlus in this area?

I. The Relevant Ma’amarei Chaza”l

a. The Gemara quotes Shmuel that it is permissible to betroth someone on Chol HaMoed because there is a concern that someone else may come along and marry her. The Gemara challenges this from another statement of Shmuel that a bas kol announces who will marry whom. The Gemara answers that the other fellow may still marry her if he prays (will be explained later). The Gemara then quotes another statement that we see the concept of bashert in Torah, Nevi’im and Kesuvim. The example from the Torah is Besuel and Lavan saying מה' יצא דבר. (Moed Katan 18b)

b. The Gemara quotes two contradictory statements. The first is that a person gets married based on his/her merits (actions). The second is that forty days before a person is conceived a bas kol announces who they will marry. The Gemara answers that one statement is dealing with zivug rishon and the other statement is dealing with zivug sheni (will be explained). (Sotah 2a)

c. The Gemara, in discussing when it is appropriate to divorce, distinguishes between a zivug rishon and a zivug sheni. In a zivug rishon, the mizbeach cries and this doesn’t happen in a zivug sheni. (Gitin 90a)

d. The Gemara discusses why David HaMelech didn’t marry Avishag and notes that it was because David was already married to 18 wives, the maximum allowance for a king. The Gemara asks: why didn’t he divorce one of them and answers based on the aforementioned statement that if someone divorces a zivug rishon, the mizbeach cries. (Sanhedrin 22a)

II. The Approaches of the Rishonim to these statements

a. There are a number of questions that one can ask on these statements:

i. The Gemara states that everything is subject to divine providence except matters relating to yiras shamayim. (Berachos 33b) Isn’t getting married a question of yiras shamayim? What if a person decides not to get married or decides to marry someone who is prohibited to him?

ii. Tosafos ask: Why does the Gemara answer that it is permissible to get married on Chol HaMoed because someone might be able to marry the woman by praying? Why not just answer that we are dealing with a zivug sheni? (Sotah 2a)

iii. Why does the Gemara say that David HaMelech couldn’t divorce a wife to marry Avishag if the issue only applies to a zivug rishon? Isn’t only his first wife considered the zivug rishon? Why not divorce any of the others?

b. What is zivug rishon/zivug sheni?

i. Rashi (1040-1105) writes that zivug rishon is the match designated through mazal (i.e. the bas kol) and the zivug sheni is the match designated based on one’s actions. The latter is hard to match because they weren’t really designated as a couple. (Sotah 2a)

1. R. Yitzchak Aramah (c. 1420-1494) writes that the zivug rishon is the person that one is naturally inclined to marry. The zivug sheni is the person that is most fitting based on one’s actions and deeds. It is much more common for a person to marry a zivug sheni than a zivug rishon. (Akeidas Yitzchak Bereshis Siman 8)

ii. Tosafos Shantz writes that zivug sheni is a second marriage for both the husband and the wife. Zivug rishon is when either one has never been married before. (Sotah 2a)

1. Rabbeinu Asher (c. 1250-1327), in his Tosafos, makes the same point and adds that this is so because if either one is getting married for the first time, they will marry the person that the bas kol announced. (Sotah 2a)

2. Rabbeinu Nissim (c. 1320-1380) on Sanhedrin 22a quotes Rabbeinu David that the reason why David HaMelech didn’t divorce his second or third wife is that it was a first marriage for those women. Alternatively, even though the mizbeach cries for a zivug rishon, it is still a bad thing to divorce a zivug sheni.

a. According to the first answer, any first marriage is considered a zivug rishon (like the Ba’alei HaTosafos). According to the second answer, zivug rishon only applies when it is a first marriage for both of them.

b. It is possible that the zivug rishon in the Gemara dealing with the bas kol is different than zivug rishon in the Gemara dealing with divorce:

i. R. Menachem Meiri (c. 1249-1310) writes that when the Gemara discusses divorcing the zivug rishon, it is referring to someone who one married from a young age and remain married for many years.(Gittin 90a) It’s possible that it could be a second marriage for one of them and still be considered a zivug rishon.

ii. R. David HaLevi Segal (Taz c. 1586-1667) writes explicitly that zivug rishon in dealing with divorce doesn’t necessarily refer to the first person one married, but rather the person one was married to for a long time. (Even haEzer 119,5)

c. How does praying change who one will marry?

i. In the printed version of Rashi, praying will be effective if someone prays for one of the members of the couple to die. This fellow may pray to either marry her or let her die. If the original couple gets engaged on Chol Hamoed, the other fellow will stop praying for this. Alternatively, he may pray that the choson dies. (Moed Katan 18b)

ii. In a manuscript of Rashi’s writings (which is considered the authoritative version of Rashi on Moed Katan 18b), Rashi writes that through prayer, one can cancel the original declaration of the bas kol.

1. This is also the approach of Ritva (1250-1330), who adds that the merit of prayer can always cancel destiny through mazal. (Moed Katan 18b)

2. R. Menachem M. Schneersohn (1789-1866, the Third Chabad Rebbe) writes that these comments answer Tosafos’ question why the Gemara never introduces zivug rishon/ zivug sheni. While it’s true that the Gemara could have answered that someone can “steal” the zivug sheni and therefore, one can get engaged on Chol HaMoed, this answer explains why one can even marry a zivug rishon. It effectively says that for the concern of getting married on Chol HaMoed, there is no difference between zivug rishon and zivug sheni because the declaration of the bas kol can always change. (Tzemach Tzedek Moed Katan Chapter 3)

d. How does the concept of bashert work if we assume that there is free will to choose to marry a proper spouse?

i. Rambam (1138-1204) writes that it can’t be that who one is going to marry is pre-ordained because it is an issue relating to yiras shamayim and therefore subject to free will. (Shmoneh Perakim 8)

ii. R. Menachem Meiri is also sensitive to this question and suggests that in general, one will marry based on one’s actions and merits. However, if one gets married at a very young age and is not subject to schar v’onesh, then one will marry the person announced in the bas kol. (Sotah 2a)

1. R. Yehuda A.L. Alter (1847-1905) suggests that Meiri’s explanation can answer Tosafos’ question. By earning merits, one can change one’s zivug and therefore, one can get married on Chol HaMoed because there is a concern that either party may increase their merits and have the ability to marry someone else. (Sefes Emes Sotah 2a)

2. The Midrash quotes a dispute regarding the verse מה' יצא דבר. Where did it come from? R. Yehoshua bar Nechemiah said it came out of Har HaMoriah. Rabanan said it came from the verse (in that parsha 24:51) ותהי אשה לבן אדניך כאשר דבר ה'. (Bereshis Rabbah Siman 10)

3. R. Moshe Alshich (1508-1593) explains that the dispute is about which type of zivug Besuel and Eliezer were discussing. According to the first opinion, Yitzchak wasn’t destined to marry Rivkah and it was only because of his actions at Akeidas Yitzchak did he merit marrying her. According to Rabanan, he was always destined to marry her. (Bereshis 24,50)

iii. R. Shimon ben Tzemach (Tashbetz, 1361-1444) finds it difficult to say that there is a zivug rishon that is contingent on one’s mazal only if there are no merits or transgressions. How could it be that someone has neither? Rather, the idea is that a person has free will to marry whoever he pleases. Nevertheless, like all matters, if G-d doesn’t want something to happen, whether it is good or bad, it won’t happen. The person may have the best intentions to marry someone who will be the perfect wife for him, but she might not be interested, or the timing may not work out. Therefore, G-d has to approve every marriage and one will only marry someone who the bas kol announced, or the other party won’t be interested. This is why one may get married on Chol HaMoed, because through prayer, someone can change who the other party is interested in. (2,1)

III. The Role of Hishtadlus

a. If one’s spouse is pre-determined, either through bas kol or through one’s actions, does one have to put in any effort to find a spouse?

b. The Vilna Gaon (1720-1797) notes the verse in Tehillim that if G-d doesn’t want to build a house, the work of the builders is for naught. (Tehillim 127,1). The Gaon comments that this refers to the area of shidduchim and that all human intervention in shidduchim is for naught because everything is based on divine providence. (Yahel Ohr, Pekudei Heichel 6)

c. Other Acharonim stress the importance of hishtadlus to find a spouse:

i. R. Yehuda Chalavah (15th Century) writes that the process of finding a spouse is contingent on an individual's choice of what type of person he or she wants to marry and the effort put in to find that person. However, G-d ultimately determines whether those choices and efforts come to fruition. (Imrei Moshe Parshas Chayei Sarah)

ii. R. Eliezer Papo (1785-1828) writes that there are individuals who are not required to put in any effort in finding a spouse. However, we don't know who those people are and therefore, one must assume that he or she must put in full-fledged effort to find a spouse. (Peleg Yoetz, Erek Zivug)

d. If there is a requisite amount of hishtadlus, what is so special about the divine providence regarding shidduchim that is highlighted by the Gemara?

i. R. Chaim Shmulevitz (1902-1979) notes that Midrash that states that since the creation of the world, G-d has been occupied making shidduchim. R. Shmuelvitz suggests that what this means is that from our perspective, it is hard to see G-d’s hand in day to day life. One area where we can see it is in the area of shidduchim. No matter how hard people try, we can see that without siyata d’shmaya, there is no success. (Sichas Mussar, Maamer 35)

ii. R. Shlomo Zalman Auerbach (1910-1995) writes that the Vilna Gaon never meant that no effort is required. Rather he meant that less effort is required than usual. (Neimos Chaim, page 16)

1. One can add that the Vilna Gaon’s reference to the verse in Tehillim is telling in that the verse is saying that without G-d’s approval on a building that builders are wasting their time. It does not say that with G-d’s approval, the builders don’t have to build. Rather, their effort is necessary, but they also need approval from G-d.

Based on Shiur by Rabbi Joshua Flug

The role of divine intervention in the area of finding a spouse. Is there special divine intervention that doesn’t apply in other areas of life and how does that affect our histadlus in this area?

I. The Relevant Ma’amarei Chaza”l

a. The Gemara quotes Shmuel that it is permissible to betroth someone on Chol HaMoed because there is a concern that someone else may come along and marry her. The Gemara challenges this from another statement of Shmuel that a bas kol announces who will marry whom. The Gemara answers that the other fellow may still marry her if he prays (will be explained later). The Gemara then quotes another statement that we see the concept of bashert in Torah, Nevi’im and Kesuvim. The example from the Torah is Besuel and Lavan saying מה' יצא דבר. (Moed Katan 18b)

b. The Gemara quotes two contradictory statements. The first is that a person gets married based on his/her merits (actions). The second is that forty days before a person is conceived a bas kol announces who they will marry. The Gemara answers that one statement is dealing with zivug rishon and the other statement is dealing with zivug sheni (will be explained). (Sotah 2a)

c. The Gemara, in discussing when it is appropriate to divorce, distinguishes between a zivug rishon and a zivug sheni. In a zivug rishon, the mizbeach cries and this doesn’t happen in a zivug sheni. (Gitin 90a)

d. The Gemara discusses why David HaMelech didn’t marry Avishag and notes that it was because David was already married to 18 wives, the maximum allowance for a king. The Gemara asks: why didn’t he divorce one of them and answers based on the aforementioned statement that if someone divorces a zivug rishon, the mizbeach cries. (Sanhedrin 22a)

II. The Approaches of the Rishonim to these statements

a. There are a number of questions that one can ask on these statements:

i. The Gemara states that everything is subject to divine providence except matters relating to yiras shamayim. (Berachos 33b) Isn’t getting married a question of yiras shamayim? What if a person decides not to get married or decides to marry someone who is prohibited to him?

ii. Tosafos ask: Why does the Gemara answer that it is permissible to get married on Chol HaMoed because someone might be able to marry the woman by praying? Why not just answer that we are dealing with a zivug sheni? (Sotah 2a)

iii. Why does the Gemara say that David HaMelech couldn’t divorce a wife to marry Avishag if the issue only applies to a zivug rishon? Isn’t only his first wife considered the zivug rishon? Why not divorce any of the others?

b. What is zivug rishon/zivug sheni?

i. Rashi (1040-1105) writes that zivug rishon is the match designated through mazal (i.e. the bas kol) and the zivug sheni is the match designated based on one’s actions. The latter is hard to match because they weren’t really designated as a couple. (Sotah 2a)

1. R. Yitzchak Aramah (c. 1420-1494) writes that the zivug rishon is the person that one is naturally inclined to marry. The zivug sheni is the person that is most fitting based on one’s actions and deeds. It is much more common for a person to marry a zivug sheni than a zivug rishon. (Akeidas Yitzchak Bereshis Siman 8)

ii. Tosafos Shantz writes that zivug sheni is a second marriage for both the husband and the wife. Zivug rishon is when either one has never been married before. (Sotah 2a)

1. Rabbeinu Asher (c. 1250-1327), in his Tosafos, makes the same point and adds that this is so because if either one is getting married for the first time, they will marry the person that the bas kol announced. (Sotah 2a)

2. Rabbeinu Nissim (c. 1320-1380) on Sanhedrin 22a quotes Rabbeinu David that the reason why David HaMelech didn’t divorce his second or third wife is that it was a first marriage for those women. Alternatively, even though the mizbeach cries for a zivug rishon, it is still a bad thing to divorce a zivug sheni.

a. According to the first answer, any first marriage is considered a zivug rishon (like the Ba’alei HaTosafos). According to the second answer, zivug rishon only applies when it is a first marriage for both of them.

b. It is possible that the zivug rishon in the Gemara dealing with the bas kol is different than zivug rishon in the Gemara dealing with divorce:

i. R. Menachem Meiri (c. 1249-1310) writes that when the Gemara discusses divorcing the zivug rishon, it is referring to someone who one married from a young age and remain married for many years.(Gittin 90a) It’s possible that it could be a second marriage for one of them and still be considered a zivug rishon.

ii. R. David HaLevi Segal (Taz c. 1586-1667) writes explicitly that zivug rishon in dealing with divorce doesn’t necessarily refer to the first person one married, but rather the person one was married to for a long time. (Even haEzer 119,5)

c. How does praying change who one will marry?

i. In the printed version of Rashi, praying will be effective if someone prays for one of the members of the couple to die. This fellow may pray to either marry her or let her die. If the original couple gets engaged on Chol Hamoed, the other fellow will stop praying for this. Alternatively, he may pray that the choson dies. (Moed Katan 18b)

ii. In a manuscript of Rashi’s writings (which is considered the authoritative version of Rashi on Moed Katan 18b), Rashi writes that through prayer, one can cancel the original declaration of the bas kol.

1. This is also the approach of Ritva (1250-1330), who adds that the merit of prayer can always cancel destiny through mazal. (Moed Katan 18b)

2. R. Menachem M. Schneersohn (1789-1866, the Third Chabad Rebbe) writes that these comments answer Tosafos’ question why the Gemara never introduces zivug rishon/ zivug sheni. While it’s true that the Gemara could have answered that someone can “steal” the zivug sheni and therefore, one can get engaged on Chol HaMoed, this answer explains why one can even marry a zivug rishon. It effectively says that for the concern of getting married on Chol HaMoed, there is no difference between zivug rishon and zivug sheni because the declaration of the bas kol can always change. (Tzemach Tzedek Moed Katan Chapter 3)

d. How does the concept of bashert work if we assume that there is free will to choose to marry a proper spouse?

i. Rambam (1138-1204) writes that it can’t be that who one is going to marry is pre-ordained because it is an issue relating to yiras shamayim and therefore subject to free will. (Shmoneh Perakim 8)

ii. R. Menachem Meiri is also sensitive to this question and suggests that in general, one will marry based on one’s actions and merits. However, if one gets married at a very young age and is not subject to schar v’onesh, then one will marry the person announced in the bas kol. (Sotah 2a)

1. R. Yehuda A.L. Alter (1847-1905) suggests that Meiri’s explanation can answer Tosafos’ question. By earning merits, one can change one’s zivug and therefore, one can get married on Chol HaMoed because there is a concern that either party may increase their merits and have the ability to marry someone else. (Sefes Emes Sotah 2a)

2. The Midrash quotes a dispute regarding the verse מה' יצא דבר. Where did it come from? R. Yehoshua bar Nechemiah said it came out of Har HaMoriah. Rabanan said it came from the verse (in that parsha 24:51) ותהי אשה לבן אדניך כאשר דבר ה'. (Bereshis Rabbah Siman 10)

3. R. Moshe Alshich (1508-1593) explains that the dispute is about which type of zivug Besuel and Eliezer were discussing. According to the first opinion, Yitzchak wasn’t destined to marry Rivkah and it was only because of his actions at Akeidas Yitzchak did he merit marrying her. According to Rabanan, he was always destined to marry her. (Bereshis 24,50)

iii. R. Shimon ben Tzemach (Tashbetz, 1361-1444) finds it difficult to say that there is a zivug rishon that is contingent on one’s mazal only if there are no merits or transgressions. How could it be that someone has neither? Rather, the idea is that a person has free will to marry whoever he pleases. Nevertheless, like all matters, if G-d doesn’t want something to happen, whether it is good or bad, it won’t happen. The person may have the best intentions to marry someone who will be the perfect wife for him, but she might not be interested, or the timing may not work out. Therefore, G-d has to approve every marriage and one will only marry someone who the bas kol announced, or the other party won’t be interested. This is why one may get married on Chol HaMoed, because through prayer, someone can change who the other party is interested in. (2,1)

III. The Role of Hishtadlus

a. If one’s spouse is pre-determined, either through bas kol or through one’s actions, does one have to put in any effort to find a spouse?

b. The Vilna Gaon (1720-1797) notes the verse in Tehillim that if G-d doesn’t want to build a house, the work of the builders is for naught. (Tehillim 127,1). The Gaon comments that this refers to the area of shidduchim and that all human intervention in shidduchim is for naught because everything is based on divine providence. (Yahel Ohr, Pekudei Heichel 6)

c. Other Acharonim stress the importance of hishtadlus to find a spouse:

i. R. Yehuda Chalavah (15th Century) writes that the process of finding a spouse is contingent on an individual's choice of what type of person he or she wants to marry and the effort put in to find that person. However, G-d ultimately determines whether those choices and efforts come to fruition. (Imrei Moshe Parshas Chayei Sarah)

ii. R. Eliezer Papo (1785-1828) writes that there are individuals who are not required to put in any effort in finding a spouse. However, we don't know who those people are and therefore, one must assume that he or she must put in full-fledged effort to find a spouse. (Peleg Yoetz, Erek Zivug)

d. If there is a requisite amount of hishtadlus, what is so special about the divine providence regarding shidduchim that is highlighted by the Gemara?

i. R. Chaim Shmulevitz (1902-1979) notes that Midrash that states that since the creation of the world, G-d has been occupied making shidduchim. R. Shmuelvitz suggests that what this means is that from our perspective, it is hard to see G-d’s hand in day to day life. One area where we can see it is in the area of shidduchim. No matter how hard people try, we can see that without siyata d’shmaya, there is no success. (Sichas Mussar, Maamer 35)

ii. R. Shlomo Zalman Auerbach (1910-1995) writes that the Vilna Gaon never meant that no effort is required. Rather he meant that less effort is required than usual. (Neimos Chaim, page 16)

1. One can add that the Vilna Gaon’s reference to the verse in Tehillim is telling in that the verse is saying that without G-d’s approval on a building that builders are wasting their time. It does not say that with G-d’s approval, the builders don’t have to build. Rather, their effort is necessary, but they also need approval from G-d.

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Parsha Pages | November 06, 2023