Chasunah Expenses
When it comes to marrying off children, many people are worried, "How will we manage to give so much money? The chasunah expenses and the dowry are so expensive!"
This problem has been around for generations. It has always been difficult to marry off children. But Hashem helps.
Once, a shidduch was almost finalized, but the girl’s father said he wouldn’t agree to the shidduch before the boy’s father promised four hundred liras to the couple as a dowry. The boy’s father wasn’t sure he could afford it. He spoke to Reb Chaim Brim zt’l and relayed all his fears. Reb Chaim Brim said, “Let’s ask the Chazon Ish together.” The father explained to the Chazon Ish that he is afraid he might not be able to keep this promise. The Chazon Ish zt’l replied, “We see that if one tries, Hashem helps.” The Chazon Ish asked for his name so that he could pray for him. The end of the story was that the father was able to pay up the entire sum without any hardships at all (Maaseh Ish, vol.2 p.160).
Once, two mechutanim came to the Chazon Ish zt’l. Each of them argued that the other one should pay the lion's share of their children’s upcoming chasunah. When they left, the Chazon Ish told his relative, Reb Shmaryahu Greineman zt’l, “Do you know what they were arguing about? They were debating who should receive Hashem’s brachos. Each one said the other one should receive Hashem’s brachos...” Because Hashem blesses and helps those who are obligated to pay for a chasunah.
A young man was engaged, and his future in-laws promised him a dowry. They kept their promise down to the last penny. His first Shabbos as a married man, in his in-laws’ home, he noticed something was wrong. The candlesticks were made from clay, and the beds were broken. In general, he saw signs of poverty in his in-laws' home. He asked his wife about it, and she explained that her parents sold all their utensils and went into debt to cover the dowry they promised.
He declared, “We can’t let matters stay this way.” On Motzei Shabbos, he returned the dowry and gifts. He couldn’t have his wife light Shabbos candles with silver candlesticks while his in-laws had clay ones. He couldn’t enjoy wealth while his in-laws were suffering poverty on his account.
On Sunday morning, he borrowed twenty thousand rubles from a friend. He used part of the money to buy utensils for his home, and he went to the market to see where he could invest the rest of the money. A wealthy merchant offered him a lucrative business opportunity for ten thousand rubles. He invested and became rich in a short time. Because of his wealth, when his children came of age, he made prestigious shidduchim. One of his mechutanim was Reb Shimon Sofer zt’l (son of the Chasam Sofer zt’l). At that wedding, in Krakow, a Rav asked him how he earned his wealth and how he merited this prestigious shidduch with Reb Shimon Sofer. He told him his story. He explained that he was willing to forgo his own pleasure and wealth so his in-laws wouldn’t suffer. And just as he did kindness with them, Hashem performed kindness to him, and he earned wealth...and wonderful shidduchim.
This story is brought down in Mishnas Yosef (Brachos 8.), who concludes, “It isn’t my way to write stories in this sefer, but this story has an important message that the wise can learn from. They should be cautious with the money and utensils of their fathers-in-law, and more importantly, they should be cautious with their father-in-law's heart. If you act kindly, you will receive many brachos from Above."
Lessons from the Chofetz Chaim
The Chofetz Chaim would tell people that he married a poor girl without a dowry, and in this merit, he was able to learn his entire life. His friend, who did a wealthy shidduch, went into business shortly after the wedding and lost all his money. "Had I married wealthy, it is likely that I too would be drawn to business..."
There was a bachur who was looking for a shidduch that promised him full support for five years. The Chofetz Chaim zt'l asked him, "How will you support yourself after the five years pass?" The bachur replied, "Hashem will help." The Chofetz Chaim asked him, "If you believe Hashem will help you, why don’t you believe that Hashem can help you the first five years, too?"
It states (Mishlei 15:27), יחיה מתנות שונא, those who despise gifts will live. The Tur (Choshen Mishpat 249) explains that it is a middas chassidus, a righteous approach, not to accept gifts from anyone. Instead, one should trust that Hashem will give him all his needs. For doing so, יחיה, he will live long.
The Prishah explains, "Usually, people desire presents because they think the gifts will grant life for them and their families. We tell them, יחיה מתנות שונא, hate gifts. Instead, have bitachon that Hashem will help you, and then Hashem will grant you life."
