The Gemara (Megillah 28.) states that people asked Reb Zeira in which merit he lived a long life. He replied, "I was never happy when my friend had a problem." This Gemara is difficult to understand since this quality doesn't seem to be so special at all. How could he have been happy when his fellow man had problems? If one feels happy with another’s problems, it is simply terrible middos!
Reb Yitzchak of Vorke zt'l (Siach Sarfei Kodesh) answers that Reb Zeira was saying that he wasn't happy with his own good fortune when he knew someone else was suffering. For example, if there was a simchah in his home, he couldn’t rejoice, knowing that his fellow man was suffering.
Rebbe Moshe Lelover's son became dangerously ill. Everyone poured out their hearts in tefillah, and his son recovered. The family was extremely happy. When Rebbe Moshe Lelover came home and saw the great joy, he rebuked them and said, "How can you be so happy? We have a neighbor whose son is extremely ill. How can we be happy when our neighbor is in distress?"
As a bachur, Reb Shneur Kotler zt'l was in Yerushalayim. Before returning to America for his chasunah, he said goodbye to his grandfather, Reb Isser Zalman Meltzer zt'l (Even Ha'Azel). Reb Isser Zalman gave him his brachos and walked his grandson out and down two steps. Someone asked Reb Isser Zalman why he didn't accompany his grandson down all the stairs. He replied, "The stairs I didn't descend are for the thousands who couldn't get married." His grandson was about to get married, the simchah was enormous, but he didn't allow himself to be fully happy when thousands didn't have the opportunity to get married. He was referring to the thousands of young children and teens who were killed in the Holocaust.
Rashi (Bereishis 21:6) writes on the pasuk לי יצחק השומע כל אלוקים לי עשה צחוק שרה ותאמר, that many salvations happened on the day Yitzchak was born. Many women were able to bear children, many ill people were healed that day, and there was a lot of joy in the world. We have to understand why this miracle occurred. Why did so many have their salvation on the day Yitzchak was born?
One answer is that due to their perfect middos, Avraham and Sarah couldn’t be happy with their miracle, knowing that others were in distress. They felt that they couldn’t rejoice with their salvation when there were barren women still waiting for children, ill people hoping for a cure, and so on. So, Hashem brought down many salvations on that day. This enabled Avraham and Sarah to be happy with their simchah – the birth of Yitzchak.
Feeling the Pain of Others
The Chazon Ish gives counsel on how a person can reach a level where he feels the pain and distress of others. He writes (Igros vol.1 123), "You lack the trait of feeling the pain of others. The counsel to attain it is by trying to help those who suffer tzaar. Your actions [to help them] will arouse your heart. You should also daven for those in tzaar, even if the tefillah isn't from your heart. And this is even when the people with tzaar are simple and not respected."
The Chazon Ish's final words tell us that we should feel the pain of others, even that of simple and ordinary people. We can prove this from the story of the Mabul. Rashi (Bereishis 7:7) teaches that Noach and his family were obligated to live with tzaar in the teivah because the world was in a state of distress. But who was having tzaar at that time? It was the resha'im of dor hamabul! Nevertheless, it would be wrong for Noach and his family to be happy and relaxed while others were suffering. From here we learn that we should feel the pain of others, even if they are on lower spiritual levels.
The Chofetz Chaim didn’t sleep on a pillow during World War One. He said that when Yidden are sleeping in bunkers, he cannot sleep with a cushion.
Just to clarify, many of the levels we discussed are beyond us, and we aren't expected to live that way. We aren't obligated to sleep without a pillow, to eat minimally, or not to be happy at one's own simchah. But the lesson is a reminder to try to help others in need and to feel their pain.
Yisro and Empathy
There is an opinion that Moshe sent Yisro back home before matan Torah. Yalkut Shimoni (Mishlei 950) explains that Yisro couldn't be at matan Torah because Yisro didn't suffer enslavement in Mitzrayim. As if to say, "If you didn't suffer with them, you don't deserve to rejoice with the great joy of matan Torah together with them."
Reb Boruch Mordechai Ezrachi zt'l explained that the problem wasn't that Yisro wasn't a slave in Mitzrayim like the Yidden were. The issue was that Yisro lived comfortably in Mitzrayim at a time when the Egyptians oppressed the Jewish nation. The complaint against Yisro was that he didn't feel the pain of the Jewish nation who were being tortured in his country. How could he live tranquilly in Mitzrayim when the Jews suffered so much? And since he didn’t participate in their sorrow, he wasn't worthy to partake in their joy.
