Guiding Gently (II)

AVOIDING EMBARRASSMENT

Yeravam ben Nevat merited his kingship over the Yidden because he rebuked Shlomo HaMelech. Nevertheless, he was punished for doing it in public.

The Shaloh understands the possuk in Mishlei, “Do not rebuke a fool for he might hate you; rebuke a wise person and he will love you,” as an instruction on how to rebuke. When rebuking another, do not call him a fool, by reminding him of his deficiencies, for then he will hate you and not listen to what you are telling him. Rather, relate to him as to a wise person, and explain him that his actions are not befitting for someone like him. This way, he will love you and listen to your rebuke.

The command, hocheiach tochiach, is universally translated as "You shall surely rebuke." The Rebbe once advised a rabbinic writer that he should use a more positive word – a verb indicating that the person offering admonishment is not focusing on his listener's faults, but on his good intentions.

(היום יום שע"י שיחות באנגלית הע' 925)

IN A PLEASANT MANNER

In the year תש"א (1941), the Frierdiker Rebbe sent Reb Sholom Ber Gordon to open a yeshiva in Newark, New Jersey. A few years later, Reb Sholom Ber was given the position of rov in a big shul, where he encountered a number of problems. The members of the shul did not observe Shabbos, and the president himself owned a movie theater that was open seven days a week. Reb Sholom Ber tried to influence these people by explaining the importance of Shabbos and stressed the severity of its desecration by listing the punishments involved.

He told the Rebbe of his difficulties, and the Rebbe answered, "You were born in Dokshitz, so you are familiar with a shvitz-bod' (sauna). In the shvitz, after pouring hot water on a person, they beat him with a leafy branch, and the person being hit pleads for more. Suppose you would take such a branch and hit this fellow in the middle of the street, he would scream at you angrily, but in the bathhouse, where he is warmed up, he is happy to receive such treatment. Similarly, in your shul, you first have to warm them up with stories, and then they will gladly accept the mussar."

(מפי אחיו הר"ר ישראל שי' גארדאן)

CONSIDER

How can one admonish by speaking positive words? Is the purpose of admonishment to influence the listener or to object wrongdoing?

For many years, the holy brothers Reb Elimelech of Lyzhansk and Reb Zusha of Hanipoli traveled through towns and villages across Europe to arouse Yidden to do teshuva. Whenever they arrived somewhere for the night, one of them would act as a sinner coming to the other, his Rebbe, asking for a tikkun. Within earshot of their host, the 'sinner' would list all the aveiros of which the host was guilty. Overhearing this confession, the host would remember that he too had committed such aveiros, and he would be aroused to do teshuva.

One night, the brothers arrived in the house of a certain Yid, and Reb Zusha began to beg his brother for a tikkun for his negligence. He had never had his tefillin checked until recently, and the sofer had found that there were no parshiyos inside. All his life, he had never put on real tefillin!

The host, overhearing the conversation, realized that he himself had never had his tefillin checked, so he checked them immediately. To his alarm, he found that they were empty! Sobbing, he begged his visitors to show him how to do teshuva. Reb Elimelech asked Reb Zusha to write their host a set of parshiyos, with the kavana that they draw down a great light, a light appropriate for a person who has never put on tefillin. Reb Zusha took klaf, quill and ink, wrote out the parshiyos required, placed them in their batim, and returned them to their owner. Many years later, these tefillin were found by the holy tzaddik, Reb Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev.

VOICING OPPOSITION

The Rebbe once explained that when distancing someone from actually committing an aveira (‘le'afrushei mei'isura’) the obligation to admonish is greater than usual, yet even then one should attempt to do so in a pleasant manner.

The Rebbe also points out that if remaining silent will be understood by others as approval, one must voice an objection, regardless of its possible results. This can be seen from the Torah's teaching to rebuke "even a hundred times", even though one had already tried ninety-nine times without success.

(סנהדרין ק"א) (של"ה פ' דברים דרך חיים) (ספורי חסידים זוין מועדים ע' 66) (תו"מ תשמ"ב ח"ד ע' 2126, לקוטי שיחות חכ"א ע' 405)