Rabbonim (Rabbis) are often called to be de facto marriage counselors and mediate matters between husband and wife. A certain couple in Israel had Shalom Bayis issues (marital discord) between them. Each spouse would criticize the other for some failing – real or exaggerated. The husband or wife would justify his or her criticism by saying, “I am just being honest.” This would typically prompt the other to say, “Well, once we are being honest, let me just mention that YOU always... And I, too, am just being honest.”
The Shalom Bayis issues escalated to the point where the couple approached a famous Rav to arrange for a Get (a divorce).
The Rav requested that before they get divorced, they first commit to follow his advice for the next thirty days. After obtaining their commitment, he made the following inquiry to each of them, “In each of your ‘honest’ assessments of each other, have you ever made an honest positive assessment of your spouse?”
The Rav’s question was met with silence.
“If not,” he continued, “this is not honesty, it is falsehood. For example, antisemitism in publishing is not always about publishing false information about Jewish people. It is also about an imbalance in what is published - where only negative stories about Jews are “fit to print”. When a newspaper publishes negative stories about Jews and never publishes any positive stories – this creates false impressions and constitutes a lie. When you ‘honestly’ criticize each other, without ever ‘honestly’ complementing each other, then you too are essentially lying. I know each of you well. You are remarkable people with many positive qualities and talents. My suggestion to you both is that for the next thirty days, to not to allow a criticism to leave your mouth until you have made two honest positive assessments and have allowed 24 hours to elapse before you express an honest criticism. If you find that your sole intent for the positive assessment was just so that you may make the honest negative assessment, then let another 24 hours elapse and once again express two more positive assessments.
After thirty days, the couple’s Shalom Bayis issues decreased significantly. They decided to continue this exercise for another thirty days, and then another, and then another. The Rav’s advice had worked, and the couple withdrew their request for a divorce.
Please note that in the above narrative, certain details have been altered for confidentiality purposes.
