Various Customs of Different Kehillos [Communities] in Klal Yisrael
Tallis: A widespread minhag Yisrael is that the kallah’s side sends the chosan a tallis. The Sdei Chemed (Ma’areches Chosan V’Kallah, ois 11) brings from the Yefeh Lev that minhag Ashkenaz is that the kallah sends a tallis to the chosan on the day of his chuppah. He writes that the reason for this is based on sod [deep mystical teachings].
The Yefeh Lev then brings the Magen Avraham (8:3) who writes that it’s implicit from the Gemara that a bochur doesn’t cover his head with a tallis and only once he gets married should he start covering his head with a tallis. Since the reason a chosan needs to wear a tallis, is because he got married, it is the kallah’s fault so to speak that he needs to do so, therefore, she should pay for it.
The Sdei Chemed also brings from the Sheilas Shalom (Tinyona, siman 87) that giving a tallis to the chosan is debt owed by the kallah’s father to the chosan in exchange for marrying his daughter. The Sheilas Shalom discusses if the chosan should make she’hechayanu or perhaps hatov ve’hamativ on his new tallis. He brings that hatov ve’hamativ is recited when there is a benefit for a number of people, and normally when one gives a present, the recipient recites hatov ve’hamativ as there is a benefit for both the giver and the taker. However, when the chosan is given a tallis, there is no benefit for the giver, as it is not a present, rather, it is being given as a debt.
The Pardes Yosef (Bereishis) suggests that the reason a kallah gives her chosan a tallis is to atone for the sin of the Eitz HaDa’as. Before the sin of the Eitz HaDa’as, there was no need to wear clothing and men and women were able to walk around unclothed. However, after the sin, men and women started to feel embarrassed and needed to start wearing clothing. To atone for the sin of Chavah, the kallah gives the chosan a tallis.
Kittel: The sefer Ohr LaShomayim (page 204), cites the minhag for the kallah to give the chosan a kittel before the chuppah. [It is logical that this is only relevant for those who have the minhag to wear a kittel under the chuppah.]
Sifrei Kodesh/Seforim: The Kuntros Mili Debai Hilula (Perek 5, ois 11) brings down the minhag to give the chosan seforim. Many people have this custom today, and the chosan receives a chosan Shas, and those that are lucky receive a set of Shulchan Aruch as well.
A Special Gift
Reb Yaakov Kaplan shlita (Luach Bnei Yaakov, 12th of Tamuz 5775) relates that the Tur (the son of the Rosh) was very poor, as is clear from the Tur (Orach Chaim beginning of 242) where he asked his father the Rosh if he could make his Shabbos like a weekday. Due to the extent of his poverty, he had nothing to give his wife on the occasion of the wedding, and in great sorrow he cried to Hashem about this, and he was granted the privilege of writing his sefer and he gave it to her as a gift.
Reb Aharon David shlita often tells over a story with Rabbi Aryeh Levin zt”l who was known to be very poor. On his wedding day, he told his wife that he had nothing that he was able to give her as a present, and even the clothes that he was wearing were borrowed on a short-term basis. All that he was able to give was himself and the fact that he would always give in to her. His kallah also gave back the same wedding gift, that she would always help him and give in to him.
The Takonah of the Lev Simcha, and Why Gifts Are Different
The Lev Simcha of Ger zt”l made takonas [enactments] for the sake of the public, that chasunah expenses must be within reason, and not too extravagant. However, there is one exception and that is the gifts that the chosan and kallah give to each other, for this there is no takonah (Neimos HaChaim, pg. 201).
The Admor of Ger shlita said in the name of his father (shmoozen, Chayei Sorah) that the reason for this is, that it is clear in the Torah by Eliezer and Rivka that extravagant gifts were given, and it’s clear from the Taz (Yoreh Deah 117:1, and Orach Chaim 588:5) that we can’t make enactments against things the Torah explicitly allows.
Sources and Explanations for Various Gifts
Perhaps a source for this is Eliezer Eved Avraham, who gave Rivka two bracelets each weighing ten shekolim of gold (Bereishis 24:22). Rashi explains the significance of the bracelets: שהשני צמידים הם רמז לשני לוחות מצומדות, ועשרה זהב משקלם רמז לעשרת הדברות שבהם – “The two bracelets are an allusion to the two Luchos, and each one weighing ten shekolim of gold is an allusion to the Aseres HaDibros on them.” The meforshim explain that the significance of this was, that Eliezer was coming to show that their lives would be founded on Torah. Perhaps for this same reason the kallah’s side gives to the chosan a set of seforim, as they are sending him a message that his marriage should be one built on the foundations of Torah.
Candlesticks: From the words of Reb Akiva Eiger it is clear that there was a minhag to give the chosan and kallah candlesticks to use for lighting Shabbos candles. Reb Akiva Eiger even allowed giving them to the chosan on Shabbos, if they hadn’t been used that Shabbos, as they are a keli shemelachtoi l’issur (כלי שמלאכתו לאיסור) which may be used letzorach gufo (לצורך גופו ) and the mitzvah of simchas chosan v’kallah is considered letzorach gufo. It is not clear from the words of Reb Akiva Eiger who is supposed to give them, however, today the minhag is that the chosan’s side gives them to the kallah.
We can explain this minhag based on another Reb Akiva Eiger (Mishnayos Shabbos 2:6) who brings in the name of the Tikkunei Zohar, that although the mitzvah of lighting candles was given to women, the men should prepare the candles. Perhaps this is the reason why his side also brings the candlesticks into the marriage.
Golden Watch: A widespread minhag Yisrael is that the chosan’s side sends the kallah a golden watch and likewise, the kallah’s side sends the chosan a golden watch. The reason for this writes the Vayaged Moshe in the name of the sefer Kol Yaakov, is so that they strengthen each other in regard to the war against the yetzer horah. A watch serves as a constant reminder of the day of death, as every moment that passes never returns and with every passing moment of time, one is getting closer to his day of death. Once one realizes this, then one will understand how time is golden and precious.
Perhaps we can add, that another reason why the kallah sends the chosan a watch is because she is educating him in the importance of being on time. And the reason the chosan sends the kallah a watch, is because he is educating her in the importance of every minute of Torah, and she must do her best not to cause any unnecessary bitul Torah.
Sewing Machine: In the sefer Yeshurun Melech (Vol. 1, pg. 164) there is a minhag brought down to give the kallah a sewing machine. The source for this is the pasuk (Bereishis 24:53): “And the servant brought out silver utensils and golden utensils” and in the Medrash (Bereishis Rabbah 60:11) it is clear that this was קונבי , which the Matnas Kehunah explains means a tool that women sew with. So, we see that Eliezer gave to Rivka sewing equipment. In light of this, we can understand the minhag of giving a sewing machine.
Coat: It is also brought down in the aforementioned sefer that there is a source for the kallah to give the chosan a coat. This is based on how Rashi explains the aforementioned Medrash of קונבי . Rashi explains that it refers to an אדרת עבה , which means a thick cloak/coat.
Jewelry: In line with the above, we can also bring a source from Eliezer for the minhag to give the kallah jewelry. The Rashbam explains that “silver utensils and golden utensils” refers to jewelry made of silver and gold.
Siddur: In Ashkenazi countries, giving a siddur was added to the above list, and in some places, this is the only present that is still given. (Yerushoseinu Vol. 5, pg. 274)
The Custom In Yemen
In the sefer Tofes Kesubah (HaRav Yitzchak Retzabi, Sha’ar 1, Tikkun HaKesubah, ois 13) it is brought down that the minhag in Yemen was for the chosan to send to his kallah in close proximity to the chasunah beautiful and expensive clothing and jewelry, and in some places they would send it with women who would beat drums as they were walking to deliver it.
