זִוּוּגוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם
וַיֹּאמֶר אַבְרָהָם אֶל־עַבְדּוֹ זְקַן בֵּיתוֹ הַמֹּשֵׁל בְּכָל־אֲשֶׁר־לוֹ... כִּי אֶל־אַרְצִי וְאֶל־מוֹלַדְתִּי תֵּלֵךְ וְלָקַחְתָּ אִשָּׁה לִבְנִי לְיִצְחָק: (כד ב-ד)
And Avraham said to his servant, the elder of his household who ruled over all that was his... go to my land and to my birthplace, and take a wife for my son, Yitzchak.
The Oath and Its Wisdom
This parshah is a wellspring of wisdom and guidance on the subject of shidduchim - what is essential, what is secondary, and how one ought to approach the entire undertaking. Its lessons, drawn from the life of Avraham Avinu, are as relevant and urgent today as they were when the events unfolded so long ago. Let us explore them one by one, in the light of the teachings of our great sages and rebbes.
The first lesson begins with Avraham himself. On instructing his servant Eliezer to search for a suitable match, Avraham Avinu bound him with a solemn oath: "I will make you swear by Hashem, G-d of Heaven and G-d of Earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of Canaan amongst whom I dwell."
Why was such an oath necessary? Rabbeinu Bachya explains (שם): Avraham feared he might die before Eliezer returned from his mission. And, while he knew that Yitzchak would obey his father's words without question, he also knew that, being a Canaanite, Eliezer - with all his wisdom and loyalty - may find ways to argue and persuade him otherwise. For, כְּנַעַן בְּיָדוֹ מֹאזְנֵי מִרְמָה - Canaan has in his hand deceitful scales (הושע יב ח), a verse which, as we shall see, the Midrash applies directly to Eliezer himself.
But here, a deeper question presents itself. Eliezer was no ordinary servant. The Midrash Rabbah tells us (נט ח) that the glow of his countenance resembled that of Avraham's - so closely did he reflect his master. The Gemara in Yoma (כח ע"ב) teaches that Eliezer sat in the beis midrash of Avraham and drew from his master's Torah, doling it out to others like a man who draws water from a deep well and brings it to those who thirst.
Yet for all this greatness - for all his mastery of his inclinations, for all his learning - Avraham would not rely on him without an oath. And the reason is a teaching that cuts to the heart of human nature: where a person has a personal interest, even the most elevated soul cannot be fully trusted.
As the Midrash reveals (נט ט), Eliezer had a daughter of his own, and in his heart, he quietly weighed whether she might be worthy of Yitzchak. Referring back to the aforementioned pasuk, the Midrash says: "'Canaan' - this is Eliezer; 'deceitful scales in his hand' - he sat and weighed whether his daughter was suitable." Avraham, sensing this in Eliezer's expressions, immediately cut this hope short, saying: "You are cursed, and my son is blessed - the cursed cannot cleave to the blessed." (Noach had cursed Canaan, Eliezer's nation).
This is the lesson, a teaching to all generations: in matters that touch one's own family and heart, the wisest among us must recognise the limits of our own objectivity. Even more so when it comes to shidduchim.
(רבינו בחיי פרשתן כד א)
The Primacy of Family Character
Rabbeinu Bachya continues to expound on the words of Avraham's oath - "You shall not take a wife for my son from the daughters of Canaan". A wife, he teaches, has the power to draw a man toward her; this is the nature of the bond. Shlomo Hamelech himself was, so to speak, drawn astray by his foreign wives, of whom the verse testifies: נָשָׁיו הִטּוּ אֶת לְבָבוֹ - His wives turned his heart (מלכים-א יא ד).
Rabbeinu Bachya then adds something remarkable. He tells us that in Klal Yisrael, a custom developed for the chassan to hear our parshah on the Shabbos preceding his wedding. (This remains a widespread Sephardic custom. Depending on the community, a separate Sefer Torah is taken out for this reading, or the passage is read from a Chumash immediately after Krias HaTorah.)
This is the message the community wishes to plant in the heart of the young groom at his life's most luminous moment: do not marry for beauty, for "Charm is false and beauty is vain" (משלי לא ל); do not marry for wealth, for wealth sprouts wings and flies away; do not marry for social advantage or the influence of powerful in-laws - for each of these will ultimately bring its own reckoning. There must be one overriding intention: leshem Shamayim - to build a home for the sake of Heaven. And there must be one true criterion: the character and middos of the family into which one is marrying. As Rabbeinu Bachya writes: "For children are naturally drawn towards the character traits of their mother's family, just as wine takes on the flavour of the vessel in which it has been kept."
The Kli Yakar's Distinction: Character and Belief
The Kli Yakar draws a subtle distinction from Avraham's choice of family for Yitzchak. Why did Avraham reject the daughters of Canaan, and yet send Eliezer to Lavan and Besuel - who were idolaters? Surely idol worship is no less a danger than the other sins of Canaan?
The answer, the Kli Yakar teaches, lies in understanding how character passes from parent to child. Traits rooted in the physical and material nature of a person - such as gluttony, licentiousness, cruelty, miserliness, jealousy - these are transmitted from generation to generation through the body itself. The Canaanites were shetufei zimah, flooded with physical transgression; their children would carry those same currents in their blood.
Avodah zarah, however, is different. Idolatry is a failing of the mind and intellect, a corruption of one's understanding of the Divine. And the intellect, like the neshamah itself, is not inherited from one's parents. It is bestowed afresh upon each child by the Ribono Shel Olam. Consequently, the failings of Lavan and Besuel in matters of belief would not necessarily become part of Rivkah's character. Where a family's middos are corrupted at their root, in the very fabric of their physical nature, one must be wary of the traits that may be passed on. But where the failing lies in belief alone, it is sufficient to distance oneself from that environment.
And this, the Kli Yakar adds, is precisely what Avraham arranged. Yitzchak would take a wife from Aram, but he would not go there to live. He would remain in Canaan, among people who resented him for having refused to marry into their families. This very hostility would ensure that he would not become entangled with them. At the same time, by remaining away from Aram, he would avoid sharing a home with Lavan and Besuel.
Thus, Avraham had accounted for every possibility. Yitzchak would be protected from the corrupting influence of both families, each in its own way. As the Kli Yakar concludes: "From whichever direction you turn, there is no concern".
(כלי יקר כד ג)
The Bond of Like to Like
Rabbeinu Bachya teaches yet another important principle in the laws of shidduchim (שם): a person should seek a spouse from within his own family, or at least from a family whose character and spiritual standing are compatible with his own. This is what Avraham did. He instructed Eliezer: "Go to my land and to my birthplace, and take a wife for my son, for Yitzchak". So too did Amram, of whom the Torah says: וַיֵּלֶךְ אִישׁ מִבֵּית לֵוִי וַיִּקַּח אֶת בַּת לֵוִי - A man from the house of Levi went and married a daughter of Levi (שמות ב:א). The underlying principle, Rabbeinu Bachya explains, is that when people are joined with those of their own kind, peace is established and increases in the world.
The Gemara in Pesachim (מט ע"א) expresses this idea through a beautiful parable: "Grapes of the vine with grapes of the vine - something beautiful and fitting." But when one side is worthy and the other is not, the match is likened to "grapes of the vine with fruit of the thornbush" - an ugly and unsuitable combination.
Rabbeinu Bachya takes this principle further: A person should marry leshem Shamayim, with the intention of building a home founded on Torah and good character. The good should cleave to the good, and those who are not good will inevitably find their match among those like themselves. People are naturally drawn towards those who resemble them. The good instinctively recoil from those whose character is corrupt. When such fundamentally different people are brought together, friction and strife are almost inevitable. True peace can exist only when each person is joined with someone of a similar nature and spiritual standing.
This, Rabbeinu Bachya explains, is the meaning of the verse: הֵיטִיבָה ה' לַטּוֹבִים וְלִישָׁרִים בְּלִבּוֹתָם - Do good, Hashem, to the good and to the upright in their hearts (תהילים קכה ד). The verse describes those who join together with the intention of building a home for the sake of Heaven as tovim and yesharim - good and upright. As a result, the verse continues, וְהַמַּטִּים עַקַלְקַלּוֹתָם יוֹלִיכֵם ה' אֶת פֹּעֲלֵי הָאָוֶן, שָׁלוֹם עַל יִשְׂרָאֵל - "Those who turn to crooked ways", will be destined to join with "the workers of iniquity". When the good unite with the upright, and those who have turned to crooked paths unite with those who practise evil, the result is: "Peace upon Yisrael".
The Test of Chessed
When Eliezer stood at the well, he made a silent tefillah and set a sign: the girl who would not merely give him water, but would offer to water his camels as well, אֹתָהּ הֹכַחְתָּ לְעַבְדְּךָ לְיִצְחָק - She it is whom You have designated for Your servant Yitzchak.
Rashi explains this with beautiful simplicity: "She would be fitting for him, for she bestows kindness, and is worthy of entering the home of Avraham." And from this, the Kli Yakar draws the most fundamental teaching of the entire episode: the first and most important point to be examined in a potential partner is the middah of chessed - of giving, of generosity, of the open heart and open hand.
To develop this idea, the Kli Yakar connects our parshah with the episode immediately preceding it: the story of Efron the Hittite. Efron was ra ayin, a man with a narrow eye and a closed hand, who charged Avraham for the Cave of Machpelah despite initially presenting it as a gift. The Kli Yakar sees significance in the juxtaposition of these two episodes. The Torah places the story of Efron alongside the story of Rivkah because they represent two opposite approaches to life. Efron embodies ayin ra'ah - an eye that looks at everything through the lens of what it can gain. Rivkah embodies ayin tovah - an eye that instinctively looks for opportunities to give.
The Kli Yakar then quotes a remarkable statement of the Gemara in Ta'anis (כד ע"א): כַּלָּה שֶׁעֵינֶיהָ יָפוֹת אֵין כָּל גּוּפָהּ צָרִיךְ בְּדִיקָה - A bride whose eyes are beautiful, the rest of her does not require examination.
At first glance, this is difficult to understand. Surely, Chazal are not suggesting that a person should choose a spouse on the basis of physical beauty! Moreover: factually, beautiful eyes do not necessarily indicate that the rest of a person's appearance is equally attractive.
The answer, explains the Kli Yakar, is that Chazal are not speaking about physical beauty at all. "Beautiful eyes" refers to an ayin tovah - a generous disposition and a goodness of spirit. If a person has beautiful eyes in this sense, if they look at the world and instinctively see where they can give, help and bring benefit to others, that reveals something about their entire character.
The Kli Yakar concludes: Midah zu binyan av al kol hamiddos - this quality is a foundational trait, from which so many other good qualities flow. A person whose instinct is to give will naturally exhibit kindness, compassion, sensitivity and generosity in countless other areas of life.
(כלי יקר כד יד)
A Match is Made in Heaven
When Eliezer had finished recounting his journey - his tefillah at the well, the sign he had requested, and the remarkable appearance of Rivkah - Lavan and Besuel responded with words that have echoed through the generations: מֵה' יָצָא הַדָּבָר לֹא נוּכַל דַּבֵּר אֵלֶיךָ רַע אוֹ טוֹב - This matter has come from Hashem; we can say nothing to you, either good or bad (בראשית כד נ).
Here lies the foundation beneath all the effort involved in finding a shidduch: ultimately, every zivug is decreed in Heaven. The Gemara in Sotah (ב ע"א) teaches that forty days before a child is formed, a Heavenly voice proclaims: בַּת פְּלוֹנִי לִפְלוֹנִי - The daughter of so-and-so is destined for so-and-so. Shlomo Hamelech expresses the same idea in Mishlei (יט יד): בַּיִת וָהוֹן נַחֲלַת אָבוֹת וּמֵה' אִשָּׁה מַשְׂכָּלֶת - A house and wealth are inherited from one's fathers, but a discerning wife comes from Hashem. Material possessions may be passed down from one generation to the next, but the gift of a truly worthy partner comes from Hashem Himself.
The Midrash Tehillim (נט) draws attention to something remarkable: Hashem attached His Name to the matter of zivug in three places - in the Torah, in Nevi'im and in Kesuvim. In the Torah, we read, מֵה' יָצָא הַדָּבָר - This matter has come from Hashem. In Nevi'im (regarding the marriage choices of Shimshon), we find, כִּי מֵה' הִיא - For it is from Hashem (שופטים יד ד). And in Kesuvim, we read, וּמֵה' אִשָּׁה מַשְׂכָּלֶת - A discerning wife comes from Hashem.
The message is unmistakable: although we must make every effort to seek, investigate and pursue a suitable match, we must never lose sight of where the ultimate decision rests. A zivug is not the product of human effort or calculation. It is a gift from Heaven, arranged by the One who knows precisely which two souls are destined to build a home together.
The Greatest Hishtadlus of All
And so, we arrive at perhaps the most important lesson of all: the greatest thing a person can do when seeking a shidduch is to turn to Hashem in heartfelt supplication, asking for siyata di'Shmaya to merit finding the right match with ease.
This is precisely what Avraham Avinu taught us through his efforts to find a shidduch for his beloved son Yitzchak. The Chasam Sofer paints a remarkable picture. Avraham was nesi ha'aretz, a prince among the people of his generation, almost a king in their eyes. All the great figures of the time came to him - Avimelech, Shem and Ever. His wealth and possessions were immense, for "Hashem had blessed Avraham with everything." He had an only son, to whom he had given the very best of his wisdom and spiritual greatness. And Yitzchak himself - who could compare to him?
Yet, the Chasam Sofer asks us to consider: "How many bows, how many prostrations in trembling before Hashem, and how many heartfelt prayers and supplications did Avraham Avinu pour out for a fitting shidduch for his only son!"
Why was this matter so important? The Chasam Sofer explains: "For the very essence of serving Hashem, and indeed all matters of worldly life, depend upon one's wife, as every discerning and understanding person knows." The home a person builds with his life partner is the foundation upon which everything else rests. One's Torah, one's avodah, one's entire spiritual life - and even the broader matters of one's worldly existence - are profoundly shaped by the person with whom one shares that home. Finding the correct one is not something that comes easily.
(תורת משה פרשתן ד"ה מוסר)
This is the powerful message Avraham Avinu leaves us: when it comes to finding the right shidduch, no amount of effort should replace heartfelt tefillah, and no amount of tefillah should be considered superfluous. We must do our part, but above all, we must beseech the Ribono Shel Olam for His help and guidance. For the person with whom one builds a home will shape not only one's personal life, but one's entire avodas Hashem and the generations that follow. As Avraham Avinu demonstrated, such a precious undertaking deserves our deepest tefillos and our most heartfelt pleas for siyata di'Shmaya.
May Hashem - who decreed the match before the child was formed, who inscribed His Name upon the concept of shidduchim in Torah, Nevi'im, and Kesuvim - hear the tefillos of all those who search, and of all the parents and grandparents who search alongside them. May He bring each nefesh its true zivug with ease and with joy, bemheirah b'yameinu, amen.
אַ גוּט שַׁבָּת
