Question: Dear Rabbi Mandel, Hashem should bless you and your family with abundant health and happiness in all you do. Thank you for taking the time to answer my query. I would like to consult regarding the following. My 3-year-old son started kindergarten recently. I waited until he was three to send him out because it was equally hard for me and him to separate. It was extremely hard in the beginning for him, he absolutely refused to go, and finally after 2-3 months he starts to enjoy it and participate in the activities. He is a very sensitive soul, and he would still prefer be at home rather than to go to the kindergarten.
Now comes the query. He refuses to eat and drink while he is there (3 1/2 hours attendance). Not even if I give something along. Not even a sip of water. When I ask him why, he just says he will only eat and drink when I pick him up (I bring milk and sandwiches with me which he eats when I pick him up). We tried everything, and sometimes he is so weak when I pick him up. I can't take this anymore; I really don't know what to do (the weakness resolves once he eats and drinks what I bring). The kindergarten is a lovely place. The caregivers are very nice, good Jewish women, and the children are very sweet. It is a good kindergarten, but I am so worried for summer to arrive and I don't want him to collapse, Chas V'shalom. Does the Rabbi have any experience or words of wisdom for the worried parents?
Answer: Now look. This boy is pampered. You're too involved in that little schnook! He's God! He's not a human! You love him so much; it’s not healthy! I know the happiest families where you have a mother who barely looks at the kids. Some of those turn out the best, because they're not so involved. Now, it’s hard for you to change because you love those kids, but this is WAY overboard and it’s not healthy. A kid has to be independent. It would be a good idea if you wouldn’t be so nice all the time. Be a little uncaring! Don’t offer him such a wonderful lovely home. It’s not healthy!
There was a person in the Romanian army who came from a home like that. He refused to be a soldier, because he didn’t have his “this”, he didn’t have his “that”, until they “killed” him in the army (they almost shot him) and he learned how to adjust… Your boy needs a real world! When the home offers such an abundance of pampering, it’s not healthy. It’s extreme! You need to have another side to you. Don’t be so nice to him. Be a little not so perfect. It’s better for him.
He's becoming addicted to you and he needs you WAY too much. There is a story in Tanach about Yeho’ash Melech Yehuda who remained a Tzaddik as long as his Rebbe, Yehoyada, the Cohen Gadol was still alive. But as soon as his Rebbe was Niftar, he lost his Madrega and went sour. The Malbim explains that his Rebbe taught him not to be independent. “While you're with me, then you are a Tzadik. As soon as you leave me, you become a Rasha” (Yeho’ash thought he was a god, it was a whole problem with him). Teach him how to be good without you!
R' Meir Feist Zatzal was a cripple, yet he was very successful in business and in everything. Do you know why? Because his mother knew “He's going to be attached to me forever; he’ll never learn how to do anything”; so she was very tough on him. She pushed him out of the house. “Go, earn a living yourself!” and that’s exactly what he did! He became an independent person. He made a nice living, he gave Tzedaka, he became a Talmid Chochom, he sat and learned, etc. He was a big success because his mother was tough. The Shelah says a Remez: יְדֵי נָשִׁים רַחֲמָנִיּוֹת בִּשְּׁלוּ יַלְדֵיהֶן (איכה ד י): compassionate mothers cooked their children (as a result of their compassion). They cooked their kids!
You're too warm, you're too loving. It’s too much. Cut it out! Be a little nasty. I know a story of two sisters, nice ladies. One, was a world-famous Tzadekes. Her kids were rotten, because she would say (in a sugar-sweet voice) “Hello, could I give you this…” She was too much! The other one, her kids were nice and normal and Geshmak, because the mother was normal (she’d give a smack once in a while, she wasn’t always there for them). Cry a little bit. So what? It’s going to kill you??
You have to de-spoil that kid. Hatzlacha Rabba. Be Mispallel, because you have a Midda to work with. You are a super-nice person, and it’s hard for you to be a little mean. You have to be Mispallel that you should to do it right. Get someone to help you do this properly. A therapist, a Rov; somebody to help you make the transition from overly warm and loving to NORMAL. Don’t be the BEST mother. Be a MEDIUM mother. And your son doesn’t have to be the BEST kid. Let him be angry sometimes. Let him not get what he wants. That’s perfect for him.
