The Talmud recounts that Rabbi Chiya’s wife would constantly aggravate him. Nevertheless, whenever Rabbi Chiyah came across a delicacy, he would wrap some of it in his shawl and bring it home for his wife. When his nephew (Rav) asked him why he was so nice to his wife, who treated him so poorly, he explained that he appreciates what she does for him – that she protects him from sin and brings up their children in the Torah path.
Rabbi Moshe Cordovero (Tomer Devorah, Chapter 1) learns from this story that one must always consider the good that others do for them and show appreciation for it, even if those same people are sometimes inconsiderate and unkind.
The Ben Ish Chai (in Ben Yehoyadah) points out that Rabbi Chiya would wrap the delicacies in his shawl (sudar), which was the unique shawl worn by Torah scholars. He did this in order to allude to his wife that she had a share in all of his Torah learning through the assistance that she gave him, despite the fact that she would also aggravate him.
How to Cut Off a Tongue
The following story is told about Rabbi Shmuel HaNaggid, the Jewish leader and advisor to Badis, King of the Berbers in Spain. There was a certain gentile who was jealous of Rabbi Shmuel HaNaggid and would always curse him when he saw him. Once, Rabbi Shmuel HaNaggid was walking with the king. When the man saw him passing his shop, he came out and began cursing Rabbi Shmuel HaNaggid. Seeing how his advisor was being publicly shamed, the king instructed Shmuel HaNaggid to have the man’s tongue cut off.
Rabbi Shmuel HaNaggid looked into the matter and found out that this man was very poor. So he began sending him a weekly stipend to better his financial lot. Sometime later, the king was walking with Rabbi Shmuel again. When they passed this man’s shop, he came out and began heaping blessings on Rabbi Shmuel. The king said to Rabbi Shmuel, “Didn’t I tell you to have his tongue cut out?” Rabbi Shmuel replied, “That’s exactly what I did. I cut out the tongue that uttered curses and replaced it with a tongue that utters blessings.”
This lesson can be applied to one’s marriage and relationships. The best way to turn a negative relationship into a positive one is by going out of one’s way to help and do favors for the other person.
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