Jokes
No License
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, "Does your dog have a license?"
"No," the man said, "He doesn't need one."
"Yes, he does," answered the officer.
"But," said the driver, "I always do all the driving."
A Jewish Success Story
A young man asked Morris, an old wealthy man, how he made his money. Morris took off his glasses and said, "Well, son, it was 1932 during the heart of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. So I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated the sum of $1.60... Then my wife's uncle Bernie died and left us two million dollars."
A Long Way Up
Berel, Schmerel & Chaim Yankel went on a trip together & they decided to splurge on a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of sightseeing, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Berel said to Schmerel & Chaim Yankel, "Let's break the monotony by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Schmerel can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Chaim Yankel can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Berel stopped telling jokes & Schmerel began to sing. At the 51st floor Schmerel stopped singing & Chaim Yankel began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car..."
Made Redundant
A friend of mine was getting to know his new co-workers when one of them asked why he left his old job. “It was something my boss said,” my friend replied. “What did your boss say?” the co-worker asked. “You’re fired.”
A Needle in a Haystack
Dave Shiffman was playing basketball in his driveway with some of his friends after school when suddenly he lost his contact lens. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside, and in a few minutes, she returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" Dave asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," Mrs. Shiffman replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Empty Apology
My boss, on Friday: “This is the fifth day in a row that you’ve been late.” Me: “Well, I can promise it won’t happen tomorrow.”
Brain Teasers
- Question: You have a 3-liter jug and a 5-liter jug. How can you measure exactly 4 liters of water using these two jugs?
- Answer: Fill the 5-liter jug. Pour water from the 5-liter jug into the 3-liter jug until the 3-liter jug is full. This leaves you with exactly 2 liters in the 5-liter jug. Empty the 3-liter jug. Pour the 2 liters from the 5-liter jug into the 3-liter jug. Fill the 5-liter jug again. Pour water from the 5-liter jug into the 3-liter jug until the 3-liter jug is full. Since there are already 2 liters in the 3-liter jug, you can only add 1 more liter. This leaves you with exactly 4 liters in the 5-liter jug.
- Question: A man is looking at a picture of someone. His friend asks, 'Who is it you are looking at?' The man replies, 'Brothers and sisters, I have none. But that man's father is my father's son.' Who is in the picture?
- Answer: The man in the picture is his son.
- Question: What comes next in the sequence? 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, ___
- Answer: 21 (The sequence is the Fibonacci sequence: each number is the sum of the two preceding ones).