The Ba’al Emunah Doesn’t Blame Anyone for His Humiliation
The Attitude of the Ba’al Bitachon After His Secret Is Revealed
Previously, we learned the yesod of the Chovos HaLevavos that some people have secrets that they very much do not wish to be revealed, because it would be humiliating to them. But the ba’al bitachon knows that no one can harm him! Sure, he does the reasonable hishtadlus not to incur embarrassment, and he tries not to discuss his secrets publicly, but he doesn’t live with overwhelming fear and stress. He lives a normal, tranquil life.
And if his secret is revealed, and he does find himself in an embarrassing situation, he nevertheless knows and trusts that it could not have happened if not for the Ribbono shel Olam! Therefore, he thanks Hashem, because he knows that this embarrassment was good for him. The ba’al bitachon doesn’t begin with calculations as to why and how it happened, and regarding who told what to whom. He is not angry at anyone, because he knows that it was all from Hashem.
I Am Solely Responsible for My Pain
An incredible teaching in the Sefer Chassidim (183) relates the following incident:
There was a person who caused pain to a talmid chacham, and people came to the tzaddik and said, “How great are the sins of this person who caused you pain through no sins of yours.” But the chacham responded, “No, the pain is due to my sins. It has nothing to do with that person.”
Then the people told the chacham to curse and punish this man, but the chacham responded, “If I am to curse the one who caused me pain, I should be cursing and punishing myself! Because if not for my sins, this pain could never have happened!”
Every Difficulty Is Because of Our Aveiros
The Sefer Chassidim continues: This is what Yehudah meant when he said (after the goblets were found in the sack of Binyamin), האלוקים מצא את עון עבדיך, Hashem has revealed the sins of your servants (Bereishis 44:16). Yehudah knew that the goblet had been placed there by someone. But he also understood that whoever it was could never have done so with Hashem observing their sins and ordaining this pain!
“Hashem Told Him to Curse Me”
The same thing, says the Sefer Chassidim, transpired when Shimi ben Geira cursed David HaMelech, and David told his people, “Let him curse me, because Hashem told him to do so [due to my sins]” (Shmuel II 16:11.) Therefore, the Sefer Chassidim concludes, how can man complain....
David HaMelech accepted Shimi ben Geira’s curses with a complete heart, because he knew that everything stems from his sins, not from anyone else—despite the fact that Shimi caused him pain in his most vulnerable moment, when he was escaping the wrath of his own son, Avshalom. David was fleeing in intense fear from his son who sought to murder him—and in those moments, Shimi ben Geira cursed him in public and threw stones at him. But what did he say? “Leave him to curse me, because this is what Hashem decreed.”
The Incredible Humiliation of David HaMelech
The sefer Reishis Chachmah (Sha’ar HaTeshuvah 3) brings the incredible words of the Zohar HaKadosh regarding the excruciating pain that David HaMelech incurred at the hands of Shimi ben Geira:
What Shimi did to David HaMelech on that day was worse than any tribulations he had endured in his entire life until that time—and David did not answer one word in response to him, because he knew that he deserved it, and with this his debt would be repaid.”
David HaMelech Merits Complete Teshuvah
The Zohar HaKadosh asks, “How, indeed, can it be that Shimi—who was a talmid chacham, and possessed great wisdom—would do such a thing to David HaMelech?” The Zohar HaKadosh answers, “It came from another place... from Shamayim this idea was placed into his heart—and it was all for the benefit of David HaMelech. Because what Shimi ben Geira did to him caused him to do complete teshuvah, for his heart to become broken with a great brokenness, and for him to shed many tears from the depths of his heart to HaKadosh Baruch Hu.
“And this is why he said, ‘Leave him, for Hashem told him to curse’—because he knew that the instructions came from a very High Place.”
Focus on the True Source of the Pain: Do Teshuvah
These incredible words from the Zohar HaKadosh serve as a מוסר השכל to every Yid. David HaMelech believed wholeheartedly that were he in the proper state, this pain would never have happened. If so, what must one do when pain comes? Ignore all the surrounding anger and frustration and resentment towards whoever did it to him, and simply do teshuvah!
David HaMelech teaches us: What do I need to do when someone embarrasses me? Remember that this is a calculated cheshbon from Shamayim. This comes directly from HaKadosh Baruch Hu, Who is being good to me! If I want things to ease up, there is one thing that I can do: teshuvah! Hashem is purifying me through this pain, and I thank Him for this! I will do teshuvah, and I will improve my ways!
It’s All for My Good
These are the same words we saw in the Sefer Chassidim above. When the chacham encountered pain and embarrassment, he said that if he were to punish and curse the one who did it to him, he would have to punish himself. He understood that the source of the pain is the aveiros of the person himself—not the one who acted against him.
This is why David HaMelech was able to accept the curses of Shimi ben Geira upon himself with such emunah—because “Hashem told him to curse!” —and this brought him to such complete teshuvah, which no other tzara had ever brought him to do. He accepted the deep public humiliation, knowing that it was Hashem Who sent these yissurim... because if it weren’t 100 percent bashert from Above, it could not have happened.
When a Yid lives with such an attitude, he lives with tremendous tranquility always. He has no problem with embarrassment and with secrets—because he knows with clarity that if it is bashert for his secret to be revealed, it is certainly for his good.
The Heavenly Gift of Embarrassment
It Will Pass...
Rav Chaim Brim, a great Rosh Yeshivah and tzaddik of Yerushalayim, related that as a chassan he wanted to honor his rebbi, Rav Isser Zalman Meltzer, with siddur kiddushin at his wedding. His future father-in-law, on the other hand, wished to give this honor to another sage of Old Yerushalayim, Rav Yosef Tzvi Dushinsky.
He came to his rebbi and said that although he wanted to give him this kavod, he was unable to do so. Said Rav Isser Zalman, “I will nevertheless come to the chuppah, even without receiving siddur kiddushin.” One of the talmidim present objected, saying that it would be an insult if the chassan’s rebbi were present and did not receive this honor.
To this, Rav Isser Zalman responded, “If you mean kavod...who needs kavod? If you mean that I will be embarrassed; embarrassment passes quickly....”
It Is a Heavenly Gift
This is the attitude of an ehrliche Yid. What’s the worst that can happen? I will be a little embarrassed? Nu, it will pass....
People tend to live with so much stress and anxiety, fearing that others will become aware of their secrets, and then, potentially, they will be embarrassed. First of all, you won’t necessarily suffer embarrassment. But even if your worry is well-founded, and you will possibly be embarrassed, a Yid must decide: What will happen if the bizyonos will come?
It is, after all, a gift from Shamayim. If the Ribbono shel Olam decided that this is bashert for me, then nothing bad will happen. At most, it will be a good כפרת עוונות, forgiveness of my aveiros.”
The Best Teshuvah Is to Endure Embarrassment
At the end of the sefer Beis Aharon, in the Likkutim, he quotes the words of the sefer Kol Bochim, from the mekubal Rabbi Avraham Galanti, on the pasuk, יִתֵּ ן לְמַכֵּהוּ לֶחִי יִשְׂבַּע בְּחֶרְ פָּה— he will give his cheek to the one who strikes him, he will become sated from humiliation (Eichah 3:30).
My Rebbi, the Ramak, would say, “The greatest teshuvah to wipe away sins is to suffer embarrassment.... If a person has aveiros, he must ideally endure fasting and penances, which may cause bittul Torah. One who suffers humiliation can eat and drink to his heart’s delight, and his sins will be wiped away.” It is the easiest path for כפרת עוונות, easier and preferable to any other method of wiping away sins.
The Serenity of Knowing That It Is for Our Good
When we learn such incredible words, we internalize and understand that it is not all that terrible; it is for our good. If it so happens that people will look at me differently, and I will be a little embarrassed, this, too, is for the good.
Of course, no one is looking for embarrassment. We are human, after all. But the overwhelming stress and worry, and our working so hard to harbor secrets, will evaporate. We know that if the secret does come out, it is a gift from Above.
A Yid who remembers this constantly can live with serenity and tranquility. He need not walk around with the fear of שמא יתגלה סודו, perhaps my secret will come out.
Created by Hashem: There’s No Shame in Our Flaws
“On Condition That You Will Embarrass Me”
It is told that the Noda B’Yehudah had a son-in-law who was called “Yosef HaTzaddik.” The reason for this designation is that his Rebbetzin, the daughter of the Noda B’Yehudah, would constantly hurl insults at him. At his levayah, the Rebbetzin cried bitterly, and it aroused wonder, given her behavior towards her husband for all their married life.
Until the Rebbetzin revealed their secret. “On our wedding day, my husband made me promise that whenever we find ourselves among people, and he will potentially come to ga’avah, I will embarrass him publicly. This was the reason that I humiliated him for all these years!”
Tzaddikim explained that the Rebbetzin was on an even higher level than her husband was. For at least her husband was regarded as a victim, but she was seen as a villain all her life for causing him embarrassment. She was nevertheless ready to accept this upon herself for the avodah of her illustrious husband!
Every Humiliation Is for the Good
In any case, the ba’al bitachon has no fear שמא יתגלה סודו, perhaps his secret will be revealed, because he knows that no one can cause him harm. He cannot derive any harm from the revelation, and if something does happen, it is all from Above. Calm down! The Ribbono shel Olam did this out of His Goodness to us. Even if a person does suffer great humiliation, it is the greatest gift from Above.
Every Flaw Carries a Great Mission and Charge
There is another reason the ba’al bitachon doesn’t feel much shame when his flaws are revealed; it is because the ba’al bitachon understands that every situation that he encounters and every flaw that he possesses contains a special mission from the Ribbono shel Olam. If so, why would he be ashamed of his unique mission on This World to serve Hashem with, and through, this flaw?
The ba’al bitachon looks at his flaws and says, “Why is this even embarrassing? The Ribbono shel Olam gives every person his nisyonos, his tests. One person endures such a test, and another person lives with another test—and if I have this particular test in life, there is no reason for me to be embarrassed by it!”
There’s Nothing More Whole Than My Flaw
Just as we know “there’s nothing as whole as a broken heart,” the same applies to all our flaws in This World. Every flaw has an ultimate mission of sheleimus, completeness. If the Ribbono shel Olam Created you with this flaw, then there is nothing completer and more whole that what appears to be broken within you. Thus, why should you be embarrassed by it?
When Shame and Embarrassment Are Necessary
Of course, there are instances where a person should be very embarrassed. For example, if a person is involved in machlokes, and he hides it because he doesn’t want others to know about his behavior. In such a case, it is better to channel his energies to bring an end to the machlokes rather than to do everything in his power to hide it.
This is akin to a person who has a rotten piece of meat in his home, and he invests untold energy into masking the stench. As the smell grows worse, he invests more and more into concealing the smell... so no one should know that there is a stench here. Reb Yid, take the rotten meat out of your home, and you won’t have that problem!
Free Yourself from Unwarranted Fears
A person must simply make a cheshbon and analyze his situation: Why is he so afraid for his secrets to be revealed? When he properly understands the motivations behind his fear, he will see that he is not justified in invested so much energy and fear into שמא יתגלה סודו, perhaps my secret will be revealed.
When a person lives with this cheshbon, he is so much more serene and tranquil. Then he will see that after he has freed himself of his fears, he is able to learn and daven with much more peace of mind—because he has channeled the energies that were previously invested into hiding his secret into the correct actions in life.
Shlomo HaMelech, the wisest man who ever lived, taught us, עָ שָׂ ה אֶת הָאָדָ ם יָשָׁר הָאֱלֹקִ ים, Hashem Created man straight... in a state where he can serve Hashem properly. However, וְהֵמָּה בִקְ וּשׁ חִשְּׁבֹנוֹת רַ בִּים, they sought many calculations... (Koheles 7:29); people sometimes channel that energy to the wrong places.
Says the Chovos HaLevavos, this stems from a lack of emunah and bitachon.
If we will return to the way we were originally created—being at peace with the way we were created by our Creator—we will be able to grow in our avodas Hashem with peace of mind. It’s indeed lots of work, but if we only begin, we will merit to see much siyatta diShmaya.
