Two Reasons Why People Accept Their Situation
We know that a Yid must allow himself to be led from Above, and he must believe that the situation that the Ribbono shel Olam has ordained for him is the very best for him. We must accept our circumstances with love, not “fight” our situation.
But how can we know if our acceptance of our situation is motivated by a true sense of emunah and bitachon, or if it is only because of simple life experience? This person has been through life, and he has learned that it simply doesn’t pay to fight things. It’s best to accept the situation and move on with life. This doesn’t mean that he is accepting it because this is what the Ribbono shel Olam wants for him.
Being Smart, Not Right
An example of acceptance that stems from life experience is when a boss decides that he has had enough of one of his employees and wants get rid of him. The boss begins nitpicking everything the worker does, constantly criticizing him and his work, and threatening to deduct from his wages.
If this employee isn’t smart, he becomes defensive and he begins fighting his boss on everything he tells him. He will convince his boss that he’s wrong about him.
But a smart friend will tell him: “Do you want to be smart or do you want to be right? The smart thing to do is to take your severance pay and find new work. It makes no sense to remain in such a harsh work environment or to stay where we aren’t wanted. Be smart; leave with your dignity intact.”
This friend spoke the language of wisdom. He has had life experience, and this is what he has learned. He has learned that it doesn’t pay to fight in life, and that we must go as circumstances dictate. But this has nothing to do with the middah of bitachon in the Ribbono shel Olam. It’s simple common sense.
It Doesn’t Pay to Worry
Another example is when a parent invests great toil into the chinuch of his children, but one of them doesn’t turn out as he would have wished. The father had a certain image in his mind of the way he wished his child to be, and to his chagrin, it didn’t happen. Sometimes, this brings a little aggravation, and sometimes it causes lots of aggravation.
Now, this person can decide if he wishes to be miserable and destroy his life over this. He can choose to become aggravated and eat himself alive until his hair turns white, and he will eventually need to take blood pressure medication. But a wise friend will advise him to calm down, and not to take it with so much angst. “Your son may not have become a Rosh Yeshivah, but you don’t need to lose your life over it,” he counsels. “You have wonderful children. You have a life ahead of you. Let it go. Don’t fight reality!”
Based on Bitachon
This friend’s advice as well isn’t based on bitachon but on generalized reason and wisdom. Anyone with even a little bit of life experience will understand that we’re more successful and happy if we accept situations. We can’t fight reality—because reality is much stronger than we are. But this has nothing to do with bitachon; it’s a logical conclusion.
And so, the question is: If everyone understands that we must “get along” with reality, and that it doesn’t pay to fight it, how can we do it with the right motivation of bitachon? If we simply accept reality out of logic and experience, we haven’t utilized the opportunity to fulfill the great mitzvah of emunah and bitachon, which are the root of all mitzvos in the Torah. How can we indeed approach this important area of life with the proper thoughts of emunah in Hashem?
Understanding the Difference
To answer this question, we must first analyze the two paths (life wisdom vs. emunah and bitachon). If we are to choose the path of the mitzvah of bitachon, we must first understand the two paths in a deep way, and we will then be able to ask ourselves whether our motivation truly comes from bitachon.
This is very important, because the results will always be more successful for those who follow the path of bitachon.
The Practical Approach of “Life Experience”
Using Your Intelligence
The definition of “life wisdom” is when a person follows his own logic and wisdom. He understands that this situation calls for the following reaction. Not because he has seen it in a sefer, and not because he was given great revelations from Above—but simply because this appears to him to be the right thing to do at this moment. He tries his best to remove his personal biases—because he understands that these may get in the way of seeing things properly— and focus on finding the right path. He discusses matters with wise people, and he does what he thinks is right.
We must know that this, too, is the ratzon Hashem. The Ribbono shel Olam wants us to conduct ourselves with wisdom, and to use wisdom and experience to find a straight path to follow. We see so many references in Mishlei and Koheles to the “wise person” and to the “fool” who behaves impulsively and irrationally. This is considered wrong, because the Ribbono shel Olam expressly does want us to think before we act. Even if one doesn’t know exactly what the Torah wants from us in any given situation, the least he should do is to use his הישר שכל to do what seems right.
It’s not for naught that Shlomo HaMelech referred to the one who behaves impulsively and without thinking with the words אוויל and כסיל, because it truly is foolish and wrong. A person is obligated to follow the path of wisdom, and the more he sidelines his own biases, the more his wisdom becomes aligned with the wisdom of the Torah.
Torah Is the Root of All Wisdom
The reason Hashem wants us to employ our own wisdom is because all rational thought is really based in the Torah. The entire world was created with the Torah as its blueprint, and the entire creation follows the wisdom of the Torah. Therefore, if conventional wisdom dictates that we take certain actions, it means that this is rooted in the wisdom of the Torah.
If a person finds himself in a business dilemma or having a medical problem or any other crossroads, he asks the advice of people with experience in that field. What do these people tell him? They share what average people tend to do in this situation. They have 30-40 years of experience in this field, and they know the wise course of action in this case. Since we know that the entire world was created and is guided by the Torah, everything that a person does that follows the wisdom of the world is essentially the wisdom of the Torah.
You may not know precisely where in the Torah this is stated, and the expert who shares the wisdom with you may not know either, but when he shares with you the conventional wisdom, he is essentially sharing with you the Torah’s wisdom.
If We Conduct Ourselves Properly, We’re Following the Torah
A person who understands how to plant trees and plants is tapping into the התורה חכמת—because there’s surely a Heavenly cheshbon behind every single plant in the world and how it grows. The botanist who knows how trees grow—through experience and scientific study—and who can tell you how to care for every plant, doesn’t necessarily have a connection to Torah. But he is telling you the facts of nature, which are all based in Torah.
When a person buys a property, and he wishes to plant trees there, we tell him: Don’t be impulsive. Discuss it with an expert before you plant. The soil and the climate must be hospitable to this specific species. Sometimes, it’s necessary to wait until the soil is stronger and able to handle your tree, and so forth. When a person seeks the advice of an expert, he is tapping into scientific wisdom which is rooted in the חכמת התורה. This is why he will ultimately be successful: because he followed conventional wisdom, which is built on Torah.
Disconnected from the Root
If so, one may ask: if life-wisdom can also be found in gentiles (חכמה תאמין) בגויים, yet the Torah wasn’t given to them—they may not have Torah, but they do have wisdom—what sets us apart? If all wisdom has its roots in the Torah, how are our lives different from that of the non-Jews?
This is where a tremendous yesod comes in: The non-Jews draw their chiyus from דקדושה אחוריים, a place that has some connection to kedushah, but which is not connected to the root itself. They don’t understand why the wisdom of the world works the way it does; they just know that this is the way the world works, and they take actions accordingly. They know, “This is how I can make money... this is how I can enjoy my life... this is how I can attain more pleasure.” But they don’t know that beneath all of this lies a root, and they don’t have any connection to that root.
Hashem Allows Them to Use Wisdom
For this reason, the rule is that תאמין בגויים חכמה, we’re permitted to learn wisdom from the non-Jews—because the Ribbono shel Olam has not withheld from them the ways of the world. He has allowed them to understand how a person can improve his life and the world around him (through science, medicine, business, and so forth)—for, due to His sheer compassion and love, He doesn’t want His creations to struggle in life.
For this reason, he has given humans the ability to discover wisdom through experience, research, and exploration. They’re often mistaken, and much is still withheld from them, but overall, the Ribbono shel Olam allows them to discover wisdom that is rooted in the Torah, so that they will be able to live in this world with greater ease and serenity. And for this reason, we’re allowed to learn this wisdom from them—because it is true wisdom and they have derived it—albeit indirectly—from the Torah.
Based on Your Own Wisdom
Thus, when a person stands at a crossroads, and he must make a decision using his own sechel, to do what he feels is best—for example, he must choose between an apartment that’s smaller, but closer to family, or a larger apartment that’s more distant—when he makes his choice, it will be one that that’s based on his own wisdom, which a non-Jew could also have made. Although when we follow true wisdom, we’re drawing from the Torah (so long as it’s not contrary to Torah), we’re following the process that even a non-Jew could have concluded. There’s nothing wrong with this; it’s the reality.
This is called חיים חכמת, life-wisdom, which aligns with the Torah even if we don’t know where precisely in the Torah it is stated. We used שכל הישר, reason and logic, not Torah and deveikus in Hashem.
It is our choice to rely simply on החיים חכמת—but then we will take pleasure and draw chiyus only from our own sechel. When a person makes the decision that it doesn’t pay to fight another person, or to fight reality and fact, he has done so because he understands that this is the easier and more pleasant path. If he wants a calmer life, this is what he will do.
Every Challenge Is an Opportunity for Deveikus b’Hashem
Resigning Oneself to Reality
When a person is resigned to reality, it means that he draws pleasure from himself. Instead of indulging in unhealthy food, this person draws enjoyment from the serenity that “moving on and resigning” brings him. This person has concluded that it doesn’t pay to argue and fight with his neighbor. Even if it will cost more money, the aggravation that it will bring is even more costly. “I won’t eat myself alive—it’s not worth the money.” This decision has nothing to do with personal integrity, yiras Shamayim, or the pursuit of peace. It’s a simple, practical mindset: “Be smart. Run away from this altercation. What do you need it for? It will only make you sick....”
Drawing Pleasure Directly from Hashem
But there’s another way: the path of allowing ourselves to be led by the Ribbono shel Olam—which is very different from relying on our own wisdom. This person submits to Hashem’s plan, not because he has resigned himself to reality, but because he has accepted Hashem. He is on board with whatever Hashem wants because he believes that there’s a Creator Who cares for him and will provide whatever is good for him. With this, he becomes connected to the Source of life.
The ratzon Hashem is for a person to embrace his situation, not to escape it or distract himself from it. He embraces his situation not because he has no koach to fight it, but because he wants to be led and guided by Hashem. Bitachon means that a person is completely reliant on Hashem, because he believes with complete faith that if the Ribbono shel Olam has done this for him, there’s certainly a cheshbon in it. “It’s surely for my good, and thus I embrace it. I am completely at peace with the Ribbono shel Olam and with His plan.” This is a tremendous avodah.
Same Action, Different Motivation
This means as follows: There can be two people who do the same thing. They each accept their situation. Neither of them is angry about his situation. Neither of them is doing everything in his power to change the situation. But one of them does so out of practical wisdom; he doesn’t want to be constantly disappointed and let down, and the second person does so because he’s at peace with the Ribbono shel Olam. This person has now attained deveikus in Hashem, while his friend has not.
Every time Hashem sends a person a challenge, there are two ways that he can extricate himself from it. He can say, “I won’t torture myself over it; I am resigned to reality.” But he can also say, “The Ribbono shel Olam sent me this challenge. There’s surely a cheshbon for this challenge. I rely on Him that He has my good in mind.”
When a Child Breaks Something
When someone buys a beautiful glass bowl, and the next morning his child crawls onto the table and shatters it, he has two choices. He can say, “What did it cost? Fifty dollars? Okay, I will buy a new one. It’s not worth aggravating myself over fifty dollars. I would rather not give myself a heart attack over fifty dollars, and I won’t be angry at my child over a silly bowl.” This is the mehalech of life-wisdom.
But then, there’s the path of emunah and bitachon: This mehalech says, “It wasn’t the child who broke the bowl—the Ribbono shel Olam did it! He wants me to do teshuvah, and I have forgotten about that, and now He’s compassionately reminding me in the mildest of ways.” The Gemara (Pesachim 118a) tells us that we must give thanks to Hashem when we suffer property damage, because it could have been much worse, and the Ribbono shel Olam doesn’t want to take away those bigger things. He only wants us to get the hint. He’s not looking for us to suffer, chas v’shalom.
The same applies when we take a taxi, and the driver argues with us over two dollars. “Life-wisdom” says to just give him the two dollars. It’s not worth the argument. But then there’s the mehalech of emunah and bitachon—to allow ourselves to be led by Hashem. “I am happy that this challenge came to me in such a way. Our pious grandmothers would say, ‘It should be a kapparah.’ חטאתי לכל ושא ועמלי עניי ראה, see my afflictions and my toil, and forgive all my sins.” Challenges from Above bring forgiveness.
An Opportunity Not to Be Passed Up
One may ask: Are you telling me that it isn’t proper to use mundane חיים?! חכמת For whom, then, did Shlomo HeMelech write Sefer Koheles? The answer is that of course, the world is set up in a way that we’re meant to use our wisdom—because it is also derived from Torah. But in many instances, we must remember that if we used our own practical wisdom, we have attained fifty percent serenity, while, if we use emunah and bitachon, we will be rewarded with one hundred percent!
When a person uses his own wisdom, his situation will remain the same. He won’t make it worse, and he won’t get a heart attack from aggravation. But he also won’t gain anything.
If someone argued with you over five dollars, and you gave in even though he was wrong, you will have spared yourself aggravation and a waste of time, but you will not have utilized the situation to its full potential. When a person uses practical wisdom, he isn’t connecting himself to the Torah and to Hashem. He simply chooses to move on with life and not to get bogged down by trivialities. But if he does the same thing from a place of emunah and bitachon, he connects himself to the Ribbono shel Olam and His Torah, thus gaining from the challenge immeasurably.
“Why” Matters
It is like the person who davened a tefillah without proper kavannah. Did he daven? Of course he did! Will he be rewarded for it? Surely, he will. But once he’s already davening, it’s a great shame not to tap into the incredible opportunities for deveikus b’Hashem that he could have attained through this tefillah. With a little bit of brokenness and joy, the benefit of this tefillah would be increased manifold.
The same applies to every situation a person experiences. If you conduct yourself according to the Torah, using your “practical wisdom,” you will not have done anything wrong. But you haven’t taken advantage of the opportunity for deveikus. You haven’t become closer to Hashem. And this is a shame.
Elevated by the Challenge
When a person is young and someone teases him, he may lose his bearings. It could affect him for days to come. But the older and maturer one becomes, the more he learns to let things go. Experience and wisdom teach us to let things go in one ear and out the other.
This mehalech is proper according to Torah, and when a person behaves this way, he is reaching for the truth. But one can get so much more out of such challenging situations. We can utilize the situation to grow closer to Hashem through emunah. If we live with bitachon, we can reach a place that when someone bothers us, we will say: “Baruch Hashem! This was bashert, and I embrace it. It doesn’t even hurt me.”
In every situation, he understands that this is the way things must be, and that they happened with פרטית השגחה. When he does so, he is thus attaining דביקות in the Ribbono shel Olam.
