The Impact of Chinuch on the Parents
From Generation to Generation
In the Birchos haTorah, we ask Hashem that אנחנו וצאצאינו, we and our offspring, should learn Torah and feel the sweetness of Yiddishkeit. A person’s success in Torah and sweetness in Yiddishkeit find fulfillment in the fact that his children, too, should feel the sweetness. We also find this theme in that many of the tefillos we offer asking for our own success in Torah include the desire that our children should feel the sweetness as well.
We see from here that one success breeds another success. Our own success in acquiring Torah for ourselves enables our children’s success in Torah.
When a person succeeds in Torah, it automatically spills over to his children. His home is a Torah’dige home, and this influences his entire family by osmosis. The family learns to value and appreciate Torah; we find in Chazal the concept of a talmid chacham meriting children who are also talmidei chachamim... thus fulfilling the prophecy of לֹא יָמוּשׁוּ מִפִּיךָ וּמִפִּי וּמִפִּי זֶרַ ע זַרְ עֲךָזַרְ עֲךָ , Torah will not depart from your mouth, from your children’s mouths, and from the mouths of your grandchildren... now and forever... a continuous chain.
Torah is designed to continue through the generations. The Gemara has already asked why we find instances where it doesn’t work out that way, and the Gemara answers this great anomaly with five possibilities. But ideally, Torah and Yiddishkeit continue from parent to child, and so forth.
We must ponder the concept that our success in elevating ourselves directly impacts the success of our children.
“They Did Not Have Children”
The Imrei Chaim of Viznitz says a vort regarding Nadav and Avihu, the children of Aharon HaKohen who perished in the Mishkan for offering the ketores without being commanded to do so; the pasuk tells us ובנים לא היו להם, they did not have children. “Had they had children,” says the Imrei Chaim, “it would have been understandable that they had committed such an act of fervor—despite not being commended to do so—for the sake of the chinuch of their children, so they should see the importance of hislahavus, fervor and desire in serving Hashem. But they didn’t have children. Thus, what excuse do they have for crossing this boundary?”
For a person who has children, his avodas Hashem is tethered to that of his children—and there is much that he needs to do towards this end.
Our Children Are a Part of Us
As the children grow older, they begin to observe their parents, and good parents respond by improving themselves in order to serve as an example to their offspring. In some cases, children will tell their parents to their faces about their inconsistencies... and this serves as a wake-up call for parents to remember that the avodas Hashem of their children is tied to their own.
But changing ourselves because of the pressure of our children observing us is a more basic reason for doing so. It really goes much deeper. When children aren’t successful in their Yiddishkeit and in their avodas Hashem, this touches a parent in a very deep and sensitive way—for our children are a part of us.
Even if a father tries to ignore the flaws of his children so it shouldn’t pain him as much, at the end of the day, “blood is thicker than water;” and parents feel that a part of them isn’t succeeding. Often, children will do certain things that are completely age-appropriate in the normal course of their development... but it hurts their parents that they aren’t doing the right thing, and no amount of explaining that it’s normal will help. Why does it hurt so much? Because the parents feel so strongly that this child is a part of them.
A Magnifying Glass for Our Imperfections
One may ask, why did the Ribbono shel Olam ordain things in such a way that we should be so impacted by the behavior of our children? When a child “colors a bit outside the lines,” we are so impacted. When a couple struggles to find their footing, the parents can lose their minds from anxiety. The Gemara says that קשה תרבות רעה בתוך ביתו של אדם יותר ממלחמת גוג, having a child doing bad is worse than Milchemes Gog uMagog (Berachos 7b). Thus, we may ask why Hashem made things this way.
But the truth is that our children are, in essence, part of ourselves, and when they behave in an undesirable way, they magnify that part of us that is imperfect. Where we previously saw these flaws as tiny aspects of ourselves—not paying them much attention—the behavior of our children magnifies those flaws so that we see their full aspect!
The purpose of this exercise is that we will be forced to work on ourselves as a result of this magnification. This is the will of HaKadosh Baruch Hu: Our endeavor to ensure the proper chinuch of our children should cause us to better ourselves.
Exercising Our Middos Through Chinuch
The reality of chinuch causes us to exercise the best parts of ourselves, working out all aspects of our nefesh. A mother gives all of herself—so selflessly—to her children, staying up with them at night in all manner of situations. This teaches her to be a giver. And the examples are many.... We are all compelled to emerge from our comfort zones in so many ways in order to be mechanech our children in the right way. Thus, when being mechanech our children, we are in essence being mechanech ourselves.
So, when we say ונהיה אנחנו וצאצאינו—our growth and progress is
