Questions To Rabbi Mandel
Ten Questions for the Gadol HaDor, Rabbi Mandel
1. Why is Mussar sometimes translated as criticism? Is It? I thought we don’t do criticism!
It certainly is. Mussar and Yissurim is the same word. It's “petch”. However, this generation can't handle it. For the olden days, it was perfect. Not for today. Even then, when it was a good thing, you can cause havoc. Even then, you had to be careful. A lot of people got messed up. Chazal say that you shouldn't be like Elisha, who pushed away his Talmid with two hands. You have to know how to do it, when to do it, when to sugar coat it, etc., it needs to be done properly. Even today, if it's done properly it can work wonders.
2. What happens if you work on your Bitachon so much that people get mad at you for being too calm? My family members tell me there’s a time to be in a serious mood. Is there?
I don't know the dynamics of you and your family. Normally speaking, it could be a Kin'ah factor. When they see a guy is calm, it hurts them because they can't do that. So offer them a Shaar HaBitachon, and we'll get you all on board. We'll all laugh through life, and we'll enjoy ourselves. Instead of going around (like it says in a Goyishe source) “most of us live our lives in quiet desperation”.
3. What can I do about too much talking in Shul upstate? There’s no Rav, and my father has taken it upon himself to shush everyone. I think that he is publicly embarrassing them, and it doesn’t help. What can I do about the talking, and what should I tell my father?
Go somewhere else. Make your own Minyan. Keep away from problems. They're not listening anyway. Go somewhere else. That's what I recommend.
4. I try to be like Rabbi Mandel and say that “I’m the best”, to myself and everyone else. But I don’t want people to take me too seriously and see me as a Baal Ga’ava, or actually become one myself. When should I stop?
That's why I always say that you need a Rebbe. Use your Sechel. Sometimes it's pleasant. Sometimes people chuckle and they enjoy it. They laugh. They like it. When it's Darchei Noam, it's a good sign. If it's making everyone “coo-coo”, keep out. Try a different way. My stuff has been thoroughly checked out with all my Rabbeim. “Is this K’dai, is it not K’dai?” And I'm M’sameach people when I do these things. So, learn to do that. And if you can’t, so do it privately. Publicly, tell them you're a nebach. Or just Lig in learning and don't get involved.
5. Rabbi Mandel says to say you like something even if you don’t. If I say I like a certain supper when I don’t, my wife is going to keep making it! Why should I do that to myself? Does the Rebbe even like Arak?
Rabbi Miller said to say that! And of course, I like Arak!
Now, I'm going to tell you something. Tell your wife that you DON'T like the food. Upfront. You start with the truth. Only when the truth makes problems, THEN you start "shticking". Normally speaking, we start with the truth. And there nothing wrong with telling your wife what you like. Don't look for trouble. However, when things aren't working the way you are, THEN you roll up your sleeves and you become an Oved, and you go against your nature. You have to know when and where and how and what; THEN it's appropriate. But otherwise, why should you live life like that? She will make something, and you will say "Oh I like it!" and she'll make more. When I first got married to my Hungarian wife, a Hungarian uncle comes over to me, and said: One of the first Yesodos of marriage is: If you don’t like the food, TELL HER so she'll change it. The Hungarians want to do that right, so that everyone can gain weight, in a nice way, and the buttons will pop...
6. Someone I met was telling me how horrible his life was, and every detail he described applied to me as well, but Baruch Hashem I view my life as terrific! Should I explain to this random person that it’s all about his outlook, or should I not get involved?
Depends what type of person. Some people, you'll do the biggest Mitzvah. Otherwise, just daven. And believe that your davening will take care of the guy.
7. I feel like my davening is lacking because of my work on Bitachon. How can I work on this?
That is a valid Nekuda (point)! You've got to somehow play two people. You have to have a side to you that gets discouraged and gets worried. Dovid Hamelech's Tehilim is full of "two people". Learn how to be two people. You have to have both sides. Sometimes, I get extreme in Bitachon because we're dealing with an Oilam (crowd) who are too far gone, and they need this desperately; it's Pikuach Nefesh, THEN they need to be extreme. But normally, you need to be balanced. Red lights AND green lights are the success of a highway. Learn how to balance two opposite things.
8. Can the Rebbe start including a weekly joke in the Bitachon Weekly?
I don't know if this is appropriate. We believe in jokes, but we have Gedolei Yisrael guiding us. They also joke, but you have to understand; there is a Mitzva of: וְשָׂמַחְתָׂ בְחַגֶּךָ Simcha on Yom Tov, but not: הוֹלְלוּת foolishness. There are certain Gedarim how and when; I'm not so sure that's for us. It might be good for some, who knows, for little children, maybe; it's not so simple that we should go in that direction. Let's not turn into one big joke. Let's hold off and have a serious bone to us; and in the middle, we make jokes, then it's beautiful. Otherwise, you may have to watch it.
9. When people are not nice to me, or annoy me, I work on ignoring it and smiling through. But when one person keeps on doing it, it’s a matter of time until I blow up at him. Should I give criticism, or keep on swallowing it?
Tell the guy in a nice way to cut it out, “I don't appreciate it”. But say it in a nice way, and find out why, maybe there's something you can do, that he shouldn't be doing it. I don't know the details. But you don't let a guy do that to you! If you are in a pickle, THEN you need to learn Mussar overtime, like a Sefer on Ka’as, and with time, you simply won't mind. Then you'll tell the guy to keep on going: “I LOVE that criticism!” But you need to learn a lot of Mussar to be like that. But only if you have no choice, then you do that.
10. Rabbi Pesach Krohn says that every day you should write down one Chesed you did that day. Does the Rebbe like this idea?
If you like it, if it works for you, beautiful. Everyone is different.
You can submit your questions to Rabbi Mandel by emailing them to [email protected]
