Being Cognizant of Others Enables Us to Feel Their Pain
The Tragedy When We Don’t Even Recognize Pain
Megillas Shir HaShirim elaborates greatly upon the tremendous bond between the Ribbono shel Olam and Knesses Yisrael, the Jewish People. It compares this relationship to the most intimate bond between a man and his wife, but in the deepest, most spiritual way. The pesukim draw on these metaphors so we will be able to grasp the idea of the great closeness that exists between us.
Sometimes, it happens that someone goes through a hard time, but spouse is completely oblivious to their pain... he comes and goes, happy and content, completely unaware that his partner is enduring terrible emotional pain.
He doesn’t wish to be mean. If he were aware of it, he would surely offer to help in any way he could—but the problem here is that he’s completely oblivious to the pain that someone so close to him is going through.
Why Didn’t You Notice?
This only compounds the pain for the spouse. Not only is she suffering as a result of the problem she’s experiencing—she’s also alone in her pain; it isn’t noticed even by those closest to her. Why didn’t you even notice? How can it be that you didn’t see anything?
When you confront this spouse, you will tell him that when his wife is under duress, you shouldn’t go out at night, because you need to be there for her. One needs to be much more present in that situation, and he needs to help out at home much more. Chazal exhort us to take extra care with the feeling of our wives, for their tears are frequent (see Bava Metzia 59a).
But this person will answer you, “Of course, I would do anything to alleviate her pain, but it didn’t even occur to me that something is amiss. I simply didn’t realize....” This man is a nice person, and he doesn’t mean to be hurtful. He simply didn’t realize.... This itself is a tremendous question. Why he didn’t notice...? Why wasn’t he aware...? He should have noticed!
The Greater Offense
Sometimes, a person feels himself completely innocent for not having noticed the pain of another. He doesn’t feel responsible for that pain, since all that happened was that he didn’t notice it. “I’m not cruel. I didn’t hurt him outright....”
But this is a mistake—and the greatest indication of this is that your apathy caused the person so much more pain. Interpersonal relationships—like everything in this world—work according to rules... and the rules dictate that a person’s pain will be greatly compounded when people are oblivious to it.
Leaving the Confines of “I”
The Ribbono shel Olam wanted—and this is how He arranged Creation—for people not to be preoccupied with themselves alone. A person must look outside the confines of his self to see what’s happening around him.
A Yid who’s aware, and who cares about others, will automatically notice many more things around him. He may notice a little boy in shul who seems sad, and he’ll inquire about what’s bothering him. A second person will wonder, “How did you even notice?” But to him, it’s obvious. He notices other people and their pain.
When We Think About Others, We Notice Their Pain
However, when a Yid comes into shul thinking about how he can help another person... how can I do something good? ... he comes into shul and he’s looking for someone to whom to give tzedakah, and he finds a Yid: “This person seems to be a little down... he doesn’t look good... what’s the story with him?” He immediately goes over to him and asks him warmly: “Maybe I can help you with something?”
This Yid walks into shul and he’s looking to share a kind word with another person.... With whom can I share words of chizuk? And when a person thinks about others, he will notice things. He will feel their pain, and he’ll understand them and feel them.
Entering Their World
A Yid who walks around thinking about others is completely devoted to helping others in their dilemmas. It’s like a person who resolved to go visit a patient in the hospital to give him strength and chizuk. He goes through the entire trip just to give of himself to a sick person, to care for him and to make him comfortable. He wants to lift up his spirits and put a smile on his face. He has come with a purpose: to place himself into another person’s situation.
The same applies to a person who walks around thinking about other people. He automatically picks things up. He understands when people need help, and he can truly be of great assistance to them.
