The Pain of Distance from the Ribbono shel Olam
From the pesukim that describe our bond with the Ribbono shel Olam, we learn that this isn’t merely a dry and superficial connection, but rather a deep, inner connection that is based on incredible love. This was expressed in the Bais HaMikdash, where the Keruvim—which represented Klal Yisrael and the Ribbono shel Olam respectively—were “interwoven with one another.”
If our relationship is likened to one between the closest friends, this means that we can learn from a friendship relationship how to repair the connection that matters most—and how to rebuild Yerushalayim within our hearts.
The reality is that in every close relationship—whether in a marriage or between close friends—there are often problems that arise when one partner says or does something that causes the other to become offended.
It is therefore our lifelong work to ensure the health and wellbeing of our relationships—which is not an easy task, because a person must be able to put aside his ego, his hubris, and his personal biases and motives. He must elevate his entire לחבירו אדם בין.
The same applies to our relationship with the Ribbono shel Olam. All 613 mitzvos are designed to build and maintain this relationship—as the Zohar HaKadosh teaches us, the mitzvos are called עצות, solutions, to maintaining our deveikus and connection with the Ribbono shel Olam.
Learning from Friendship
Each and every mitzvah guides us, in the most real way, to closeness and connection with the Ribbono shel Olam. Every mitzvah imparts to us a method to deveikus b’Hashem—and the same applies to the mitzvos that pertain between one person and another; they’re instructing us regarding our relationship with the Ribbono shel Olam.
If a person wishes to maintain a good relationship with another person, he must be willing to live with humility and submission... to restrain himself even when he is offended, and to ask forgiveness even when he’s in the right.... He must be able to have a broken heart—not the sort that leads to depression and melancholy, but the type that enables us to be humble and focused on others, to be a “giver” and not a “taker.”
The entire design of these relationships was devised so we will be able to understand the workings of our relationship with the Ribbono shel Olam—for to live with Yerushalayim within our hearts, we must live with a deeply personal relationship with Hashem. As the Ramban writes, “A Yid can merit a level of deveikus in Hashem so strong that even when he’s conversing with others, he’s thinking about the Aibishter.”
Refraining from Things That Hurt the Relationship
If a person learns the rules of interpersonal relationships, and he works on himself to make these relationships successful—he will understand that all these rules are actually eitzos for how to live with closeness to the Ribbono shel Olam! The same things that interfere with interpersonal relationships לחבירו אדם בין also ruin our relationship למקום אדם בין, R”l.
We must understand that when we do a mitzvah or, chas v’shalom, an aveirah, it isn’t merely a technical action that we did or didn’t do—it affects the deep personal connection. For this reason, there are things that we must and must not do: just as, there are things that interfere with a physical relationship, so too, in our relationship with Hashem, there are things we do that will weaken it.
Although the Ribbono shel Olam is beyond our grasp and comprehension, we must understand that after committing an aveirah, R”l, we can’t simply start davening as though nothing happened. If you spoke as you shouldn’t have, if you hurt another Yid, if you caused pain to the Ribbono shel Olam—you can’t simply shuckel during Shemoneh Esrei as you do every other day. Ask forgiveness from your friend... reconcile with the Ribbono shel Olam... do teshuvah before you get up to daven. Tell the Ribbono shel Olam, “I’ve fallen... help me, Ribbono shel Olam, so that it doesn’t happen again... help me repair what I have damaged.”
Let’s Be Honest with Ourselves
One of the important principles of interpersonal relationships is that a person must be honest and real with himself—to be honest with his feelings, not to fool himself or hide behind self-constructed walls.
For example, if a person becomes aware that he caused pain to his friend, he should be able to say clearly: “You’re right, I made a mistake.” This attitude is healthy for the nefesh. This person doesn’t feel the need to throw blame onto others... he has no problem admitting that he did something wrong and then go on with his life.
If a person isn’t healthy in his nefesh, he tends to shift his inner pain onto others without justification. Sadly, we see it all the time that people who are in pain lash out at innocent bystanders, who can’t figure out how they earned this portion. Everyone wonders: What do you want from this person? But the truth is that he’s pained over something in his life, and he’s expressing his pain by attacking another person.
Conversely, if a person is healthy in his nefesh, he’s not afraid to tell the truth. “I did something wrong, and this is why I’m in pain.” He’s not afraid to recognize his weaknesses. “I’m now in pain because someone told me something I didn’t appreciate, and my ego is hurt...and this is okay.” He analyzes and studies his feelings, and he places them in the proper context... he doesn’t allow them to seep into his nefesh and weaken it to the point of lashing out at others.
The way to build such a healthy attitude is by keeping track of our thoughts and actions, being careful about where we go and what we do. We’re not children who aren’t bothered when they become soiled. When we notice a stain, we immediately deal with it. We understand that we had a failure, and we pledge to do everything so that we do not repeat it.
Recognizing Our Flaws
This mehalech in life is essentially a process in avodas Hashem that every Yid must develop within himself. It is one of the hallmarks of הנפש חשבון, introspection, which a person must regularly conduct.
Every time a person realizes that he’s sad and downhearted—he feels that he doesn’t want to be with other people; that he doesn’t have his usual smile—he analyzes it: “What is bothering me?” And when he identifies the cause, he calms himself with deveikus b’Hashem. He understands that this was a good cleansing from his ...גאוה it was good for his soul.
If this person isn’t yet on the level of drawing strength solely from the Ribbono shel Olam, he may unburden himself to a friend—but only to a friend whose heart is permeated with “Yerushalayim.” If he speaks with a person who doesn’t live with the Ribbono shel Olam, this person will give him foolish advice that may only serve to distance him and mire him further in the sludge.
It’s a churban to consult with a person who will pull the person downward, to Olam HaZeh. “You did this, and that happened....” He should rather listen to a person who will calm him by telling him that everything is from Hashem. This person will uplift and strengthen him and remind him of the true meaning of life: We have a Creator and everything is good!
A Healthy Connection of a Healthy Nefesh
When a person is in touch with his feelings, he can identify and say: “I felt this way because this person offended me.” This is a healthy nefesh. He can live in peace with other people without the relationship being destroyed by every small thing.
This person, who is healthy and properly connected with the Ribbono shel Olam, isn’t easily offended. Every time he encounters a situation of לבבות פירוד, he can calm himself immediately: “There’s nothing to be afraid of... No one can hurt me or take something away from me... אין לחבירו במוכן נוגע אדם, no one can touch anything that has been designated for his fellow.
With a little emunah and bitachon, the entire root of the pain is eliminated—and then he doesn’t have to work so hard to avoid strife and friction, because he’s able to soothe his own feelings. He has the pleasure of אלוקים קרבת, which is greater than any other joy.
And this was the plan of the Ribbono shel Olam in designing our interpersonal relationships: that we should learn from this that when a person is healthy, he possesses a bittul in his nefesh, and he can easily admit the truth. He can concede mistakes that he has made. He doesn’t always need to make silly excuses for everything. He can speak openly about his flaws. And this is a healthy foundation for relationships with others. This person doesn’t live fenced off from others—he lives truly, honestly, and authentically.
Living with Openness Breeds a Healthy Connection with Hashem
We must understand that our relationship with the Ribbono shel Olam is built in the same way. We have observed that pained people lash out at those around them without rhyme or reason. Sadly, if they’re unhealthy in their nefesh, many people do the same thing toward the Ribbono shel Olam. The pesukim have already discussed the phenomenon of people blaming Hashem for tzaros that they have brought upon themselves.
This comes from a feeling of emptiness within the person, because he hasn’t learned and davened properly, and then when the blow inevitably comes, or if someone offends him, he doesn’t have the vessels to process it—and he unleashes his frustration on Hashem, instead of building a connection of kirvas Elokim.
All the Yidden who would come to Yerushalayim to be oleh regel lived with incredible love for one another. It was a city of love—because those who were there erased their complaints and pain against other people. They offered korbanos through which they cleansed themselves of all their negative traits and thoughts, snuffing out foolish issues before they could blow up.
The Ribbono shel Olam Is Our Best Friend
Every Yid can choose to live such a life. It may be difficult in the beginning—it must be broken through—but afterward life becomes so sweet and pleasurable. This person isn’t beholden to his ego and גאוה, and he doesn’t have any hesitation in picking up a phone to a friend and admitting that he made a mistake: “I was wrong; I shouldn’t have behaved this way.” Sometimes it’s true, and sometimes he will say so for the sake of a peaceful relationship.
A Yid who lives with a close relationship to the Ribbono shel Olam has the ability to take blame upon himself. He doesn’t have the need to twist facts in order to justify himself... it’s fine even if he’s wrong. Because he feels so close to the Ribbono shel Olam, he is fulfilled and satisfied; he doesn’t need to be right.
While tzaddikim of yore certainly had friends in their lives, the Ribbono shel Olam was by far the best friend to Whom they felt closest. They didn’t need any other friendship. This one was enough for them.
Living Truthfully with Hashem
A person must become accustomed to building his relationship with Hashem, bolstering the בית שלום in the one relationship that matters more than all. Don’t be upset with Him! Be truthful with yourself! Admit that you failed, that you didn’t want to, but it happened... “Ribbono shel Olam! I know that You love me despite this... help me! Save me from the terrible yetzer hara!”
If we have a natural relationship with Hashem, it enables us to live as true and authentic Yidden. The Ribbono shel Olam wants authentic Yidden—not robots who go through the motions of doing mitzvos.
The difference between the two is clearly seen when it comes to certain mitzvos—those that won’t build stature or bring recognition to the person. This is when we can see whether a Yid is for real, and whether he’s doing mitzvos in order to build his relationship with the Ribbono shel Olam.
A “Bias” Not to Do Aveiros
Sometimes, we see that a person commits a terrible aveirah over and over, and we wonder: “This is so unbefitting to him!” But the real question is: “Why doesn’t it bother him? How can it be that this aveirah doesn’t disgust him?!” The Ribbono shel Olam wants us not even to want things that are forbidden to us... we shouldn’t even have a תאוה to speak ill of another...--because we will know that this will interfere with our Shemoneh Esrei later. We won’t be able to connect properly with Hashem.
This person will say: “I have נגיעות, personal biases, not to speak badly of a Yid. Not because I am a great servant of Hashem—but because I have once done an aveirah, and it was very unpleasant afterwards. It took me three days, and a number of immersions in the mikveh, until I came back to myself to feel the relationship with Hashem. It simply doesn’t pay. I can still recall the Shabbos when I felt dry as a bone, with no feeling for the holiness of Shabbos, after I did something I shouldn’t have.”
This is what the Ribbono shel Olam wants of us! This is what it means to rebuild Yerushalayim, and this is really what we lament on Tishah B’Av. Yerushalayim has dried up. There’s no more פנימיות there. If there’s no heart there, then there’s no “Yerushalayim” there!
The “Daughters of Tzion” Also Need to Live with Yerushalayim in Their Hearts
The Kirvas Elokim of Yerushalayim Belongs to the Women as Well
When we speak about living with this type of heart for Hashem, we don’t just mean the men. It applies just as much to the women of Klal Yisrael. They need to become Yidden of Yerushalayim just as much.
When we read the pesukim and Midrashim in Eichah, we see many descriptions of the children of Yerushalayim. Chazal speak of their refinement and of their natural connection with the Ribbono shel Olam. Because the “heart of Yerushalayim” wasn’t given only to a Yid who has toiled for fifty years in Shas and Poskim. It was said about every man, woman, and child in Klal Yisrael. If you’re a Yid, if you have stood at Har Sinai, then this is the true Yiddishkeit that the Ribbono shel Olam expects of you. It is for this sort of Yiddishkeit that you proclaimed נעשה ונשמע. Yerushalayim of old was for all Yidden, the women too. They, too, brought offerings in the Beis HaMikdash.
Even Busy Mothers Can Be Close to Hashem
Often, it happens that mothers are so consumed by caring for their children that they’re unable even to daven. Then there are women who carry the burden of parnassah so that their husbands scan to learn Torah, and this strains them so much that they’re unable to speak to Hashem. But this is a big problem. It’s a Yiddishkeit problem.
We cannot live as true Yidden without remembering the Ribbono shel Olam and talking to Him. If we don’t live with kirvas Elokim, we will automatically fall. Here with anger, here another nisayon, and there with another effort to fulfill ourselves because we feel empty. A Yiddishe neshamah cannot live at a constant gallop... even if the wife works to support her husband’s Torah, she still needs a relationship with Hashem.
If people are solely busy with hishtadlus and don’t have the basic relationship with Hashem, they’re living a life of galus.
Every one of us can find the time and space to speak with Hashem. Sometimes, it requires forgoing other things that we had considered very important—because we must meet and encounter the Ribbono shel Olam! The entire heter for women not to daven relies on the fact that they’re constantly speaking to Hashem in their own language, in their own words.
Where can we find the tears...the tear-soaked Tehillim of our grandmothers? How can we inject Yiddshkeit into our children if we’re not ourselves living with the Ribbono shel Olam?! If we’re constantly consumed with “taking care of things” ... a bar mitzvah, a sheva brachos, taking people into the house...—as important as these things are—then we’re living a superficial and external life. Every individual Yid must be a פנימיות neshamah Yid. In Yerushalayim, there were men, women, and children—all of whom offered korbanos and experienced great kirvas Elokim and השכינה השראת. This is not something we’re allowed, or can afford, to forgo!
Modesty Means Protecting Our Precious Pnimiyus
This is the entire essence of the mitzvah of צניעות, which must surely be on the highest standard—to guard over something that is sensitive. We place a protection around something we wish to protect.
And what is the most precious thing to a Yid? His heart! The Ribbono shel Olam gave women more feelings, so they will channel them for kirvas Elokim without having to endure many of the temptations and desires that men experience. They can more easily attain closeness to Hashem. But if this closeness is missing, then they will be empty and shallow.
The entire lexicon of a Yid must abound in words of emunah and bitachon and kirvas Elokim. This is what the children need to see as they grow up. They must see that their parents derive all of their chiyus from closeness to the Ribbono shel Olam. We have no other choice. This is the only way we can rebuild Yerushalayim—when we draw chiyus from the fact that we have davened to Hashem and encountered Him that day. In this way, we will enter our own Yerushalayim, and only in this way will the Beis HaMikdash be rebuilt.
The Language of the Song of Songs
As noted, this is the idea behind the “Three Oaths,” in which we are enjoined not to rebuild Yerushalayim with force—because this is beside the point. Yerushalayim isn’t built with physical strength, but with the fortitude of Jewish hearts.
Where do we find the “Three Oaths”? Precisely in the words of Shir HaShirim, which describes the great love between Hashem and His people. The Ribbono shel Olam tells us, “The last thing you should do is to make your way up to Yerushalayim, rebuild it with a tractor, and say, ‘We have Yerushalayim once again.’ This is the precise opposite of the entire point of Shir HaShirim, which enjoins us to come closer to Hashem... so that we should have the type of heart that is prepared to give up everything in order to come closer to the Ribbono shel Olam.
Shabbos with Inner Feeling
When we examine the plethora of reading material that makes its way into Jewish homes over Shabbos, it is sometimes so sad. While some of these publications feature stories of tzaddikim and words of chizuk, some of our brothers and sisters read news and other mundane content.
This person says, “I’m not on some lofty level... what am I doing wrong by reading a little news?” But this is a shame! The Ribbono shel Olam gave us the gift of Shabbos because He wishes to speak with us and connect with us.
Throughout the week, a person tells the Ribbono shel Olam, “I’m busy and preoccupied... I can’t focus properly because I’m busy.” Says the Aibishter: You know what? I will designate one day when you can tune everything out, and focus on us. I will cover all the expenses of this day, all because I want to encounter you!
