It’s gratifying to hear that I have a part in your ongoing growth. It’s great when people make their relationships a priority and look for ideas and tips they can implement in order to grow. Aside from enhancing even a good relationship, it helps to catch problems before they become major and to deal with things early on.
You mention that the classes helped you become more flexible which helped your wife become more flexible in response. Flexibility is one of the most important qualities in relationships. I share this with people when they ask me what qualities to look for in a potential spouse. I tell them to find out how this person behaves in a challenging moment. How flexible are they? What’s their tolerance level? The fact that they’re fine when everything is going right doesn’t tell you much. How flexible or inflexible are they? Flexibility is one of the most important factors in marriage.
As we’re still in the month of Av, I’ll share a vort I heard on, “Mishenichnas Av mime’atin besimchah; mishenichnas Adar marbin besimchah — When the month of Av arrives, we lessen joy; when the month of Adar arrives, we increase joy.” The root word of “av” can mean “to want.” When a person is very specific about what they want, it can cause a lessening of joy. An inflexible person is far more likely to become frustrated and unhappy. “Adar,” on the other hand, is similar to the Yiddish word, “uhder — either/or.” When a person is open to other possibilities, it’s easier to find ways to be happy and make others happy too.. Before discussing the particulars of this letter, I would like to comment on the idea of proper sleep. It’s wonderful that both of you emphasize the importance of getting eight hours of sleep. When someone is well-rested, it does a lot for their marriage. Harav Avigdor Miller zt”l used to advise people to make sure they sleep enough, stressing that this can help people be more tolerant and deal with anything that comes up. Many people don’t lend enough importance to this.
A mashgiach in yeshivah once said that one hour of sleep can sometimes accomplish more than many mussar seforim. It’s also been said that it’s better to sleep for 23 hours like a horse and behave like a mentch for one hour, than to sleep like a mentch for one hour and behave like a horse for the other 23 hours. Many don’t realize how much sleep deprivation is affecting them and their relationships. Of course, the issue of sleep and how much of it is needed needs to be discussed properly and shouldn’t become a basis for arguments and aggravation — but not sleeping isn’t helpful for anyone.
